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how do i get this guy to open up?
im 17/f
hes 19/m
so i've had about 13 or so boyfriends, and hes had about 5 girlfriends. (im not a virgin, he is) we met on a site called myyearbook and we met at restaurant ,had dinner and its been a week and we've hung out/gone out together 4 or so times. we've kissed,held hands,he compliments me,ect. im interested in having a mature relationship with him. not just a high school fling, if that makes sense.
he texted me "how do you like me so far?" and i told him how he was smart,cute,funny, and how i felt being with him, ect. then i asked him the same and he said "i think your really cool. i like that you accept me for who i am and that you want to hang with me?"
sounds like something a friend who say to another friend.
i didnt wanna scare him off by asking bluntly "are we boyfriend and girlfriend" so i texted him " what are you looking for in a relationship, if one at all" he replied "i don't really know right now...what are you looking for?" i fell asleep before i could answer, but he seems really into me when were in person. but we hung out yesterday and we started kissing but then when star trek came back on it seemed like he'd rather watch that.
im trying to be understanding that hes shy, and hasnt had a lot of girlfriends, but i really like this guy, but im so use to having 'in charge' boyfriends, im not use to shy guys.
i dont want to scare him off, its only been a week.what should i do?
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Looks like you've found yourself a great catch. The problem with today's society is that so many males honestly, truely believe they're in love when the actual feeling is only lust. In your case, he's definitely not trying to get into your pants or he'd made a move by now. Now, you say its only been a week. Some of the shy guys such as himself may not be quite ready to take that plunge yet. Bare with him. I want you to wait just one more week, and if he hasn't given off any acute indications that he really wants a relationship, maybe you should give him a playful nudge. The fact that he texted you "how do you like me so far?" is an indication that he may be a little insecure, however slight an indication it may be. He asks that question as a sort of 'progress indicator' if you get what I mean. Like I was saying, give it just one more week. If by then he still hasn't swept you off your feet, most guys respond positively when the girl does something to show she wants a relationship. My first girlfriend spelled out "ask me out" in alphabet cereal on my bed. I went to lie down for the night and PRESTO! I was flattered.
Oh and one last thing. About the star trek thing, I doubt he's the nerdy type. He probably just acted like he was really into it cause things may have been getting a little too 'hot and heavy' for him to be comfortable with.
The gist of it is.. Consider yourself lucky. Its pretty rare when its the guy that would like to take things slowly.
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Thanks for inboxing.
I'm not really sure what he's looking for because you didn't give a super lot of details. My advice? Give him time. Hang out with him more and get to know each other a little better. Spend some more time together and let the relationship mature; don't rush into anything. Don't bring it up yet, because it's only been a week. Get closer to him first, and let him get comfortable with you and vice versa. The bottom line here: give it sometime.
Good things come to those who wait :)
-Laura (17-f)
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Its time for you to be in charge and tell him how feel about him,when star trek is not on.You need to be straight and honest about what you are looking for.Sometimes its hard to talk to someone that is shy but look at the big picture maybe something happened to him that made him that way "shy" and maybe its hard for him to get close because of a different situation.I am not saying to pry it out of him because it maybe its a subject,that he is not comfortable in having and that may scare him away if you pry.Its only be a week just keep doing what your doing just keep showing that your interested and being there and hopeful he will open up,but i still would sit down and tell him how you feel "take charge"
thanks
tim
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You should cool off and realize that it's not that he hasn't had a lot of girlfriends, it's that you've had so many boyfriends. That he's "only" had five tells me he knows more about having a relationship that you, considering you've had thirteen.
Of course, I don't know either of you and could be totally off base, but basic math sort of says otherwise. Thirteen boyfriends doesn't make you more experienced, it means your relationships were either not serious or perpetually failed for some reason.
It's only been a week. The reason you've had so many boyfriends is you expect to be together with him after that period of time. You've only just started dating. You're probably weeks to months away from being in an actual relationship. It's not a crime to take things slow; this ensures that you don't rush into relationships without feeling each other out first and making sure you're on the same page.
So don't come on so strong. He's not going anywhere. If he does, it wasn't meant to be in the first place.
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If you're wanting a mature relationship then you're going to have to be mature about this. To overcome the majority of these problems you will have to build a better bond with this guy since he's shy about opening up.
Personally, I think making out is rushing it right now. You two aren't in a relationship, he doesn't even understand if he wants one, and he is too afraid to say anything about it to you in fear that you'll be offended (that is, if he is as shy as you say he is). Making out hinders building those key bonds with eachother before a real relationship can blossom out.
Next, you need to just ask him to be your boyfriend if that is what you want. If this guy is so very shy then his response of, "I don't really know right now...what are you looking for?" might actually be him saying, "I thought you wanted me as a boyfriend. Ok then...I have no idea what is going on. What do you want in a guy? Get the hint. I'm interested." Shy people don't like to put themselves out there on the line. They usually aren't very big risk takers and try to avoid embarrassment, as well as looking like a complete fool. You're the one that may be giving him mixed signals now. Just open your mouth, girl! ;) don't be afraid of what might become of it! If he freaks out then what is there to lose? A guy who is so incredibly insecure you cannot be yourself around, that's what!
Talk to the guy.
Just say, "Hey, y'know...I REALLY like hanging out with you and I want us to go further with this. I was thinking that maybe we should become a couple, especially since we've been going on these dates lately and getting closer. What do you think of being my boyfriend?"
If he says something that is negative toward it then cure your curiosity and say, "Do you think we might be better as a couple in the future once we really get to know each other better or do you think we'll only ever be friends from this point?"
If he says he needs more time then make sure to set regular dates with him once a week and ask again in a month how he feels about beginning a titled relationship. If he turns you down after 6 dates then he isn't feeling what you're feeling and you need to move on for your own mental health.
If you're not open, you're just going to be running around in circles. If you cannot sit down and have a serious discussion with this guy but can make out with him then you're not REALLY after a mature relationship. Maturity is more than kissing, touching, sex, and having 10 previous boyfriends. Maturity is all about a certain mentality and the ability to communicate effectively with your partner in any given situation.
I understand that it's only been a week but you're already very curious of being in a deeper relationship with this guy. If you've known him more than a week then it hasn't been "only" a week. It's only been one week of actually hanging around face-to-face with eachother, that is all. Chances are you already dropped hints about liking his personality by now--he isn't a fool, he probably has picked up some of these hints about your interest! If you are feeling a spark then speak up or get out of it now. He won't want to wait around forever and if he's really shy then he might have problems being more straightforward--you'll have to pick up the slack and bring the more-outward-him out in time.
On a last note, make sure you truly have an idea of who this guy really is. If it turns out that he isn't shy at all then he may be beating around the bush with you to slowly get into your pants. Many men end up doing this in their lifetime and become users, dropping you in an instant when they feel they cannot take any more from you. Women who get sucked into these relationships tend to feel worthless and hang on to every last thread they can of what they feel "might" become a relationship with the guy. Be smart and open your mouth so the guy knows what's going on in your end. If he doesn't seem legit then he isn't and you shouldn't waste your time.
It's really simple to have a mature relationship if you understand that it isn't having a certain title or doing sexual things. It is communicating effectively with one another. It's very obtainable if you understand that.
I wish you well with this new relationship (?) adventure! If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me!
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i think that you should play hard to get, and when he leans in for a kiss, back up and wink at him. he'll understand that your not easy to have and that'll make him want you as much as you want him, because thats what he's doing to you. be mysterious, guys love that. and if that doesnt work, then just drop it. he's not worth it.
i read he's just not that into you. and if the guy doesnt ask you out, then there's your answer. if you let him do the work at first you'll know how he really feels about you. dont jump the boat and say anything to him till you know how he feels, some guys like it, and some guys dont. most guys want to feel like they're in charge, so let him do the talking. but give subtle hints like touching him. just drive him crazy but dont let him have a thing. :)
i hope this worked out for you. :)
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Take the initiative, tell him you really like him and would like to make it into a relationship.
You can't be the passive one all the time, it's just not plausible.
I'm not saying be in his face and say "We're dating now." That's wrong.
Something more like "so, I was thinking about it and I really like you... would you want to make this more serious/official?"
That's less abrasive.
And... you should realize that we Trekkies will always pick Star Trek over making out... It's a trekkie thing.
He's shy. Be willing to move slow or find someone less shy... that's what it boils down to.
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dont be scared and just ask him straight out "do you like me? in a girlfriend way" he can either answer yes or no this way u know where you stand...he may just feel a bit uncomfortable around you and nervous so if he replies yes i want you as a girlfriend tell him to relax..after a few weeks he will feel more comfortable as you will get to know eachother even more..but for now i suggest you ask him straight out "do you want me as a girlfriend" dont be scared good luck!
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I think you should ask one of the other advisors as this is not my area of expertise. I will say this: Have full intercourse at age 13 is something you should rethink. You are far too young to be having sex.
I am very liberal when it comes to matters of sex and you have plenty of time to enjoy a full sex life. Right know at the very most you might give a guy a hand job and let him feel you up a bit. You are far too young and your body is still maturing to be engaging in sexual intercourse.
At this age boys think with two heads. When it comes to girls they think primarily with the head that is in their pants. Any girl that will satisfy the needs of that head is destined to be used and eventually hurt once those boys get what they want and move on.
If I cannot talk you out of having sex at least make sure you use a condom and are on some type of birth control. You should also have a conversation with your mom about boys and sex, your dad too for they were once your age and I'm sure they can remember what it was like and set you straight.
Make the boys treat you like a Lady. If all they want is sex they do not deserve you.
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