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Reminders of emotional abuse
My mother is a narcissist and used to abuse me emotionally and psychologically. I just came to college a few weeks ago hoping to heal somewhat from that by being in a different environment. However, my roommate has similar issues with her mom, and when she calls her on the phone I can hear a lot of their conversation. It brings back memories and makes me feel the feelings all over again and it is very uncomfortable. I don't know how to make myself feel better when instances like this arise.
When I found out that her family was like mine, I thought it might be nice because we could share our experiences. We did that once, and I didn't even say a lot. But I started panicking and my hands were shaking. I had to go to the bathroom and calm myself down.
If anyone has any advice on any of these issues, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks!
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Finding a good therapist sounds like an important step. And by the way, don't feel like you need to work with just any therapist. If there is no connection, find someone else. You take charge.
It sounds as if your mother is deeply troubled. But you are not your mother's emotions, no matter how it might seem.
When you begin to experience the emotions you describe, can you find that part of your mind that simply watches? You know that says, "Okay I'm beginning to feel anxiety. So why am I feeling this anxiety? What is it about the situation that is causing me anxiety? Is it merely a button my mother pushes or something else? Where do I feel the anxiety? In my hands, my stomach?"
Then use this watchful mind to discover what you are really feeling. Is it anger? Is it shame? Think about its root. What is it that makes you feel this way? Chances are, it's a story you've been telling yourself that isn't even true. But it's a story you have heard so often it merely seems like the truth.
It's as if someone has been saying for a long time that you have webbed-feet. But finally taking off your shoes will show that's clearly not the case. It's now time to remove the shoes, so to speak.
Your mother has no earthly way of knowing who you really are. As a narcissist, she would not have enough compassion to know, and probably little real interest in understanding you or anyone else.
You can find ways to turn off that false tape running in your head and see your life in a more accurate light. You no doubt have many wonderful qualities. You obviously have goals and talents or you wouldn't be in college.
Don't get stuck in your mother's story. Today, you will begin to live your own story.
Here's an exercise that might help. Write your mother a letter. This is not a letter you will actually mail, but ask her whatever you would like. Then tell her whatever you like. Use whatever language you want. This can be a one-page, or a letter of a thousand pages. You can write it in 10 minutes or over 10 months.
This might help you to better understand where your mother's distorted feelings end and where your own feelings begin.
Do this without hatred or malice or ill-will, if you can. Do it in a spirit of compassion, for yourself especially, but also for your mother.
But be resolved not to live a lie told by your mother, or by anyone else.
badheartbison
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have a read of this it could help you
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
hope it does
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You need to seek professional help. Like Matt said, most schools offer free care for that. If your school doesn't, I'm pretty sure there's someone you can ask about it that will get you the help that you need.
Maybe your roommate can go with you. If you guys have similar problems, it wouldn't help for the both of you to get some help. Until you can get to someone (I suggest doing it ASAP, though) rely on each other for support.
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I'll agree with Matt, I think you should see a therapist. As far as your roomate goes sometimes it helps to have someone you can talk too that is going through the same things you went through in life.
See a therapist, Everything will be just fine
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You need therapy, and lucky for you your college surely has free mental health services, or can give you some way to obtain the help you need.
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