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My fiance doesn't want to have sex with me but watches a lot of porn...
What can I do?! We have been together for 6 years now, and I still have a really hard time understanding his sexual behavior. First of all, we are in our early 20s, and we usually end up having sex about twice a month. We are in our peak years, and we have sex twice a month! That wouldn't be so weird to me, if I didn't know he had such a huge sexual appetite. By that, I mean, he watches porn ALL THE TIME. He "sneaks" it, but I know he does it (which is no big deal). He has CDs and CDs full of it. Another thing, he is addicted to women, I guess. Strippers - he's ALWAYS going to the strip club. When we're hanging out with our friends, he sometimes sounds like a dirty sex pig with some of his little remarks and comments. This is what's driving me crazy - Why isn't he like that with the one girl he SHOULD be like that with? I am a girl that takes care of her body and I try REALLY hard to stay fit and eat right. I try to look like the women he's told me he found attractive and still be my own woman. I want him to be satisfied with me, of course. Sometimes I feel like his friends are more interested in me than my own man, and honestly, that feels really crappy.
The other night, we were laying in bed, and he thought I was sleeping, because he kept changing the channel to this softcore porn (well, it's the best he could get on the TV!) and trying to be all sneaky about it. I really don't care if he watches porn (and I've made this clear to him before), so I don't know why he felt he had to sneak, but anyway, he kept checking back to that channel. I rolled over and he quickly turned it back. This made me really upset. He has a girl right beside him wearing practically nothing, that would put out in a second (it's true!) and he'd rather sneak watching porn? Softcore to boot?!?! It starts making me feel like there is something wrong with me, and makes me feel like I'm unattractive. I almost feel like I need to go out to the bar just to get reassurance that I'm desirable (no, I know that isn't the right thing to do, and I'm not doing that). I can't figure it out. I haven't put on any weight, I've kept tone and fit, I have nice womanly curve (decent sized boobs, nice hips and butt, slim waist), I style my hair the way he likes, sometimes walk around in barely nothing, and I'm still unappealing?
I am an open-minded girl that loves sex, and my fiancé acts like sex with me is so unimportant. It doesn't feel very good. He knows I'm open to weird kinky things too so it can't be that I refuse "good" sex. I don't know how to go about fixing this. When I've spoken to him about it, he says that I'm just complaining, or "We don't HAVE to have sex all the time!" Well, trust me, we are FAR from all the time. I asked him if there was something I wasn't doing or some way to improve my looks/attractiveness but he says everything is fine between us and I'm just being a cunt at this point. I don't know what his issue is, but it's frustrating the hell out of me. I think he'd rather just jerk off to some crappy porno than have crazy, kinky sex with the love of his life. If that's what he wants then I NEED to KNOW so I can figure some way to cope with this. Does that make ANY sense?
How do I bring this issue up with him without starting a fight? Like I said, it's completely fine if he wants to watch porn or go to a strip club every once in awhile but I feel so unwanted at this point. He knows I'm always horny and ready to go at it but he'd rather not have sex with me. I'm confused and unhappy. I just want things to be normal. What do I do? What am I doing wrong? Please, please help me.
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Go rent (or buy) a hardcore porn DVD and let him "catch" you watching it. Invite him to join you and offer to act out the stuff in the video. If my wife did that, I would love it.
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Honey, all of the others have had very long but very helpful answers. Im going to keep mine short.
1. You are in your early 20's! This is whats considered your "prime" and should be the best time of yourlife. most of the time sexx gets more scarce with age/marriage so if you think marriage will help him, you are 100% wrong.
2. Please, dont marry this guy. While he obviously needs help with this problem, its not your job to help him with this. You shouldnt be bothered with this crap!
4. from your description, you sound like a very pretty girl, get rid of this sleazbag. while it may be hard to ruin a 6 yr investment of your life, you will be much more happy in the long run with a guy that loves you! I PROMISE.
email me for any other advice or support. Ive been in this position before. Im here for ya girl
stephanie.ellick@gmail.com
steph 21/f/houston
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Here I go again...
Men who are in a committed relationship should not be watching porn 24.7 to the point where the sex life is down the drain and he has forgotten about his loved one. Frankly, I agree with the person below "Why? Are you with him..." If he fights and doesn't want to listen to how you feel well to me that sounds like he not only disrespects your feelings but maybe is more interested in his porn? There is nothing wrong with you sounds like the guy has an obsession and can't seem to admit it. You can try to sit down and talk to him about how you feel..he might take your word for it yet alone your feelings into concideration but if he does the sweet talk "Oh baby I promise I won't do it again" mmmm...Ask yourself twice before believing it. Stand your ground it's YOU or his porn...and if he chooses porn over you then girl you need to move on cause you deserve better than that.
-BahaiMa22
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Every time I finished a paragraph, the voice in the back of my head asking "Why are you engaged to this guy?" got louder, and louder, and louder, and now I have a headache from reading your question. I hate screaming.
Its not about you, its about him. He's got an issue he needs to address, and you have no business calling yourself his fiance.
By that, I mean you'd be absolutely stupid to marry him.
It sounds like theres not really a relationship here, it sounds like you've been dating each other for so long you got engaged because thats what you're supposed to do, and you never bothered establishing a mutual relationship.
It doesn't sound like this guy is capable of that. Newsflash. You aren't the love of his life. And he isn't the love of yours. You're just clinging to him because you have a high school level attraction to him and you've stuck it out way too long.
You can't cope with this. This isn't "he has a lower sex drive than I do" this is "my fiance ignores my desires and emotional and sexual fulfillment because he's a selfish bastard who's happy to have a hot chick to show off to his friends"
He isn't invested in you. Take however much you personally think he cares about you, and divide it by ten. Thats how much he cares. Thats probably about how much he's actually capable of caring.
Now, sometimes a guy will fake it, but it sounds like he isn't even bothering to do that. You don't talk about it, you're just supposed to accept it or keep trying to figure out why you can't get him to respond how you want.
He's not responding because he doesn't give nearly as much of a shit about you as you think he does, and even less when compared to how invested you apparently are in him.
And what is this? This is normal. Reread that a few times if you must, but for your relationship _this_is_normal_. Theres probably no way to bring it up without starting a fight, but at this point why are you worrying about that?
Why are you so willing to sacrifice all of your needs, your self esteem, your sex life, for this guy who's such a fucking loser that he's visiting strip clubs.
A hypothesis. It sounds like your guy views women as objects and nothing more. Why do I think this?
- He hides porn even when its OK. Why? Because he feels uncomfortable. He knows you don't think of yourself as a sex object, but thats all he seems to think of you as. So, he doesn't want to expose his thoughts to you or give you a chance to get a good read on him.
- He picks porn and strippers over you. You are a woman with needs he is supposed to take care of. They are brainless sluts he can enjoy without guilt or effort on his part.
- He makes comments that make him "sound like a dirty sex pig" around friends. This isn't "oh he's just being witty". You're seeing the side of him thats more real than the side you like.
Bottom lining this for you, you are dating a bad boy who never grew up. He's an immature brat of a man-child with no desire or conception of women as an equal relationship partner. He's banking on the six years thing to keep you there so that he doesn't have to be "a loser without a girlfriend" but in truth he is about as invested in you as he is in any piece of furniture he owns.
Thats what you are. A piece of furniture to pretty up the house, something to impress his friends. Thats why you're a "cunt" for bringing it up. Anything about you that requires effort and attention on your part isn't welcome, and he's lucky enough to have found a girl with low enough self esteem that she feels like its her fault when he's a jackass. Its win win for him.
You are being exploited. Break the cycle, if you marry this guy you will be miserable until you eventually go crazy, or end up in divorce court.
Its time to walk. I hope you're strong enough to make that choice, you sound like a girl who deserves more than a stupid frat-boy-esque asshole who uses your insecurities to keep you from realizing what a douchebag he is.
::Edit::
By the way, I'm a guy. I'm telling you this because I know how we work. Your fiance is indulging himself in the worst impulses of our sex. Its who he is and who he LIKES to be. Changing him isn't possible, and if you dedicate yourself to saving him, you WILL ruin your life.
I've already got a friend who's "In love" with a worthless boyfriend. He offers her nothing, but she still "Loves him SO MUCH!" and is incapable of walking away.
Her life is slowly slipping down the shitter because of it, she's losing friendships and is miserable.
Yet, she somehow manages to convince herself that its all her fault. She's taking part in her own self destruction because she isn't strong enough to walk away from a bad situation.
You're 6 years in. Its going to be hard. If you don't do it, bad things will result.
Good luck.
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I am so sorry. I'm going to tell you something that is going to hurt and you're not going to want to hear it, but I think it's important that I say this.
Do not marry this man. He has a porn addiction. It's an addiction. He's displaying addict behaviour (hiding it, defensiveness).
And he's calling you terrible names, not listening to your needs, and lowering your self esteem.
His behaviour is not natural, normal or healthy. It will never improve unless HE wants to improve it. There is literally nothing you can do because this isn't about you. It's never about the girlfriend.
Dude, he's seeking cheap sexual gratification from women he pays, and from women he can't even interact with in videos.
Imagine a lifetime of this, because it's never going to get better. These problems only get worse. You're in your early 20s? You can find someone else, easy.
I know it's hard to start over when you've been with the same guy your whole adult life, but is this crappy excuse of a love life and sex life what you want? Because this is what he is offering, this and only this. You cannot change him, you cannot get through to him (I mean, he's just going to turn it around on you and call you names), and you cannot live this way.
In a good relationship, the hard times come from forces outside the actual relationship (a lost job, a death in the family, renovating a home, in laws). In a bad relationship, the problems are happening from within (addictions, anger, name calling, abuse, infidelity, withholding sex, bad communication).
You're in a bad relationship. Save yourself. Call off the engagement and get the hell out of dodge. You're definitely not the first woman who's gone through this exact situation. I promise you, when these end up in marriage, they ALWAYS end in divorce.
Sometimes we think we love someone when really we're only staying because we need to justify the emotional investment we've made in someone, we need to feel like we haven't wasted all this time. Please, please hear what I'm saying.
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Honestly, you two would be wise to seek marriage counseling. Obviously you plan to marry, and is this the life you want to become your marriage?
Sounds as though your relationship is very unhealthy right now, and counseling may help.
All I know is I certainly wouldn't vow my life to a man who made me feel that way. To be honest, that would be stupid.
Only thing to do is to learn to compromise with one another, or move on with your life with someone who'd rather spend time with you than strippers and TV.
By the way, compromise is something he has to actively do as well as you. You can't make this work all by your lonesome.
31/f
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