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My family dislikes my boyfreind and is spiting me for it
I have an issue where I'm being torn between my family and my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I are the same age , 23. My boyfriend is someone who turned his life around just to be with me.His past was not a good one as he was a former gang member. When he met me three years ago , he changed completely, repented for his sins and is living a normal life. He's extremely smart (the only one in his family to go to college) and very caring towards me. When I introduced him to my family (who are black) there was an instant tension cause not only his past they looked at but the fact that he belongs to another race (east indian). My sister actually went up to him and cursed him out while he just stood there without replying.They believe that people from the east indian race are money grabbers and would take everything away from you that you own.
Now here's where things became interesting. I work and have just recently started going to evening university. The problem is I live about an hour and half away from my my classes while he just lives about two streets away from there.So we decided it was better for me to stay by him the days that I have class and go home the days that I don't as travelling that late hour in the night is not safe where my classes are located.Also as my job location is about five miuntes away from there so it's very convenient to me in every way -I save money, time, and energy. My family on the other hand does not see it that way and find that I should come home the days that I have classes, yet none of them are willing to pick me up from class or advise me of an alternative.When I return home they don't speak to me and any food that i bought they rather have it rot on the kitchen counter than to use it or put it away in the fridge.
To add to that my father was out of the country for a couple days and my sister's new car shut down on one of the days I stayed by my boyfriend. She did not call or say a word to me to inform me about what was happening. Instead she called up one of the most expensive wreckers in the country to collect her car and take it to a very expensive mechanic.It was only upon realisation that she did not have enough money to pay for the repairs she decides to call me when I was at work and demand use of my credit card or my atm card. I told her I could not give her my credit card and that my atm card did not have the amount she wanted on it.I explained that i could help her out the day after as I was going to be paid or if not I could have requested time off to go to the bank but instead she hung up on me.I don't know how she ended up getting the money but a few days after that my father returned and started giving me the cold shoulder.Up to this very morning , i was not feeling well and decided to take a day off from work. I explained that to my father who completely disregarded me and turned the tv volume on max just to spite me. I find it so ironic that my father of all people would behave like that because he was an immigrant and experienced scorn from members of my (now deceased ) mother's family.I don't understand where all this spite and hate is coming from my family whom I love very with all my heart.It is very depressing .
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Since you are an adult you are free to do whatever you want to do. You may want to speak seriously with your parents and let them know that if they continue to treat you like an outcast, you could move out. That is probably a good idea anyway.
You are not responsible for your sister OR her vehicle. She can have it towed and fixed by whoever she wants, it isn't up to you to pay for those repairs or services.
You are old enough to make your own decisions. Your parents will not like all of them, and at 23 a lot of them are none of their business anymore anyway. I suggest looking for a small apartment close to work or school and start living your life on your own. :)
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Just reading this from your perspective is helpful, but at the same time detrimental to writing you a proper response. So many variables seem missing, like what your relationship is like, why your family feels this way. As you stated, your father is an immigrant, so him being racist seems a little far fetched. If your family hates him, and it's because of his past, this boy must have done some really terrible things. Think of it from their perspective; they raised you, took care of you, supported you, and then you fall into a relationship with a criminal. It's every parents nightmare. They are more than likely standing from the "nobody ever changes completely" perspective, worried he will, at some time, relapse into his old ways. A legitimate fear, I hate to say. I wish I knew more aspects of the situation, like whether or not he has committed any crimes since his "turn around", or how he treats you. If I am to take everything you have written at face value, I'd say find a way to show your parents that this guy isn't the man they think he is. Have your boyfriend sit down and talk with your family, explain his expectations and feelings regarding you. It'd be hard for him, I understand, but if he truly cares about you the way you say he does, he'd be more than willing to sacrifice a night of feeling awkward for your relationship. Look at it this way, what do you have to lose? Nothing. What do you have to gain? Everything. Him expressing effort to get along with them because he loves you is something no parent could ever shun, at least not without making a total jackass of themselves. And unless you're leaving things out, like the fact that he still does some illicit activities, your parents have no right to hate him like they do. If he has honestly turned around, has been nothing but good to you for the entire duration of your relationship, and hasn't committed a single crime during said relationship, and your parents still chose to neglect you like this, talk to them. Never shut them out of your life, ever. One day, your family will be all you have. If you chose to live with this man and spend your life with him, one day your parents will compromise. Again, I say all this very tentatively only because the situation reeks of missing variables. Contemplate on everything, think of the whole situation for your parents angle, how you would feel if you were the parent and it was your daughter playing your role.
Best of luck,
Nick
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It is a very difficult situation since you have your family relationships at stake, but you must remember: you are an ADULT. Although you are still the daughter of your parents and the sister of your siblings, you have the right to your own future, and they can't stop you from being where and what you want to be. Granted, I am sure you do not want to completely let go of your family, so I would advise against totally cutting them off from your life, but you must let them know how you feel and tell them that you are going to do what YOU know is right for YOU despite what they say. It is not fair that your family does not support you and your boyfriend and as I see it your education and financial life. You can still love your family, but at some point they need to let you live your own life- whether it be what they want or not.
I don't entirely understand the whole car thing, but my advice would just be to either A) pull yourself out of the whole thing, it is not your problem (although that might not be the most "sisterly" thing to do...) or B) Help out however you can and show her you are there, but not willing to use all of your money on it.
That is just MY advice, use it if you want... I don't really understand the whole story, but I hope everything works out for you.
Ace
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