Member Since: February 10, 2009
Answers: 9
Last Update: June 21, 2009
Visitors: 1166
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I'm pretty sure by reading what you've stated has indeed saved my life, but what does it matter? Why should I continue on if i'm already dead? I hate that I breathe but am too afraid to take the last one away. Can you please help me? (link)
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I don't quite understand what you mean by saving your life, but I am certainly grateful you asked for help before doing anything drastic. While I don't quite understand myself this thing called life, I can tell you right now that it is not meant to be ended by our own hands. I don't believe there is an entity above us that dictates our lives, has a purpose for us, or cares what we do, but I do believe life to be a gift of sorts. A gift without a sender, if you will. Keep what breaths you have about you until the day it is forced from your lungs. We are certainly not dead, either. I know that on the inside, we may appear as though we have no more life left in us, but that's not it at all. View what we have as a natural advantage over the rest of society. Try and realize what a gift it us for us to be able to avoid emotional attachment and influence that others crumble before. We can make decisions based almost 100% on logic, do you realize what a feat this is? Every day given to us is another day we have to learn about everything around us. You can use the logic against me that "in the end, what will it matter what we have learned?". In truth, it probably won't matter. Be selfish, though. Just try and enjoy the life we've been given. Adapt; it's what our people do best. I'd like to hear more about what's been ailing you, if you don't mind. Just whatever you do, do not even consider ending your life. The coward's way out is not the right way, I promise you this.
Best of luck
-Nick
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I am actually responding to your answer, in my question I didnt have time to explain that I am only able to feel pleasures. For example I know a lot about politics, and I am a black belt in tang soo do and that gives me pride. This feels good, but its more like the joy of eating or getting a massage, its still not "emotion". like if someone close to me would suddenly get hurt, I wouldnt be sad. Although I tried to draw some conclusions on my own and I believe a disease like this occurs in people who had difficult childhoods. Like somehow you get immune to emotions, I know it sounds wierd but its my guess. (link)
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Doesn't sound weird at all. So far from talking to a few people I know sharing a similar condition, it more than likely does come from some kind of childhood trauma. I know what you mean in terms of feeling certain pleasures. I carry a second degree black belt in Jujitsu, and it is something I greatly enjoy doing. It sounds like you share a similar condition to myself and the few others I know. Desensitization is more than likely the greatest cause for this, but it can't be the only thing. I can't force myself to feel, and most who have been desensitized can usually gain back a certain degree of humanity. I find myself drifting further away from emotions as the years go by. Once I do obtain my doctorate, I plan on researching this in a greater spectrum, possibly even getting a new diagnosis made for the disease. Keep in touch, I'd like to hear more about your life, what you think caused it, for instance.
Thanks, and good luck,
Nick
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been burdened with this problem since my early teens. I have very much in common with the other peole who posted questions about this. I have been depressed throughout my whole life but before I had this problem I could still "feel". When all this started I wasnt sure what was wrong with me, I found myself losing interest in friends, tv, video games, and music. I was 15 when my brother died, and after that I was certain there was something wrong with me. I didnt feel anything, not sadness, anger, or remorse. I tried to induce emotions to no avail, so it just went on like that. I felt like a robot, acting a certain way in public so no one would know that inside my head was a whirlwind of thoughts. The only thing I could feel was fear and frustration. I could very easily read, predict and manipulate other peoples emotions. Because I understood what sadness, anger, and happiness were, I just couldnt experience them. I was always very intelligent(I graduated high school at 17). It seems this has an indirect or direct connection with my disorder. Anyway the only things that still give me some sort of rush is politics, and pride. I am utterly dead inside though, I feel like I am fading away. What is the cause of this and is ther any help out there? (link)
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I'm sorry if my previous answer seemed a little lackluster in terms of what you were looking for, but I was, to be completely honest, excited. I never thought there were many others like me that shared a similar experience and I guess I let it get the best of me. Though I still know very little about the disorder itself, I can guarantee you that we are anything but dead inside. People like us have more potential than, I would argue, any other people on the planet. One thing I have definitely gathered from this is that the reason people like us can easily read, predict, and manipulate others is because we have a better understanding of them than most normal people do. We don't simply hear people talk, we notice everything about them. Because they are different from us, we notice all the things they do that are foreign. A British person coming to the states would be hard pressed not to notice cultural differences of any American person they would encounter, and vice versa. Look at it in that sort of manner. It isn't a fully correct analogy, but I figure you get the picture. We observe them rather than get involved with their problems at an emotional level. Because of how little we involve ourselves, we can more easily manipulate without the guilt of knowing we are toying with another person's life. To be honest, a few years ago that was all I did around people; warp them in whatever manner I needed at the time. More recently, however, I have been attempting to do it only when necessary. I don't want to abuse this. Intelligence is a key link to our disorder, for lack of a better term. The disease that this ailment is close related to, antisocial personality disorder, is characterized a great deal by a high intelligence. You can't be stupid to do the kinds of things we can. My friend, I firmly believe that what we have is a gift. Treat it as such. Respect it. Appreciate it. Use it as you see fit, just never forget how lucky you and I are to not be bound by emotional attachments. If you have any further questions, or feel I have not answered your question in the way you wished, please feel free to give me feedback.
Best of luck.
-Nick
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I read that you were studying for your doctorate, and you have a similar condition, so I'd like to bounce some ideas off of you, and anything you can provide in the way of a response would be greatly appreciated.
When I was younger I shut myself off from my emotions, to save myself the stress of arguing with people, or getting emotionally distressed all the time. I do remember crying as a child, and feeling bad, but that doesn't happen at all anymore. Sometimes, I'll see a person being abused and I'll feel angry. Sometimes the thought will linger. Even if it's a movie or something, I feel in that way.
I really don't fit the profile of a sociopath, because I'm not involved in negative activities and I don't use people and throw them out. However, sometimes I will use the weak point in a person to get them away from me. If I think I'll end up hurting them, I'll get them to dislike me and run away. Tonight my girlfriend got mad at me because I was distant (I am often, not because I don't love her, sometimes I just feel nothing for anyone inside for a days up to a week or two). She tried to explain it to me and I played it off like I didn't understand. The more she listened to how I wasn't reacting she started to blame it on herself, and get mad for even bringing it up. I don't feel bad for manipulating her, but I feel that we're so different, and I'm bound to hurt her, that I'm trying to push her to see if she'll go.
I'm very kind and generous to people though. I don't expect anything back, I just like doing it. I don't feel anything for doing it, but I know it's right to do. I don't have friends, but I'm nice to everyone, and believe in being proper and following the rules. Yet I am proud in the fact that I can see someone, and instantly, I see more of that person that most people will ever see. I learn how weak some people are exploit it. I lie to a series of people in order to create animosity and arguments. I pride myself in being the catalyst for disaster, and it seems like no one knows it's me.
Anyhow, I'm just wondering if you think I'm like you: Highly functional. Or maybe I'm something else... I don't know, but I just need to talk to someone about it and I know that no one will understand. (link)
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I mean absolutely no offense by this, but it sounds a great deal like an every day typical case of "teenage angst". Again, absolutely no offense is meant by this, and I don't even know if you are a teenager or not. It sounds like you're a great deal more emotional than you would give yourself credit for. You're nothing close to a sociopath, don't worry about that; especially if you become upset when you see people being abused or hurt. It sounds like you're just confused about emotions in general, which is completely normal. As for both having no friends AND being a catalyst for disaster, I'm just saying maybe they do realize it's you and that's why they are not your friends. People are a lot smarter than they're given credit for; or at the very least a lot more perceptive. You honestly just sound like a good person that's confused about life and living it in general. If you learned to shut yourself off when you were a child, you can always unlearn it. It make take some time, but it is absolutely possible. Don't push your girlfriend, by the way. It sounds, again no offense, like you're just being cruel to her. If you're distant and she can put up with it at all, it stands to say something about her character and commitment. If anything at all, it seems like you're desensitized; not necessarily not feeling, it just takes quite a bit to get your attention. I'm going to assume for conversation's sake that your childhood wasn't exactly what most people would consider standard or healthy, and that may be what caused it. It seems more like you enjoy embracing this desensitization than pushing it away, as you appear to be pushing away everyone on the outside. You sound like you have the potential to be a great person, what with the selfless acts and all, but at the same time it sounds like you can be cruel. You sound, hate to tell you, like a normal American dealing with issues. If there are more details you left out, I would love to hear them and re-evaluate the situation, but I'm doubting it will differ much from this. Again, sounds like you have the potential to be an amazing person. Don't let what happened in your childhood deter you from enjoying life today. You can feel, take that as a blessing. Embrace it, look for enjoyment in simplicity; the beauty in a flower, a painting, a song. Start there and work your way back to normalcy. Feel free to keep in contact and give me updates if you would like more help.
All the best,
Nick
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Wow. It's great to know that, like you said, there's something about music. I myself find that it's about the chords (minor mostly). I myself have played trumpet since i was 9 and have sung since I was around 10. I've likewise been brought to tears by music I knew when I was young, and before this. I remember my dad playing Paul McCartney and Wings. I recently found a collection of those songs, and once I heard the one I remember the most (Heart of the Country) I listened to it and about 20 seconds in I was crying. And then that was it and the song isn't sad anymore for me. I'm quite open to all music and enjoy almost all of it, however I never really liked heavy metal or hardcore. I have however been into Hiphop for about 4 years, and I also write graffiti. There are artists that give me emotions, for example Jedi Mind Tricks (HipHop) can make me angry or moreover aggressive. Why? And Busdriver can make me sad, but music never seems to get me happy. It can get me in a groove to the beat, however that's more personal than the music, and its enjoying the music not myself from what I've felt.
Also I understand what you mean about Anti Social etc. What you say is true. I've looked at the diagnoses and discovered it myself around a year ago.
And what you have said about loving the way I am and not wanting a cure, it's true. If I was to go back, I don't think i'd cope with it, because of what my own mind has come to see as illogical, however I'd be controlled by that which I deem illogical. I'm quite intrigued as to how many of us there are.
And on keeping in touch, great idea. Is there any way to message in this website or do I just have to put my email etc out there?? I joined just because I saw the discussion with the other person whose question you answered, so I'm relatively new :)
Best Regards, Rowan (link)
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Good lord this is strange. I never thought I would actually speak with someone that has the same thing as myself, and it's strange marking the similarities. I would like to discuss this further away from the site, somewhere where we can back and forth quicker than this. As for how many of us there are? Well, outside of psych wards and prisons; probably not many. Honestly, I have no idea how to go about getting into contact with you on this site. I would prefer no one but you know what my real name is or have any actual contact information on me. When I get my doctorate in psychology (irony) and start practicing, it might be bad for business if my patient found out I don't feel. Even though I don't believe there could be any better a person to view patients in a logical sense than one that doesn't let emotions drive them, I don't think they'd understand. For the sake of contact, I have created an email for you to get in contact with me. windwalker11689@live.com
Once you get in contact, we can exchange instant message program information.
Talk to you soon,
Nick
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Yeah gday. I was just wondering if, as I replied to another topic concerning not feeling emotions and anti social personality disorder, do you feel emotions in music? There seems to be little hints in it for me, and I was wondering if you did.
Also is there any change on how bad it gets? Seeing as it's been getting worse since ( or better for me, I quite enjoy it most of the time, actually pretty much all)I was 8, and I'm currently 15, so yeah.
Regards, TheseFewPresidents (link)
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Firstly, I would like to state that I use the term Anti Social Personality disorder VERY lightly, as you and I fit in only to a great deal of this disorder. For now, don't view this as something that fits into any specific psychological category, just an anomaly. As for feelings in music, absolutely. Music is one of the few things that makes me feel human, normal like everyone else. I taught myself piano at a young age and have become incredibly well performed in this area. I have been brought to tears while playing Chopin. Literally. I don't know what it is about music, more than likely an adrenal response to crescendos and decrescendos, large fortes, I have no idea. But yes, music most definitely holds something special for me, clearly. It's interesting knowing that is has the same effect on someone with the same condition as me. As for getting worse, or better as it were, it does. I believe this is our fault though. Rather than seeking out a means to fix this, you and I let it take its course, finding various advantages within it. I don't want a cure, I love the way I am and I find it very advantageous ninety percent of the time. Because of this, I believe we become more detached from the rest of the world, fueling the fires that suck the oxygen of our emotions away. I have hit a sort of standstill with it as I am right now, ten years into the condition hitting me. I have not gotten any better or worse, so to speak, in around two years. If it runs the same course for you as it did for me, don't expect any changes in a few years. If you don't mind I would like to keep in touch with you and hear your progress.
Best of luck,
Nick
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I have an issue where I'm being torn between my family and my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I are the same age , 23. My boyfriend is someone who turned his life around just to be with me.His past was not a good one as he was a former gang member. When he met me three years ago , he changed completely, repented for his sins and is living a normal life. He's extremely smart (the only one in his family to go to college) and very caring towards me. When I introduced him to my family (who are black) there was an instant tension cause not only his past they looked at but the fact that he belongs to another race (east indian). My sister actually went up to him and cursed him out while he just stood there without replying.They believe that people from the east indian race are money grabbers and would take everything away from you that you own.
Now here's where things became interesting. I work and have just recently started going to evening university. The problem is I live about an hour and half away from my my classes while he just lives about two streets away from there.So we decided it was better for me to stay by him the days that I have class and go home the days that I don't as travelling that late hour in the night is not safe where my classes are located.Also as my job location is about five miuntes away from there so it's very convenient to me in every way -I save money, time, and energy. My family on the other hand does not see it that way and find that I should come home the days that I have classes, yet none of them are willing to pick me up from class or advise me of an alternative.When I return home they don't speak to me and any food that i bought they rather have it rot on the kitchen counter than to use it or put it away in the fridge.
To add to that my father was out of the country for a couple days and my sister's new car shut down on one of the days I stayed by my boyfriend. She did not call or say a word to me to inform me about what was happening. Instead she called up one of the most expensive wreckers in the country to collect her car and take it to a very expensive mechanic.It was only upon realisation that she did not have enough money to pay for the repairs she decides to call me when I was at work and demand use of my credit card or my atm card. I told her I could not give her my credit card and that my atm card did not have the amount she wanted on it.I explained that i could help her out the day after as I was going to be paid or if not I could have requested time off to go to the bank but instead she hung up on me.I don't know how she ended up getting the money but a few days after that my father returned and started giving me the cold shoulder.Up to this very morning , i was not feeling well and decided to take a day off from work. I explained that to my father who completely disregarded me and turned the tv volume on max just to spite me. I find it so ironic that my father of all people would behave like that because he was an immigrant and experienced scorn from members of my (now deceased ) mother's family.I don't understand where all this spite and hate is coming from my family whom I love very with all my heart.It is very depressing .
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Just reading this from your perspective is helpful, but at the same time detrimental to writing you a proper response. So many variables seem missing, like what your relationship is like, why your family feels this way. As you stated, your father is an immigrant, so him being racist seems a little far fetched. If your family hates him, and it's because of his past, this boy must have done some really terrible things. Think of it from their perspective; they raised you, took care of you, supported you, and then you fall into a relationship with a criminal. It's every parents nightmare. They are more than likely standing from the "nobody ever changes completely" perspective, worried he will, at some time, relapse into his old ways. A legitimate fear, I hate to say. I wish I knew more aspects of the situation, like whether or not he has committed any crimes since his "turn around", or how he treats you. If I am to take everything you have written at face value, I'd say find a way to show your parents that this guy isn't the man they think he is. Have your boyfriend sit down and talk with your family, explain his expectations and feelings regarding you. It'd be hard for him, I understand, but if he truly cares about you the way you say he does, he'd be more than willing to sacrifice a night of feeling awkward for your relationship. Look at it this way, what do you have to lose? Nothing. What do you have to gain? Everything. Him expressing effort to get along with them because he loves you is something no parent could ever shun, at least not without making a total jackass of themselves. And unless you're leaving things out, like the fact that he still does some illicit activities, your parents have no right to hate him like they do. If he has honestly turned around, has been nothing but good to you for the entire duration of your relationship, and hasn't committed a single crime during said relationship, and your parents still chose to neglect you like this, talk to them. Never shut them out of your life, ever. One day, your family will be all you have. If you chose to live with this man and spend your life with him, one day your parents will compromise. Again, I say all this very tentatively only because the situation reeks of missing variables. Contemplate on everything, think of the whole situation for your parents angle, how you would feel if you were the parent and it was your daughter playing your role.
Best of luck,
Nick
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Well lately I've had this crush(the whole year) and had finally gotten up the courage to tell him how I feel. But the exact same day I was about to tell him, he asked out another girl. I was really pissed because their personalities don't match whatsoever and they barely talk at all. Anyway, about a week after this happens I keep thinking they're not gonna last long. Then, on that saturday we were at BRH(baton rouge high) taking a placement test for next year an I meet this guy.
He is my friend's friend and she introduced us.
He was super sweet and mistaked me for someone else at first.( he asked if I was still datig someone... Which is kinda weird to ask someone of u haven't seen them in a while) but we talked for atleast 30 mind and I love him!
He talked to me more in those 30 mind than Kyle ever did (my other crush)
So I find myself day dreaming about him ( he kinda looks like Fred from YouTube) and I barely know him! So then realized that I won't see him until next fall!
My friend told emily(his friend) that I liked Him....but I didn't at the time an she comes up to me and starts calling me bitch an hoe (kinda Playfully) a she says he's off limits and now I probably have no chance of being his friend atmost gf. She prolly told him.
Well I need to know if I should tell Kyle now (even though he has a gf) or wait until I see James this fall.
It's really bugging me now.
Also how can I tell if Kyle likes me or is trying to make me jealous? And how can I get him to notice me more( and how to talk to him)
Sorry for the longness ( I'll rate high for whoever just reads this LOL)
All help will be greatly appreciated!!!
Thanks =] (link)
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If you want to salvage anything at all with your friendship with this Kyle fellow, do not tell him you have feelings for him right now. It's incredibly disrespectful to do that to someone in a relationship and nothing good can ever come from it. Imagine this: You do tell him you have feelings for him and he leaves the girl he's currently with; what is there to make you think he wouldn't just as easily leave you for a another girl batting her eyelashes at him? Do not tell Kyle you have feelings for him unless he and this girl part ways. Kyle is not trying to make you jealous, I'm sorry. Guys typically don't play this card, ever. We're very simple minded creatures, you must understand this. And why wait until Fall to get in contact with this James fellow? In today's day and age, with social stalking...er..."networking" hitting its prime with Facebook, why not try and get in contact with him there? One more piece of advice: Avoid saying you "love" James, especially to his friends or him himself. If you have only spoken to him once, you're barely acquaintances. And who's to say you have to get caught up on just these two guys? I am assuming from your writing that you aren't very old right now, and saying you're taking a placement test at a high school, please oh god please tell me you're taking it for your senior year of high school. If you're in middle school, you're way too young to be worrying about any of this right now. Focus on your academics. Honestly. If you are older than this and I am mistaken, take the advice I gave earlier.
Nick
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I am an 18 year old male and I have been a pretty emotionally dead person for...well since my early childhood. And when I say dead I don't mean depressed or really down or anything of that nature. It's nearly impossible for me to feel anything genuine and I can only put a mask of fakeness on so I don't seem so far out. When I was in a psychology class I read about something called anti-social personality disorder and it almost disturbed me how similar the symptoms were to my own character. I've done enough to put myself away for the better half of my life and I haven't felt a shred of remorse or conscience. Anyways, I'm wondering if my lack of emotion is a cause of concern. Nothing brings me joy, pain, or sorrow and I can't even feel love for my own family anymore. NOTHING will make me feel anything and it bothers me. All I feel like is a body and a brain without a soul. Something is wrong with me but I don't know what. I'm a very intelligent person and all it seems I can do is succeed with material things like work while my relationships are built on false pretenses and emotions I never even felt but acted like I did. My question is: If there is anybody somewhat educated about this...what could be wrong with me? Do I have anti-social personality disorder?...and am I stuck with this? (link)
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Hopefully you still occasionally check back here to see if your question was answered or not. My name is Nick. I'm going for my doctorate in psychology essentially for the very reason you displayed here. I have felt the same way as you, or rather haven't felt, since I was around thirteen. I can remember times in which I was happy, but I certainly do not remember what it felt like. I've done research in my courses on the topic, but there is a very small yield of people like you and I. The only person I really ever came to about the topic was one of my teachers my junior year, with whom I still have communications. According to him, people like you and I are one in a million (not an actual statistic, just an analogy). Yes, what we have is, technically, antisocial personality disorder, but a very high functioning form of the disease. Most people with the illness end up going of the deep end, so to speak, and harming individuals other than, and including, themselves. I just hope I caught you before you went through the same "trying to feel" phase that I did. Don't do anything risky. In the first 10 years I had this, I earned second degree black belts in two different martial arts, jumped off high ledges into water, drove WAY too fast, all in the hopes that I would feel something. Trust me when I say you are wasting your time for the most part. I gained a basic knowledge of what I could and could not feel. I still can get adrenaline rushes in times of need, but those are incredibly hard to feel. I haven't felt one in four years and the last time I did was from a mild fireworks malfunction in which a locally held fireworks show set every one of there explosives off at once, quite a site. I also still desire, no, not desire, but rather feel more in my environment if I have a companion. The past four years I, have been in a relationship with a woman with whom I thought I could, at times, feel some happiness. I would get a warm fluttery feeling in my stomach around her which I thought I remembered being happy, or nausea, and found myself naturally smiling around her. I became comfortable enough with her to tell her my secret and she seemed to take it well at first, but later became noticeably uncomfortable when I stopped acting like a normal person around her. Regardless, if you truly are like me, I'd advise against telling anyone just for the sake of wondering how they would feel about you. Generally they seem okay with it at first because they don't believe you, but the moment you stop putting on the act you have from day to day, they feel very weird around you. Keep your mask on, wear it proud knowing you don't have to go through the pain of living. I've taken on the interesting distraction of observing those around me and learning general human reactions based on stimuli of every day living. Believe it or not, I truly think people like you and I would make the very best types of psychologists, which is why I have chosen to become a doctor of said science. Because we aren't clouded, we can read people easier, predict how they are feeling better, and ultimately help them through situations. I understand you don't have a desire to help people, but its better to live this life with some use than to float through entertaining your lack of feelings. Trust me on this, I've been doing it a long time. If you ever want to tell anyone, make sure it is someone you know you can trust not to turn you into the police as a dangerous lunatic. If you tell a psychologist, make you also explain to them that you have no urge to kill or hurt anything, he'll become worried otherwise. Keep up the act, perfect the act, hell you may even find it to be the best distraction.
Good luck,
Nick
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