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Not Feeling Emotions
I read that you were studying for your doctorate, and you have a similar condition, so I'd like to bounce some ideas off of you, and anything you can provide in the way of a response would be greatly appreciated.
When I was younger I shut myself off from my emotions, to save myself the stress of arguing with people, or getting emotionally distressed all the time. I do remember crying as a child, and feeling bad, but that doesn't happen at all anymore. Sometimes, I'll see a person being abused and I'll feel angry. Sometimes the thought will linger. Even if it's a movie or something, I feel in that way.
I really don't fit the profile of a sociopath, because I'm not involved in negative activities and I don't use people and throw them out. However, sometimes I will use the weak point in a person to get them away from me. If I think I'll end up hurting them, I'll get them to dislike me and run away. Tonight my girlfriend got mad at me because I was distant (I am often, not because I don't love her, sometimes I just feel nothing for anyone inside for a days up to a week or two). She tried to explain it to me and I played it off like I didn't understand. The more she listened to how I wasn't reacting she started to blame it on herself, and get mad for even bringing it up. I don't feel bad for manipulating her, but I feel that we're so different, and I'm bound to hurt her, that I'm trying to push her to see if she'll go.
I'm very kind and generous to people though. I don't expect anything back, I just like doing it. I don't feel anything for doing it, but I know it's right to do. I don't have friends, but I'm nice to everyone, and believe in being proper and following the rules. Yet I am proud in the fact that I can see someone, and instantly, I see more of that person that most people will ever see. I learn how weak some people are exploit it. I lie to a series of people in order to create animosity and arguments. I pride myself in being the catalyst for disaster, and it seems like no one knows it's me.
Anyhow, I'm just wondering if you think I'm like you: Highly functional. Or maybe I'm something else... I don't know, but I just need to talk to someone about it and I know that no one will understand.
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I mean absolutely no offense by this, but it sounds a great deal like an every day typical case of "teenage angst". Again, absolutely no offense is meant by this, and I don't even know if you are a teenager or not. It sounds like you're a great deal more emotional than you would give yourself credit for. You're nothing close to a sociopath, don't worry about that; especially if you become upset when you see people being abused or hurt. It sounds like you're just confused about emotions in general, which is completely normal. As for both having no friends AND being a catalyst for disaster, I'm just saying maybe they do realize it's you and that's why they are not your friends. People are a lot smarter than they're given credit for; or at the very least a lot more perceptive. You honestly just sound like a good person that's confused about life and living it in general. If you learned to shut yourself off when you were a child, you can always unlearn it. It make take some time, but it is absolutely possible. Don't push your girlfriend, by the way. It sounds, again no offense, like you're just being cruel to her. If you're distant and she can put up with it at all, it stands to say something about her character and commitment. If anything at all, it seems like you're desensitized; not necessarily not feeling, it just takes quite a bit to get your attention. I'm going to assume for conversation's sake that your childhood wasn't exactly what most people would consider standard or healthy, and that may be what caused it. It seems more like you enjoy embracing this desensitization than pushing it away, as you appear to be pushing away everyone on the outside. You sound like you have the potential to be a great person, what with the selfless acts and all, but at the same time it sounds like you can be cruel. You sound, hate to tell you, like a normal American dealing with issues. If there are more details you left out, I would love to hear them and re-evaluate the situation, but I'm doubting it will differ much from this. Again, sounds like you have the potential to be an amazing person. Don't let what happened in your childhood deter you from enjoying life today. You can feel, take that as a blessing. Embrace it, look for enjoyment in simplicity; the beauty in a flower, a painting, a song. Start there and work your way back to normalcy. Feel free to keep in contact and give me updates if you would like more help.
All the best,
Nick
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