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Am I crazy??
I'm 18/f and a college freshman.
I dated this boy on and off throughout high school, and we were still great friends when our relationship ended this past summer. He had been in a really bad, near fatal car wreck last March, but he was recovering and doing more than the doctors ever said he could.
I found out last Thursday afternoon that he had committed suicide last Wednesday night (he had ODd on his pain pills and they found a near empty bottle of everclear next to his bed). I still don't believe it was suicide... I mean, that's what they're saying, but I know him so well and just can't bring myself to believe it... he must have just been in a lot of pain.. IDK.. I guess it was suicide... Anyway, I've been really incredibly angry that he would do that (suicide or not... all those pills and alcohol!) to me, his mom, and his cousin - the three people who loved him most - not to mention any other friends.
A few years ago, his half sister was killed from drinking and driving, and I can't seem to bring myself to think that he would leave his mom all alone...
Rather than making me sad, I'm just .. pissed off that he would do this - leave us all here to wonder why and to pick up the pieces all over again. I'm even more pissed that he's left me here to deal with his sisters death all by myself (her and I were BEST friends, and I blamed myself for her death)...
Anyway... am I crazy for being so angry with him?! I mean, of course I'm sad that he's gone, but my anger is overpowering every other feeling I have...
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I'm sorry for your losses.
but you're not crazy for being angry. any would be, as well as confused.
just remember, neither death had anything to do with anything you did, and that, even if you still feel that way, his mom could really use a friend now, someone who could tell her things that maybe she didn't know.
Good luck.
JP
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First I want to say sorry for your loss I know it's hard to lose someone you love. You have every right to feel angry towards him and you excepting that you are angry at him will give you piece. When your friend committed suicide he wasn't thinking about how it could affect anyone who loves and cares about it, but that's how people are able to commit suicide it makes it easier on them when they just think of their own pain rather than everyone else's. Let out your anger, because you holding it in makes it worse for you and you feeling like its not right to be angry is also not good. That could be part of the reason why your friend committed suicide because he kept things inside and didn't tell anyone what was truly going on with him and getting help. And just so you know those pain killers can depress people and change the happy person you knew into someone completely different, I've seen it first hand. You just make sure that you talk to people about it and let your anger out and know its ok!
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I don't know if I have the right thing to say but I did want to say that I am very very sorry for both of your losts.
I also want to say that I don't think it is uncommon to feel the way you do. That is very normal.
What might help is if you go to a counsulor and talk to them about it. Just getting it all off your chest and they know how to put stuff together. It helps just to talk sometimes.
I had a stepdad pass away, he was like my dad, and I still after 12yrs have to talk about it just to handle it.
Well, I hope this helps, I wish I could help more.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Time heals everything.
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This is a very good question, one that many people would be afraid to ask, so I applaud you for your honesty and openness. Also, I extend my condolences to you and yours during this challenging time.
No, you are not crazy. In fact many people feel this same emotion after the sudden death of a loved one. So you are not alone. If you have Hospice or Home Heath in your area, check with them to see if they have grief counselors or support groups available in your community. That can sometimes really help you on the other side of this process. Possible even check with the Student Services department of you college.
Below I have listed the stages of grief as I found them written at essortment.com. These can happen in any order and some may last longer than others.
The five stages of grief are:
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.
Get help. You will survive. You will heal, even if you cannot believe that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain after loss is normal. It proves that we are alive, human. But we can't stop living. We have to become stronger, while not shutting off our feelings for the hope of one day being healed and finding love and/or happiness again. Helping others through something we have experienced is a wonderful way to facilitate our healing and bring good out of something tragic.
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