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jealously.
18/f, i've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. he's always telling me how much he loves me and doesn't wanna lose me, and how beautiful i am, the whole nine yards. the problem is i have severe jealously issues, and almost ALL his friends are girls, and he is a flirt! he doesn't try to be, it's just his personality. he's not like a ladies man or anything, he only had two girlfriends before me [that only lasted like a couple months], they are just his friends, but i cant shake the issue. he is ALWAYS texting girls, and will like purposely turn the phone away from me so i cant see what theyre saying. it's not like im trying to be nosy, but that would make anyone wonder, even though he used to read my msgs when we first got together, although he says he "doesnt remember". even if he comments his girl friends, he'll say stuff like he loves their profile picture, and all his comments always have the little winky flirty face ;-). it really kills me inside, even though i know it shouldnt. i know people say "just remember he's with you and not them", and i know, but for anyone who has jealousy issues, you know it still hurts and you still wonder. he's never given me a reason not to trust him; he's the only guy i've ever dated who HASN'T cheated or used me, but i still wonder. i've talked to him about it several times, and when i do he either gets upset and says he would never hurt me, or gets defensive and says stuff like "fine i wont talk to any girls ever again!", which just upsets me more. he has every right to have girl friends and i dont want him not to, but just cant help the way i feel. i dont want to control him or know EVERY thing he's doing, but i just hate when i come across those things or he's texting his girl friends when im around and it feels like i get punched in the stomach. he was texting one last night and i kept making faces and he finally was like "do you just want me to turn my phone off?" and i was like yeah. i honestly dont think he'd ever cheat on me. ALL his friends and family know about me [if they dont actually know me] and he talks about me all the time, but sometimes i wonder if there'd be a girl who would know about me, but wouldnt care, and be trying to hang all over him and stuff. guys look at me and flirt with me quite often, but i dont have many guy friends that i regularly talk to, and i tell him EVERY THING guys say to me as far as trying to get with me and stuff, and i guess it just sux to know that he has ALL these girls for friends, and i dont really get told anything. how can i fix this? i hate that im so jealous. i always have been, and it's not always so bad, but sometimes, it really is, and i NEED to fix it. what should i do? i just cant shake it.
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Dear I'm Jealous,
The first thing that you need to do is evaluate your relationship with this guy. Do you feel that you can trust him when he's with his other girl friends? Better yet, you should trust that he will not cheat on you when he's talking to his friends, sending text messages, etc. A man doesn't want to feel hassled all the time by his girlfriend. If you keep up with that behavior, you will begin to push him away from what maybe used to be a good relationship and you don't want that.
Next, It may seem as if he's being defensive because maybe he has taken a liking to one of these girls. You have to think about it. This guy is young and he may not be ready for a serious relationship no matter how long you've been dating. So here's my advice to you to see if he really does care about you: Don't wait around for him to call you. You're only wasting precious time and could be doing something else; like hanging out with your own girlfriends, shopping, movies, etc. Make yourself slightly unavailable to him but do not ignore him. Just tell him you've made other plans or that you'll have to meet him at a later time, etc etc etc. When you haven't called him for a while he'll call you questioning you about why you haven't called him. If he doesn't call, you might want to reconsider your relationship with this person.
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You have every right to be feeling like you are now, especially considering you haven't had one relationship where a guy hasn't cheated on you. This might be contributing a lot to the fact that you are jealous, that you can't help wondering. If you really trust him, if you know that he wont cheat on you, then really the best thing is to just trust him. But your previous relationships are most definately making it hard for you to put trust in him, but thats what you have to do. i wouldn't bug him about it, thats only going to make things worse. But explain your position without making a huge deal, tell him how every other guy you have dated has cheated or used you, and you just want to be able to trust him, but its hard. Him hiding his text messages is not helping anything, im sure they arent bad but that is only just giving you reason to worry. because you have been hurt in the past you have to heal and learn to trust, and he needs to be able to realize your position, and stop what hes doing. i really hope this turns out well, because everyone deserves a good relationship. Trust is a big thing, and the people you have dated in the past havent helped with that. you can heal though, and hopefully everything will turn out ok.
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you really need to talk to him about it, im sure you already have, but to his face in person tell him how much it just bothers you. ask how he would feel if it was you texting a bunch of guys. but just expain, it hurts you that you flirt with them, and that also its rude that hes texting other girls while he is with you.. if it gets to the point where he cant make some kind of change to make a compromise with you, you gotta think about keeping the relationship or not.. being happy is all that matters. and if your wory constatnly and wonder.. i know that feeling, after awhile, its just not worthit.
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Wow,
it sounds like EXACTLY what me and MY boyfriend are going through. Except you trust yours and I don't. lol
But other than that, I know how you feel.
I think it's that we HATE the idea of him having another girl in his life, friend or not. And we want to be the only one, yet we don't want to come off as crazy psycho control freakish, correct?
As far as the texting girls when he's WITH you and being so secretive about it... That's a little bit, ehh.
Flirting may be in his blood or his personality, whatever, flirting is flirting. There's no excuse for it and if he's just like "Oh, that's just how I am. I flirt with everyone", tell him you don't like it. You don't have to be rude about it, just tell him exactly what you said in this message. Tell him you want him to have friends and it's okay if they're girls but there are boundaries and sometimes, he crosses the line just a little bit. If he really does care about your feelings and what bothers you, I'm sure he'll understand.
Just be calm about it.
And I'm the same way. I have few guy friends because I feel guilty for even talking to another guy and I know I probably shouldn't but hey, it's better than flirting it up with every guy I see.
He even tells me that I can have guy friends. I just kinda prefer not to.
You can't be hiding feelings from him, especially feelings like these. These are problems that need to be discussed within your relationship and tell him he needs to slow it down- the flirting and all.
You can't HELP that you're so jealous. It's not anything you're doing wrong. It's a matter of bottled up feelings and maybe just a LITTLE untrustworthiness. Tell him everything; how you've been feeling, EVERYTHING.
If he takes it the wrong way, make sure you include that you're NOT trying to control him. You just don't know how to deal with jealousy and him talking to all those girls certainly doesn't help.
I hope I helped you even the slightest bit.
Feel free to ask my further questions or update me on anything that goes on.
Good luck
-Kayla
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The first step is reconizing that you have a problem. Try talking to your boyfriend let him know how its effecting you. Try to work it out so you two can spend more time together without him texting or talking to his girl friends all the time. (My boyfriend was still talking to his ex girlfriends while he was with me I gave him a choice it's them or me.) Anyway, I don't blame you for being upset but on the other hand you need to trust your boyfriend. Relax, Trust me I know its hard. Let him know that you don't like it when he flirts arounds because it drives you up a wall. When he does talk to his girl friends try to calm, Get in the conversation. (Not in a nosey way but in a friendly way)
Sorry I couldn't be much more of a help, I hope some of what I said helps. I'm still working on my jealously as well but I totally get where you are coming from.
Bahaima22
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