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My so-called relationship with my parents seems fake and unfair!
I am a 22 year old Korean/Guamanian woman who has a mom that just doesn't get me...EVER! I constantly get disrespected from my sister, the one person who I thought I can depend on in my life. Since we were little, my YOUNGER sister has always tried to step over me and at first, I was a very passive person, but as I got older, I knew I wasn't going to tolerate it. The most recent incident was when I asked (NOW I MEAN ASKED) my sister to have a little more consideration for my parents when they drive 3 1/2 hours to pick her up from college and take her and her friend home (She asked my parents to take her friend along in front of her friend, so it made my mom feel obligated). I didn't try to be rude, I was being assertive about it and there my sister goes rolling her eyes at me and saying "I didn't come down here to argue with you, this has nothing to do with you!" So what was I supposed to do, let her just say that to me? Hell no! I told her to stop disrespecting me. And all my mom could say was, girls, stop arguing. I asked my mom how can she just let my sister disrespect me like that and all she said was, you guys are grown, what do you want me to do? (I mean, you are the MOTHER!) When I first moved out of my house, I asked the same thing to my mom a few years back and she told me, "well what do you expect, if you act like that" (I have realized my rebellion back in the day was stupid and wrong, but I have admitted to it and tried to make things right from this point) My mom started to yell at me for no reason! She is putting words in my mouth, which I had not said many of the things she claimed I did (claiming I said that she treats my sister better than me). I never said any of that! All I was trying to do was help my mom and dad… My mom just said, “well I let you say what you want to say because I know you were not in the wrong.” So I said, but its okay that my sister disrespects me and you just sit there and watch it happen? Isn’t she wrong for doing that? I don’t know! I was always brought up to respect your elders, even if they are one year older, etc. Especially considering since I am her older sister, I expected more from her. There is so many problems between me and my family and it is catching with me, I think I’m going crazy! I constantly cry about things and I am hurt because I feel like I have no one to be there for me, but myself. I feel lonely! You hope to go to your parents for comforting and support. But I can’t even get that! My parents pay my sisters way through college, but because I moved out, I can’t get help for just books. I don’t know what to do…..
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Your sister was right: THIS had nothing to do with you.
It is totally fair to assertively share you perspective like:
"I think you make mom feel obligated.”
But you were wrong and very rude to start handing down orders and telling your sister how to behave, and no matter how much you feel you ASKED, I can guarantee you that isn't what you sister heard! What your sister heard was you calling her an ungrateful brat and telling her what to do. No one is going to respect that. I don’t care how much older you are, life doesn’t work like that, never has and it never will.
It condescending for you to allow this to turn into a fight. Stating your opinion is one thing. Letting it turn into a battle-royal is something else. You were disrespectful to your sister, and more importantly, to your mother to assume that you had the right to butt in to an issue that is between the two of them.
Your mother was also right. She’s not the referee anymore. You are responsible for how you communicate with your sister and for dealing with what she says in response.
Your parent’s relationship with your sister, regardless of how much of an ingrate or how obligated they feel, is none of your business. You only invite drama and resentment when you try to make it so. Your parents are adults and are perfectly capable of standing up for themselves if they so choose. If they choose not too, that is there business.
It should be pretty obvious, from your mother’s response to you that she USES you to speak up for her, rather then standing up for herself. She doesn’t need to get angry with your sister! You did a totally thorough job for her! Your mother will always defend her, and never get fed up with her, as long as you keep doing it for her. If you take a big step out of their relationship, you might be surprised how quickly your mom starts to get annoyed for her own sake once you aren’t there to do it for her.
Now, obviously there are problems that run far, far deeper then this incident, but seriously, you need stop picking fights just because you are feeling unloved and unsupported. You need to talk to your mother about the REAL issue. The REAL issue is not anything you sister does or doesn’t do, it’s YOU FEELING UNLOVED.
So talk to her about this, at some point when you two AREN’T fighting. Pick a quiet time and don’t focus on all of her ‘crimes’ and DO NOT mention your sister. She isn’t the problem.
Talk simply and totally honestly about the way you feel:
I FEEL like you don’t want to support me.
I FEEL like when I moved out you stopped caring about me.
I FEEL lonely.
I FEEL stressed out and I don’t know how to make this work.
She can disagree with you, and that’s fine, just reminder that that is how you FEEL, even though it might not be really what is happening, and ask her how you both can work towards feeling better about your relationship and what’s going on.
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Well, you have to see that your mother is right when she says you're grown. As we become adults, we have to deal with our problems in an adult manner. Meaning, we deal with it ourselves, unless we have no other choice than to seek out the help of another.
As for your sister being disrespectful to your parents, there isn't anything you can do about it. Arguing and pointing it out does nothing but cause even more arguing and fighting and hurt feelings.
You need to realize that your parents are grown, too. They ALLOW her to do these things to them, so she does them. Not your problem. I know you don't like it, but you need to start realizing that it's THEIR choice to let this go on.
So your mom felt obligated to take this friend. She could have also very easily said NO. She CHOSE not to.
As for them not helping you with books, have you ever stopped to think that maybe they have pride in you for your ability to do for yourself? I mean, you've moved out on your own! Do you understand how good it makes a parent feel to know their child is out in the world and making it? You probably don't realize that they are most likely very proud of you, even if they don't say it. And they may feel that buying your books will do your independence more harm that good.
Seriously. Look at your sister and how she is dependent on your parents right now. 10 years from now, she will likely STILL be dependent on someone else; relying on others to get her through her life. You, dear, will be an independent woman in this world. That is certainly something to hold your head high about.
All the stuff between your sister and your parents is something you'd be a lot better off learning to let it roll off your back. Its between her and them, so don't let it get you down. I know it's hard, but give it a shot, ok? There will probably be a heck of a lot less arguing and fighting.
As for comfort and support, rather than asking your parents to help you get books, ask their advice on how you should go about getting them. I'd willing to bet you'd get a better response out of them, because its just a matter of what kind of help you ask of them. They'd surely rather you ask for help in the manner of their advice, rather than asking for help in the manner of money.
ygs-30/f
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You're sister is the youngest, parents may feel she needs them more then you and that could be why you feel somewhat disowned. You're parents went and do so much for your younger sister, there forgetting about you. Perhaps, take your mother out for lunch, and just discus how you're feeling. You are her oldest daughter, if she has any compassion for you, she'll show it when you sit down and talk to her about how you're feeling. :| Parents can be a pain, don't get me wrong. They should always love the things they brought into this world!
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