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Ex-boyfriend's friends are asking for my help dealing with him...
Ever since we broke up (I dumped him) my ex boyfriend has been behaving rather badly. He’s been sleeping around and alienating his friends, and they keep coming to me asking me to talk to him.
I don’t really want to do that. I talked to him for ages while we dating about the way he treated his friends, about his depression and his bad habits. He fooled around before we were dating a lot. I’m not surprised he is doing the same things now… It’s not like it’s my fault he is this way: He was always that way. I feel like his friends just didn’t notice it as much when he was with me because I was dealing with most of by myself and without dragging them into it. But I warned them, asked them for help and they always ignored me.
I’m ticked off at them all now, and I really don’t want this guy in my life very much right now. I still care too much for him to be able to handle his stupid behavior calmly and I am NOT getting back together with him. Ever. His lousy behavior after the break up has only made me more certain that it was a bad match. I’ve asked his friends to stop telling me all the gory details, but they seem convinced that I’m the only one that can ‘help’ him. If I couldn’t help him when we were together, how on earth am I supposed to do it now? Am I a horrible person for not wanted to get involved in this anymore?
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I actually think that you are very sensible.
1. You have to look out for yourself. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. A 'clean break' after a relationship ends is usually best... (At least, that's always been my experience.) You need this time to yourself, no matter what the deal is with him.
2. No one really changes anybody else. Even if you did talk to th ex, I don't really believe that it would help him in the long run. Like you said, he's ALWAYS been this way. You couldn't change him when you were together, you can't change him now... And I think his friends are bit niave to think so. He'll change when he WANTS to change, and not before then.
I know that this is an akward position for you... And all I can really tell you is what I would do in your situation. Stick to your guns. And the next time his friends contact you, asking for your help, politely explain all your reasons for not doing so. Like I said before, you sound pretty sensible. Maybe if they hear a sensible reason, they'll act a little more sensible.
Best wishes :)
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no your not a horrible person i understand that you would like to help him and you want to be a good person but you said it yourself,that you keep talking to him and he wont listen.and i know you dont him out life but you just have to say''look i dont want you out of my life but,you hae been acting a little''different'' i need you to act a little better cause youre pussing your friends and me the wrong wayand theyve been coming to me so please (dont beg)act different so all your friends wont have their back away from you .....like i will that will probly work! and about thier friends... IGNORE THEM!!!!!IF THEY CALL YOU DONT PICK UP! IF THEY COME TOWARDS YOU WALK AWAY!!!!
GOOD LUCK!!!
Tatianna
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ADVICE
You are not a horriable person for feeling this way at all. If those same friends of his where not there when you asked for there help, and you where ignored seems a bit off scale. People demand alot out of someone when they are not willing to deal with anything themselves directly. Sounds to me like these friends of his dont want or never wanted the responibility of having to pick the pieces up when something went wrong. Your X boyfriend does sound very depressive, it also seems as if he is doing things intentionally to get your attention. when that seems to fail seems like his friends are being sent in to basically demand it for him. Whe a person is very depressive and you had been with him for awhile, he feels a closeness to you, that is now gone too. It will add to his down sprial fast. Even though he was still kindof that way when you guys where together he will do bolder things now just to make sure he is getting you to notice. Weather it be something you hear about from others, his friends directly, on so on. A person such as him needs some councling or some one professional to talk to before he does somethig very drastic. I know you tried and things did not change when you where with him, and I believe that if you ever did feel the need to speak with him, I would tell him he needs professional or some counceling to help him through this. If his depression is this bad and has been for some time he may need to be on medication sometimes thats the only thing that will help. But as far as you feeling bad, you should never feel bad. You did the right thing and he needs help you can not give to him now or even then. So if you do care about him, I would either tell his friends to give him a message for you (about what I suggested) I do think in this situation though he might only be willing to seek help if you where the one who suggested it. So I hope this helps, and I understand feeling torn about what to do. Let me know what you think...
Go slow and think onedayatatime
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