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How can I stop whoring myself out to gain love and affection?
How can I stop my negative behaviors?
I am at a weak point in life right now and am only becoming weaker. Life was always difficult. I've experienced an extraordinary amount of loss of various types--deaths, break-ups, a broken home, etc. I suffer from depression and low self-esteem, but I have never really seen a therapist about either of these. I crave love and acceptance from others but not openly because I fear being completely rejected. I carry myself in a way that nothing seems to bother me but I'm hurting deep inside.
I have been having sex with this man that is a little older than myself. He is not my boyfriend and I know he is really just using me. This is purely just sex with no intellectual connection what-so-ever (it's gotten to the point that we no longer even make small-talk before engaging in the sexual activity). I have told myself that I am with him only to feel like I am still desirable at some standpoint, even though I know he just wants what's between my legs--nothing more. I wish I can have a man who's mine and who will love me, but I feel completely undesirable and giving my body to this man is the only way I know how to "fix" that. This situation is only making me feel colder inside, and it's getting to the point where I feel that my soul is truly dying.
I feel like right now my self-respect is dwindling and I'm acting like a completely tramp. I KNOW I'm a whore for doing this (and I KNOW this so there is no need to spare my feelings in your response). I feel like garbage and, in the end, I know I will be played like I'm a piece of meat, used and discarded of when nothing more can be pulled from the bone. I just don't have any friends or anyone else around me that seems to CARE about anyone but themselves. I'm lonely. I feel terrible. I know I'm making a bad situation incredibly worse. I don't know how to stop, how to fix this, or how to be different.
What can I do to help myself?
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ADVICE
Having sex to fill a void only sets you up for hurt and maybe even death, if your not careful. Deep emotional stresses and pain deep within can cause people to do many differant things. This sounds to me like a very limited fix, almost like a druggy so to speak. When your actually in the act of having sex you feel some compassion and comfort, which your getting sole attention for. But once it is over with you feel that same emptiness and feelings of being lonely again. You may even get angry at yourself for needing that quick fix. The truth is this behavior will destroy your life or any attempts of long term happiness. You need to find a way to feel that same fix but without sex being the answer. You need another outlet. When your feeling lonely and need some attention turn to your friends. Ones with enough will power to not sleep with you and take advantage of you. Lean on your family, and become more active. Taking up a hobby or intrest to focus on is also good. To make things easier I suggest satifing yourself alone in private. If this is not something that takes any prssure off that feeling and not being with anyone sexually, puts you into a deep depression, I would suggest seeing a professional. Deep seeded issues cant be resolved overnight. It seems to me that this most likely is a subconcious reaction and a temperary fix when it comes to sex for you.
onedayatatime
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Hmm.
An exact process of action...
I'd say change your phone number, only give your new number to family and a few close friends, and cut yourself off from the world for a little while.
You need to focus on something else. School, work, a new hobby, find something to fill your time with (or several somethings) that give you a sense of accomplishment on a daily basis.
Do this for a few months, a year if you need to. And the next time you go out with a guy, make yourself follow the "rules of dating"
You know, kiss only first date, go a little further each date if you want, but don't have sex for a while (I imagine a month probably falls into that category)
People always say "is this person worth sleeping with" and "have they earned it?" are how you figure out if you should sleep with someone.
I say a little differently.
"Does this person want me? Do I want them? Do I want to wake up next to them in 6 months? Do I want to get to know them better? Do I already know them a good bit?"
If you've been with someone long enough to know you want to be with them longer... well you're going to do what you're going to do. But instead of basing your worth off of it, you should just seek to find someone who wants to spend time around you, who asks you about yourself and who wants to hang out as well as be intimate. Someone you can have a conversation with for an hour or two and not get bored.
But the first step is cutting yourself off from sex, and people you have sex with, completely. You need to focus on something else in your life besides whether you feel valuable to other people, focus on being valuable to yourself in areas outside sex and relationships.
Once you have a basis in confidence in yourself, step back into dating.
Oh, a final tip.
Its easy in this world to go without validation. We don't value anything but the shallow in this day and age.
There are times when you question yourself.
Fake it.
If you don't feel like you're worth anything, fake it. Pretend that you are. Act as if you are. If you'd like to be worthy of a guy who treats you well, pretend you are. Pretend you're worth more than you think you are, and stay away from people who don't fall in with that viewpoint, and what you think a decent person deserves.
And eventually, you'll find someone who agrees.
It works. Ive had my own issues in life related to this, and there were times when I settled for anything because I thought I wasnt worth much.
I acted like I was. I went after girls who expected their guys to be worth something, I started paying attention to people who had value and who required the people they associated with to have value.
And you know what, I found people who didn't disagree. This front of value I was putting on, people agreed with it! It took time, it took alot of hurt, because not everyone looks at everyone else and sees someone they like, or want to be around.
But I found them. More than just a few, too.
Through their eyes, I saw what they saw. Sometimes the things they liked about me weren't even things I noticed or took pride in, but I learned.
You can do the same.
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Ok. Since you asked to spare your feelings in our response, I'll get right to the point.
First step is to suck out the poison in your life. Get away from the man you've been having sex with. I know. It's going to be scary because you might feel like that you're severing the last piece of somebody that cares for you (even though you know it's a false care). He's only feeding into this negative behavior.
Second, get your own personal life in order. Are you in school? Do you have a job? If not, work towards getting one or both of those. It'll also be hard but use this mantra: "Today is a new day." With each sunrise, we have another chance to live our life. Just say it whenever you feel a bit down. "Today is a new day."
Third, go get therapy. University campuses usually offer a psychological health facility (aka therapist office) for rather cheap. It'll be the best thing you've ever done. It might not make you completely reverse what you think of yourself but it will definitely start the change.
Optional Third: find religion. Personally, I'm not a religious person. But I've found for people who feel/are in a very low point of their life that religion could be a good thing. It offers a support system to help turn their life around. Find some local new age churches (i.e. The Rock Church) and show up to a congregation to see what they're about. Speak with the pastor, tell him that you're on the road to recovery and you would like the support of God. Or if that's not your cup of tea, try other places out there. There's bound to be a coven or temple or synagogue that will welcome you and help you through your ordeal.
I wish you the best of luck with this. This was a good move. The first step in turning your life around.
Cheers,
stargirl
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You are not worthless, you are not a whore/tramp/slut, and your not a piece of ass. In this world it's hard to decide who and what we want to much, and even harder to be that. You want to be loved like everyone else. Some people drink and do drugs, others get involved in sports or work. You looked to someone older to give you support and guidance, and he took advantage of that. That doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human like the rest of us. Everyone breaks, falls down, and is forced to see the world from their knees. Your fall was no worse than the rest of ours, so don't ever believe the lies they tell you.
You are beautiful and you are smart. You're everything your supposed to be. The reason it seems to you that noone loves you is because you haven't taken the time to love yourself. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. Noone in the this world is more beautiful and desirable than you, they're just more confident.
The first step is saying No. Telling yourself and the world that you wont it anymore. You are just as good everyone else, and it's time you start believing it. Cut him loose, and don't run to anyone else. You're strong, you stand on your own.
Once you've made that stand it'll be hard to stick to it, you need a find a friend, a true one who won't break you down. And you'll find they are all around you, you've just got to look for them. But if you need someone to talk, or remind you how great you are. I'm here, and i'd be happy to slap some sense into you.
Next you need to find something you want to do that makes you happy, that makes you feel like your best self. For me it's anything artistic: music, drawing, ect. All it's got to be is something that shows you what your capable of. If you don't have any idea of where to start, make a list of things you want to try, and then start trying them! And don't give up because you don't think you can't make. I know you can do ANYTHING, you should too.
So just remember the first step in it getting affection from others is first finding the confidence to show them who you are. They can't love you if they don't know what they are loving. So start finding yourself. Once you find her, you'll that the world will too.
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