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Struggling to quit using heroin
I am a 20 year old male, a full time student in college, and a successful, functioning heroin addict. Looking back now, It is hard to believe that I let myself get to this stage. I have always been a good student, my teachers would be shocked to learn whats really going on. In addition to my decent school career, I have a 3.4 gpa and am sending out applications in November, I also work part time. So I have been lucky in the fact that I haven't let my addiction turn me from my dreams to be successful, but I am still an Addict.
I have been using drugs ever since I broke my back on New year's Eve of 2006. It started with pain killers (Vicodin, Percosets, then Oxycotin), but before long it moved to black. I've been extremely successful at hiding my addiction from everyone that is close to me,(parents, friends, coworkers) but I do not want to continue to lie and steal from them. I have recently started talking to a therapist about this and have gotten medical help to quit using, they gave me Suboxone which has worked wonders for countering the withdrawl symptoms.
So I decided to quit using and was all amped up on getting clean, and after being straight for 2 weeks, I used the other day, then the next, and then the next. Now I am starting all over again from step one, and am now only 1 day clean!!!
My biggest fear in the entire world is that I will not overcome this and let myself fall back into my old ways.
After being clean for 2 weeks, it seemed harder to go about my day then it did the first week. It is extremely hard to get out of bed in the mornings, lately I've been blowing off school to just sit around in my room all day watching TV. It just feels like I am missing a part of me that only using can fill. I guess I feel that way because of how powerful opiates are and due to how long and hard I was using them for, it simply changed the biochemistry in my brain.
Has anyone here ever been through anything like this? And how were you able to do it while still keeping busy in the daily grind that is America?
I mean can I still get up at 7am every morning without taking a hit to get me through the day?
Please respond if you have anything to relate.
-Struggling
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Thank you for your responses. But i should add a few things.
I have an older brother who got me into this whole mess and he is at the point that only rehab can fix. He's been there once already and has been stealing thousand from my family and using more and more ever since. He NEEDS rehab RIGHT NOW.
I on the other hand, feel that I am on the right path at this moment and that rehab is out of the question.
I am BUSY AS HELL with school and work right now so there is no time for that. However, I feel good about myself at the moment and PEEP gave some great advice. I have been playing basket ball, going for walks, making lists,working out, ect. Changing my behavior has helped a ton. Its just hard when my older brother, whom I share a room with, is still using. I see it and smell it in my room daily.
For example, i get home from school today and i find a sack sitting on the table, then later he asks me to drive him to get some shit and he'd hook me up for doing it. So I feel that through taking baby steps, focusing on my school work and what bright future it will lead me to if I only tried, can lead me down the right path.
Oh yeah i forgot to say, I've never shot up in my life, just smoked. At my worst, I was smoking a gram a day, but no syringes. EVER.
Also, quitting heroin is the hardest thing to quit in the world. NO Habbits compare. I know that pulling out eye lashes might be a tough thing to stop doing, but it doesn't compare in the slightest. I mean, I appreciate your advice, it's just that you can't really relate if you've never felt the pull of a gnarly addiction like this.It, like meth, physically changes your brain functions. Although, heroin does not do permanent damage(meth can), after about 90 days clean it starts correcting itself (especially if one exercises and eats healthy).
However, I have made it through worse and I truly believe I can presevier(sp?) this time as well. Breaking my back was the single most tramatic thing i've ever experienced. I was dirt biking at Glamis Recreation Park on New Year's eve when I flat landed off a jump going 60 MPH. I had to get hell-vaced to the nearest hospital for immediate emergency surgery. After 3 weeks in the hospital I was out in a full body brace, laying in bed for 8 months straight, followed by 8 more of daily physical therapy. That seemed to toughen me up at 17.
That has been my motivation to succeed in life. That is the reason I plan on getting my MBA from USC (HAHA how many addicts plan that then actually succeed? What like 1 out of 100,000).
So thank you all for giving me your advice, but in all honesty, I know what to do from here on out, and writing this actually helped. I've never written anything down like this before(journal, blog, ect.) so I may take your advice and write a journal.
All I need is the right attitude, eating right while staying physically active, to go back to just herb and beer like all 20 year olds should, and lots of lots of f**king all the smoking hot girls that I am so truly blessed to live around in the So Cal area.
Thanks and please respond if you have anything to say at all.
-Ex-Addict
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I second the need to go to a rehabilitation clinic for some weeks. I also suggest looking for the longest therapy course you can get in a rehab clinic--the longer you are there and clean, the better off you're going to be. The longer you can stay in a positive, clean environment, the higher chances there will be of being able to cope with "regular" life.
I want to note that you are also brainwashing yourself to be numb like you are describing:
"I guess I feel that way because of how powerful opiates are and due to how long and hard I was using them for, it simply changed the biochemistry in my brain."
That sentence is you telling yourself that you can't ever change because you altered your brain for life. I understand that your brain chemistry can be altered by using such drugs; however, you have the control over your body to express those new urges or ignore them. You CAN change. You CAN get clean.
It's a struggle to stop using everything that is addictive. Caffeine causes people to have headaches for a week solid sometimes, not to mention them becoming overly irritated easily. Smoking can take months to full kick out since every wiff of the odor brings back that sensation.
Wake up every morning (of course, this is until you can get into rehab) and set out your day. Plan every moment of it. What you'll eat, where you'll go and for how long, etc. If you have to, plan every detail of your day the night before. Then you need to stay on your schedule. Sticking to a full schedule (not stressful, mind you, but always active in something) will help you keep your mind off of using. Remember to avoid "hot spots" which may remind you heavily of using. If you hesitate getting up then force yourself to do it anyway--tell yourself this is something you HAVE to do, and that tomorrow things will be better.
Live on the "one day at a time" slogan. Remind yourself that each day is one day more of being clean. Remind yourself that each day clean is one day YOU had CONTROL. Give yourself a nice treat every week you go being clean--a new shirt, a trip to the movies, dinner at your favorite place. After some weeks of treating yourself for weekly successes, go for treats only once a month.
Try to become engulfed in a harmless activity. Sports seems to be a big hit with men and is also stress relieving. You can also take up something you can do in the privacy of your home such as knitting. This will help you fill gaps in your day.
Keep a daily journal. Write in this at least once a day, at the end of the day before bedtime if possible. Express your feelings. Your hatreds, frustrations, glory, etc. Get that emotion out.
Set a bedtime and wake every day, even for weekends. A steady schedule will help you more than you know. Waking up every day (even on weekends) at 7am and being in bed by 9pm will help your body feel in control of itself. This will help decrease your stress as well. Remember to have your days filled so you have little-to-no down-time to give into urges.
Remember to avoid material which may cause urges to use. Avoid certain kinds of movies just in case. Buy a TV guide and choose your television viewing carefully beforehand. Stay away from other users or people who encourage the behavior. Cut off contacts with suppliers.
If you slip up down the road then be harder on yourself about sticking to a new way of life. Each day is a victory, remind yourself that you want to win every day.
Avoid alcohol. Avoid smoking. Avoid caffeine. Avoid anything addictive if possible. Your body needs to detox completely so it's not constantly craving everything.
If you can, plan out weekly meals so that your body gets on an eating schedule and you're not stressed about finding breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It's really worth the time to sit down and figure this out, I promise. Try to keep a balanced, healthy diet--the healthiest you can manage. If you can eat every day at the exact same time then that is perfect (if not, try to get close). Your body will be happier. You won't feel as much pressure. This will be easier.
The only way you're going to successfully quit is if you take control of every ounce of your life. Some things may sound silly but it's the only way you're going to make it, especially if you want to do this alone. If people become suspicious of you changing your entire lifestyle then just tell them you're become more health conscious.
You can do this in time. It will take a lot of energy to get into a steady routine but you can do it. The routine will become nice after awhile and you'll learn how to spice up every few days. Most people usually do not have the will power to sit down and do what I've listed but if you can, you can make this work.
Seek a rehab center though. You will probably need help getting started on the right path.
If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask me! :)
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Truthfully, I can't relate on the drug aspect, but I believe all of us have some kind of addiction or internal struggle we are either trying to run from or get over. I congratulate you for going to the therapist, admitting you have a problem is the first step in solving anything.
And being only one day clean, is not bad, you should be really excited, because it is a start. I personally have ocd and if i try anything once I can easily become addicted. I know its nasty but I have a problem with pulling my eyelashes out, I know its not as big as drugs, but it doesn't mean its not hard to quit or walk away. I know what you mean when you said you let yourself fall back, its kinda like where you are doing really well for a week or two months or whatever, but then the cycle starts all over again. YOu feel like you can't stop it. It so hard, because my self esteem is so low right now, I pulled myself down. I let myself go too far, please don't do that too. I am at the point, where I don't want to go to school, I feel worthless all the time, and I watch way too much tv. It is very bad, but like you I am a good student, but I have had years of internal struggles. I had something happen to me in middle school that I can not get over no matter how many therapists I've seen, how many nights I cried, or how many times I have told myself I am not worthless. Its at the point where I can't trust anyone around me, I stay to myself I can't let myself be with any guy that I like, yeah its pathetic.
I'm sorry, I just totally went on about myself, okay back to you, yes you are on a bad path, but you are recognizing the problem which means you can recover. What you need to do is fill the drug "void" with different activities that are not a hazard to your health. For instance when you are feeling like injecting go for a walk outside, or go meet a friend. Yes its hard, but when you break the habit, you will finally be clean. Start enriching your life with things you like to do, not things you think you need like drugs.
And one more thing, I dated this guy over the summer very briefly, and his step brother is battling drugs. Coccaine, Marijuana, Heroine, cigarettes, a lot of prebscription drugs too. I don't like what I watched him go through, you should have seen the stories he told, the pain in his face made me want to cry. His step bro, basically tore the family apart financially and physically, they have to hide everything b/c he comes back and steals and dropped out of highschool his sophmore year. I have never met you but I am asking you please find a way to stop, I have seen other's pain b/c of a someone's drug problem, I know the pain. You're better then this crap, I know you are. A 3.4 gpa, go out and follow your dreams, heroine isn't the hero, its pulling you back, get out there and kick this habit. You asked if you can get up at 7am every morn w/o taking a hit? Umm I would have to say definitley, you are your own person, you have to believe that you can stop that you are better then this. I know you can do it, so does your family. So yes you can do anything you want, you have the power to control your life. So go follow those dreams!
I hope I helped a little bit, sorry about the rambling, its what I do.
I hope you have the best life possible, and just so you know God did give us free will, I would say that you gives you the power to decide not to do drugs anymore. :)
All the best,
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well, one of my friends was a hard user he's only 18 he's been using since he was 14 and he tried to stop when he was 16 and he had no luck he took other meds prescribed to help him but, just like you he ended up back using within a couple weeks so he was driving home one night while shooting up at the same time.. and he got into a car accident and got his license taken away well it was the wake up call he needed and he checked himself into a rehab center.. and hes out now he was there for a few months though but he hasnt used since, i know you said you haven't told you friends or family but maybe you should, i think you should do what my friend did and check in to a rehab center if you haven't already tried that i know it worked for my friend.
goodluck
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