Member Since: September 22, 2008
Answers: 1
Last Update: September 25, 2008
Visitors: 331
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I am a 20 year old male, a full time student in college, and a successful, functioning heroin addict. Looking back now, It is hard to believe that I let myself get to this stage. I have always been a good student, my teachers would be shocked to learn whats really going on. In addition to my decent school career, I have a 3.4 gpa and am sending out applications in November, I also work part time. So I have been lucky in the fact that I haven't let my addiction turn me from my dreams to be successful, but I am still an Addict.
I have been using drugs ever since I broke my back on New year's Eve of 2006. It started with pain killers (Vicodin, Percosets, then Oxycotin), but before long it moved to black. I've been extremely successful at hiding my addiction from everyone that is close to me,(parents, friends, coworkers) but I do not want to continue to lie and steal from them. I have recently started talking to a therapist about this and have gotten medical help to quit using, they gave me Suboxone which has worked wonders for countering the withdrawl symptoms.
So I decided to quit using and was all amped up on getting clean, and after being straight for 2 weeks, I used the other day, then the next, and then the next. Now I am starting all over again from step one, and am now only 1 day clean!!!
My biggest fear in the entire world is that I will not overcome this and let myself fall back into my old ways.
After being clean for 2 weeks, it seemed harder to go about my day then it did the first week. It is extremely hard to get out of bed in the mornings, lately I've been blowing off school to just sit around in my room all day watching TV. It just feels like I am missing a part of me that only using can fill. I guess I feel that way because of how powerful opiates are and due to how long and hard I was using them for, it simply changed the biochemistry in my brain.
Has anyone here ever been through anything like this? And how were you able to do it while still keeping busy in the daily grind that is America?
I mean can I still get up at 7am every morning without taking a hit to get me through the day?
Please respond if you have anything to relate.
-Struggling
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Thank you for your responses. But i should add a few things.
I have an older brother who got me into this whole mess and he is at the point that only rehab can fix. He's been there once already and has been stealing thousand from my family and using more and more ever since. He NEEDS rehab RIGHT NOW.
I on the other hand, feel that I am on the right path at this moment and that rehab is out of the question.
I am BUSY AS HELL with school and work right now so there is no time for that. However, I feel good about myself at the moment and PEEP gave some great advice. I have been playing basket ball, going for walks, making lists,working out, ect. Changing my behavior has helped a ton. Its just hard when my older brother, whom I share a room with, is still using. I see it and smell it in my room daily.
For example, i get home from school today and i find a sack sitting on the table, then later he asks me to drive him to get some shit and he'd hook me up for doing it. So I feel that through taking baby steps, focusing on my school work and what bright future it will lead me to if I only tried, can lead me down the right path.
Oh yeah i forgot to say, I've never shot up in my life, just smoked. At my worst, I was smoking a gram a day, but no syringes. EVER.
Also, quitting heroin is the hardest thing to quit in the world. NO Habbits compare. I know that pulling out eye lashes might be a tough thing to stop doing, but it doesn't compare in the slightest. I mean, I appreciate your advice, it's just that you can't really relate if you've never felt the pull of a gnarly addiction like this.It, like meth, physically changes your brain functions. Although, heroin does not do permanent damage(meth can), after about 90 days clean it starts correcting itself (especially if one exercises and eats healthy).
However, I have made it through worse and I truly believe I can presevier(sp?) this time as well. Breaking my back was the single most tramatic thing i've ever experienced. I was dirt biking at Glamis Recreation Park on New Year's eve when I flat landed off a jump going 60 MPH. I had to get hell-vaced to the nearest hospital for immediate emergency surgery. After 3 weeks in the hospital I was out in a full body brace, laying in bed for 8 months straight, followed by 8 more of daily physical therapy. That seemed to toughen me up at 17.
That has been my motivation to succeed in life. That is the reason I plan on getting my MBA from USC (HAHA how many addicts plan that then actually succeed? What like 1 out of 100,000).
So thank you all for giving me your advice, but in all honesty, I know what to do from here on out, and writing this actually helped. I've never written anything down like this before(journal, blog, ect.) so I may take your advice and write a journal.
All I need is the right attitude, eating right while staying physically active, to go back to just herb and beer like all 20 year olds should, and lots of lots of f**king all the smoking hot girls that I am so truly blessed to live around in the So Cal area.
Thanks and please respond if you have anything to say at all.
-Ex-Addict
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