|
Where do I go from here?
Growing up, the cornerstone of my being and identity was thus: Do good, and good things will happen.
I'm a religious guy, and I always, always, do what I think is right.
Up until 7 years ago, no matter what happened or whatever came my way, I stood my ground and persisted.
Then I met a person, who I thought I could trust and trusted me. And this person, in time, wronged me in response to me doing what I thought was right. And in the process, they tore the foundation of my self-belief down, and made me out to be essentially a bad, horrible man.
Traditionally, it's been my experience that karma, or justice, always does its thing. But in this case, there was no vindication for me.
I've recently checked in on said person who wronged me through the wonder of blogs, and discovered that while I'm a graduate who is jobless, love life on the rocks, and his dreams increasingly out of reach, they are happy in their love life, have a good job, and everything is going their way.
While I've been trying to still live like a good person, this person who is selfish and cruel is happy, while I'm still second-guessing the motivation behind every good thing I do.
I'm not asking how to get my self-belief in karma back. I've accepted that nothing I do is going to change my life to a happy one, even if I remain a good man (in my mind at least). All I want to know is, where do I go from here now that I know that being a horrible person apparently gets you happiness and being nice leaves you hating yourself?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Wow.
Just...wow.
The experiences of my life have been far different, but what you just described has probably been one of the hardest truths I've had to grip with in my own life.
To be honest, I still don't have a full handle on it.
The world is absolutely full to the brim with self interested people. Its human nature, but it also varies like the wind with different people. What varies the most are people's lines they refuse to cross.
What won't you do in order to have a good life.
For you, theres alot. You refuse to profit from others loss on purpose. You refuse to ignore other's issues to focus on your own. You refuse to put yourself first in every situation regardless of whether you deserve it and often refuse to put yourself first even when you deserve it.
Most people don't live their lives by your standards, some unwilling, some unable. Hell, I would definitely describe myself as more self interested by far than you.
My lines are, that I will not hurt others to make my life better, and I will not through inaction let the lives of those I care about get worse. But I still put myself first in most situations, but the way it is expressed...
Example. Everywhere I work is like high school 2.0. Perosnal drama, immaturity, bickering, etc.
I avoid all that. I go to work to work. I steer clear of drama people completely and focus on getting through my shift. I don't get involved in all the BS that goes around and I don't create any of it.
I ignore the dramamongers, I don't really help them out, or do anything for them. I try not to do anything to hinder them. They go their way, I go mine. I live and let live and treat people I don't like as I want them to treat me. Polite indifference and pretending that I'm/theyre not here.
Thats how I live most of my life. If I like you, I'm your best friend. If I don't like you, I bear you no ill will, I just don't want to have to be a burden on you or waste my energy helping you.
Thats cynicism. I used to be ALOT more like you. I wanted to help everyone. Still do, to a degree. I want to be a family/marriage counselor and psychiatrist. I want to help people, but also make a great living.
See? Self interest. I don't want to be a school counselor, I want to be something that makes 250k a year.
A few hard facts that you will learn, but the transition can be easier.
1) This world truly has no sense of fair play. Sometimes great people get great, and crappy people get crappy. Sometimes, great people get crappy and crappy people get great. Its completely random most of the time.
2) You have to be willing to put yourself first. You don't have to hurt other people to do it, and you can set your ethical boundaries whereever you want, but you have to set your priority.
Mine is family first. I will help myself or my family, or friends who I consider family before anyone else. I would put a roof over their head and clothes on their back, money in their hand if I knew they truly needed it. I will suffer for family. I won't for anyone else.
Yours might be a bit different, but you need to ask yourself where your boundaries lie. Know thyself and to thine own self be true. I don't remember where thats from but its damn good advice.
3) Recognize people who WILL profit at your expense. Prepare yourself for it. Watch your back and your ass, and learn that you truly cannot trust everyone. So pick the people you trust well, depend on them, and do your level best to make sure that no one can use you or take advantage of your good nature for their own selfish profit.
]
I don't think that you're unhappy because the world isn't fair. I think that you're unhappy because you have a self-defeating attitude.
You just told us that you hate yourself. Why? Because you tried to be, in your definition of the phrase, a 'good' person? I could be wrong... But I think you hate yourself because you feel like your behind in the grand game called life. And I think that reading about how this person that you deem selfish and cruel is so 'ahead' of you causes you to feel inferior.
Well... You're not inferior. The world will tell you that things like success in a 'respectable' carreer, an exclusive relationship, even membership to a certain church, or ownership of material possessions determine whether you are better or worse than another human being. That's a load of crap. A load of crap because we're all equal. We're all born equal, we'll all die equal. And it doesn't really matter where you go in life, it's how you get there. Just because you don't have a stellar job, or haven't met the love of your life... Doesn't mean that you're behind anyone. It may mean that your definition of personal success is different from the majority of people that you encounter.
Think about some of the people that have made the biggest impact on our society. A man named Jesus... Left behind his family and everything he owned to travel from city to city and spread a message of love and forgiveness. He didn't own a thing, he never married... Buddha, born a prince, married... And left behind all his wealth and his wife to spread a similiar message. Mother Teresa spent all her time ministering to the needs of the sick, and spent every dime she had for their care. I remember hearing a story about her after she died. A man had bought her a Cadillac, and when she saw it she said, 'Why did you not just give me the money? I could help more people that way.'
I'm not suggesting that you sell everything you own and take to wandering the streets looking for good deeds to perform. I'm suggesting that you re-evalute your self-worth. While the world may not be fair... The people that we remember best, even if they were never as famous as Mother Teresa, were the people that loved unconditionally. The people that accepted us, listened to us, helped us... even if only in the smallest way. The people I know that embody these qualities are not famous, not rich, not successful by the worlds standards. My grandmother... Who I would have not made it through my childhood without. My friend, Josh... Who taught me what a real friend is. My boyfriend, Jerry... Who was able to stare at the dark side of my soul and did not, ever, turn away. These are the people that inspire me to love each of my fellow human beings. Simply because they loved me first.
So... If you can not believe in justice or karma, or whatever you want to call it... Believe in love. If you are dissatisfied with the direction of your life, perhaps you are wandering down the wrong path. And if you do not love yourself, perhaps you have forgotten who you are.
]
I'm going to try to keep my answer as religion-neutral as possible.
A wise man once imparted three truths about life to me: "Life isn't fair. Life is hard. Life is a choice."
I, like you, always do what I think is the right thing. However, where we differ is that you seem to do good because of the promise that good things will come in return. It doesn't always work that way. Life isn't always fair. In a perfect world, maybe, but not the world we live in. This in itself is no reason to abandon hope, or the things you stand for and believe it. Sometimes you get the stick, and other times you get the carrot. If this truth alone is enough to dissuade you from doing good in the world, are you truely doing good, or simply accepting a percieved form of bribery from the universe? Do good for the sake of doing good, and to hell with what you get (or don't get) in return.
Life is hard, and you're experiencing this first-hand. You may find some comfort in that, at least in some point in their life, everyone has problems, and some people have problems bigger than yours. I don't think I need to expand on this any more, so I'll leave it at that.
So, to answer your question: In the same way that it's your choice to accept that being a bad person makes you happy and being a good person makes you miserable, it's your choice on where you go from here. A different, unrelated wise man once told me "Tell me where you start out, and I'll tell you where you end up". From your current outlook, it seems to me that you're going to spiral downward into a life of cruelty and selfishness because of the apperant lack of consequences. However, life is a choice, and if you wish to change that, it's well within your power to do so. If you change your outlook, your future will change accordingly. If you change where you "start out", where you "end up" will change accordingly.
Life isn't fair. Life is hard. Life is a choice.
Also, keep in mind that not everything you read on the internet is true, and people lie (especially about themselves) quite often. If it makes you feel any better, chances are things aren't going as well for your "friend" as he or she would like you to believe.
Lastly, changing your beliefs isn't nessessarily the end of the world, and is quite common as people grow older, mature, and see more of the world. Judging from the maturity of your question, it's safe to assume that you're not one of the 13 year old girls that usually ask questions on this website, but maturity can happen at any age, and at any point in your lifetime. What I'm trying to say is, don't always fear change. It usually leaves you some place ultimately better than where you began. After all, the ability to grow and adapt is part of what helps make us human.
]
I don't know if I can do your question
justice or not but I am going to give
it a try.
I think that good things do happen to
people who live life trying to be as good
as they can be to others. Bad things happen
too. The kindest people in the world will be
hurt by other people and things. Thats life.
With luck people LEARN from those bad things
that happen and become even better people for
it.
If you are a religious man of the Christian
faith, you should remember that your reward
comes later. Not in this life. The person who wronged you may indeed be happy in this life. That may be all there is for that person.
It seems to me that your pain and unhappiness
is still being determined by this person who
has wronged you. If you want a happy life I
think you need to forgive this person. Stop
letting whatever happened rule your life today.
You are allowing the bad to win. It is what
is making you unhappy.
Don't read their blogs, don't worry about
how they are living their life, Don't worry
about the good job they have or even if they
have a good love life. It should no longer
matter or effect YOUR life in any way. Let
it go.
I think when you do, you will find your
happiness in being a good person again.
Try and remember that none of those things
truly make a person happy if they are a
miserable person. Not long term anyway.
]
More Questions: |