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abusive
I'm not really sure how to start this so I'm just going to jump right in...
I was in a very abusive relationship for about 2 years, the guy hit me and would call me fat and just a lot of really bad things that I don't like to talk about.
Well, I got out of that relationship and it's been about a year and a half almost 2 years since then but I'm still having a very hard time with guys.
Every guy I've met (since the ex that abused me) stops talking to me. I always seem to scare them off I think. And I think it's because I'm very scared of guys and I tend to overreact over things because of it.
Any time a guy I meet does something my ex used to do I get scared because I'm so afraid of being adused again and being in a bad relationship like that so I freak out.
Like for instance the last guy I tried to talk to, he wanted me to "open up to him" because he said I seemed so sad and he wanted to know why. So I let my gaurd down and I told him SOME of the things that happened. Well, after I told the guy he started acting different before he left my house and he didn't call me when he got home, but he said he'd text me in the morning, well it was about 11am and he didnt text or call so I started texting him telling him how stupid i was for opening up to him and how he's acting different and he got really mad at me saying he was sleeping and how he doesn't understand how he was acting different. Well, we were fighting almost all day but I said I was sorry and things SEEMED fine because I thought we worked it out. But then after that he stopped talking to me... I tired texting him but he never responded and when I saw him he acted like he didn't know me so I started to do the same.
My question is, how do I stop scaring good guys off just because of what one bad guy did to me? I don't like people thinking I'm crazy, I'm not I'm just very scared and push people away. But I do just want to be liked and I'd like to be in a good relationship and I feel like just because of that one bad one it's ruined my chances and I feel like I don't even know how to act anymore around people. The abusive guy was my first bf, and I did sleep with him and not really by choice (not sure if that matters.) It was just very bad and my self esteem got very low. Does anyone have any suggestions? (sorry this is so long...)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First: Don't let this guy who abused you in the past to continue to ruin your life. That's the worst thing you could to -- To subject to this, and allow yourself to be let down. Don't let ANYONE destroy you! You were strong enough to get out of that relationship, and you're strong enough to not your past hold you down. You've gotta have the strength to go forward. It's hard, but you've won the most difficult of the battle already -- Getting out of the abusive relationship. You can do this!
Remember that your ex is the only guy exactly like him, just like there's no one exactly like you. While these people may do similar things, that dosen't mean they'll end up like him. And you've got the knowledge now that, if something were to go wrong, you'd know how to get out of it. These guys are giving you chances, and as scary as it can be, you have to give them some chances too. Imagine it as if you're starting over, completely fresh again. It's like you're just beginning to date again. It's scary and uncertain, and you've gotta wait it out to see how things go. The guys you're pushing away could really turn out to be some of the best, with a little effort on both parts.
It's weird that the guy you "opened up" to stopped talking to you. It was a really odd reaction -- Perhaps he couldn't handle that kind of information? I'm really not sure. Just take my word that all guys aren't like that. It was actually a very good thing that you opened up and let him in like that, though it didn't SEEM to result well. Most guys would be happy that you told them what's been getting to you, and they'd be more than willing to help you out.
The guy who left/stopped talking probably just was intimidated, and didn't know how to be strong enough to help you, despite the fighting. Either that, or he was very impatient. If you find someone who will listen to you, realize the blessing in that. Be willing to talk. It's painful, but the more you let people know, they more forewarned they'll be if you seem to be acting strange.
If people understood your situation, they wouldn't be scared away at all. What happened to you wasn't your fault at all, and no one would hold it against you in any way. Just remember that for the next time you end up thinking about talking to someone about what happened.
Just start your relationships out slowly. It's good that you want a new relationship, but it's obviously going to take a little time to get used to again/confident once more. Start out with friendship. Talk to a guy you trust/might be intersted in about what happened, and see how he handles it. If he can talk to you and understands you well, you're at the point where you can have a normal relationship, because he'll know why you're acting certain ways. If he knows ahead of time, he'll be prepared and willing to help with anything that comes up. I'd recommend not to spring something like that up/not telling a guy at all while you're dating, because as scary as it is for you, it's intimidating for them, too.
Basically, you've gotta get your confidence up at least a little. It's basically going to take a lot of time, and I'm sure you know that. Just as long as you know not to give up. Start with little things -- Just simple friendships with guys, trusting in them, just DATES (instead of long term relationships, just in case they don't end well), which move into relationships, and etc.
It really sucks that a guy, especially your first boyfriend kind of ruined your perspective of relationships/guys. Know that there are some AMAZING people out there, and you've got to try to open up to them, or you could loose some really amazing chances. I'm sure you wouldn't want to allow your ex to rule your life any further now that you're away from him, so don't let him!
You can lead a normal life, and have wonderful relationshps. I promise, as long as you try! (:
XOXO
KAT.
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I was in a simular situation in my past relationships. It takes time to build confidence and to become comfortable again. Something tramatizing doesn't just go away overnight. Tell yourself that everything is going to be okay now and that you no longer need to be afraid. Try and build your confidence a little bit. An abusive relationship is like an injury it takes time to heal. If you feel like you need help healing then maybe you could try talking to a friend about how you feel and letting your guy friends know about how you feel and that you would like to take things slow.
Just relax, It will get better I promise.
-BahaiMa22
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Well, the guy should like you for you and if that guy told you to open up and you did, he shouldn't be acting different and weird like he is. He may not be the right one for you. They guy that is right for you will come along and understand everything you've been through and accept you for you are and the person that you are. Just be yourself and don't think you are scaring them away because it's just them being like that. It's them. Not you.
Hope this helps!
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Tere are special programs for sbuse women look in the yellow pages find a program and go to take lesson's for abuse, they are very helpfull and set you're mind straight, you're probably suffering from fear fobias,
HEALER
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For one thing, stop blaming yourself. Some people just get uncomfortable and don't know what to say with something like abuse, and that's not your fault.
Also, don't think that your ex ruined your chances at a good relationship. You emerged a stronger person because you did get yourself out of that situation. Try to remind yourself of that every time you get scared.
When the right person comes along, you'll know because he'll make you feel completely safe. :)
I hope this makes you feel better.
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