|
Monster Dad and Mom in Denial
16/f, I REALLY REALLY need help. I get along with everyone in the entire world except for my parents. They treat me well by giving me a nice home, clothing, other things, etc. but don't always consider my feelings. Ok, so I think my dad has some problems. He comes home from work every day cranky and moody. He takes out his anger and bad moods on my brother and mom as well, but most of all, he takes it out on me. It happens on almost a daily basis. I try to just walk away but I can't. My feelings and anger take over and I fight back. I feel like it's unfair for me to be treated this way by him. He's not nice to my friends either. Then there's my stupid, predictible mom. She sides with him over everything no matter what, all the time in any situation whatsoever. She agrees that he's moody and never does anything or says anything. She never protects me in any of these situations even when she knows I'm not being treated fairly. I talked to her about it once, and she's like, "I'm not getting involved in these stupid fights you have with him" When she knows for sure that I'm being the one attacked she stands there and doesn't say anything. But she totally contradicted that statement last night. What happened was, my dad was trying to figure out how to use his new camera and we were gonna watch a video on it and I told him to rewind it to the beginning and he said he didn't know how so I told him I would do it (all in a nice, pleasant tone) and the next thing you know he's screaming at me for bothering him. What's really, really funny is that when my dad was screaming at me, my mom looked at ME and yelled shut up. So that tells you something right there. She's so very much in denial about this and I can see through her like glass. Also, didn't she say two weeks ago that she's not getting involved in any fights? After the video thing I completely lost my temper and there was a huge fight. I know I shouldn't have done that but it's not fair!!!! The fact that my mom NEVER protects me hurts me more than anything. I've tried to talk to her about it countless times but nothing works. She's a brick wall. She's so unbelievably quick to yell at me but never at him. When I was in sixth grade I would get into fights with my dad a lot (on a much huger scale than now, though). My mom decided that I have problems and I need to go to therapy. So I did for a few years, which actually helped me get through a lot of other things in my life besides my family and then stopped because things were going ok. But now, of course my dad has issues and is my mom sending him to therapy? NO! She's not doing anything about it because she's in COMPLETE, UTTER, DENIAL. I even asked her if we could go back to the therapist and she said no, probably because she doesn't want to hear the truth. My parents; attitude toward it is, "I'm the father I can say whatever I want You're the child, your feelings don't matter. And they're like, if this continues, you'll be punished big time. It's not fair that I'm the scapegoat for my dad's actions. I try to walk away and ignore it but it hurts too much. I've disliked him since I was in fifth grade. If he just went to therapy things would be better. Do you really think it's fair that just because he's the "adult" and I'm the "child" he can treat me how ever he wants? It's not fair!!!!!!!!! I cry so much over this and I'm desperate for help. I don't know any dads like this and any moms who don't defend their own children. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I want to first say to you that I am so sorry that you are being yelled at and that you feel disrespected. I totally understand. I am going to tell you something - I have been there and done that, as the child and as the mother now!
Your father is verbally and mentally abusive. There is no reason for all of the yelling, regardless of his hard day at work, or life issues - home is supposed to be a safe haven, your place of serenity from a hard day of work or even something as simple as standing in a crowded grocery store line.
I have to say this also - you are still the child and your father is still the parent which means that you must respect him and stop yelling and fighting back. My expereince happened like this- my dad was abusive verbally and mentally for a long time, my mom did nothing. I didn't understand why she allowed him to talk to me this way and punish me for standing up to him since she wouldn't. I found other things to do to keep me away from home as much as possible. School events, hobbies, interest, volunteer work, church groups and outtings- positive things- now as a result of it, I felt empowered, stronger and thankful that I wasn't always around to be yelled at, or blamed for my dad's bad day at work or at church. (He was a pastor.) I later thought I was grown and got pregnant and had a child at 17 and I moved out of my parent's house.
If you have been to counseling, I am suggesting that you go again until you go off to college, so that you don't end up with a man like your dad. I did that too, which is why I said I have been the child and the mother. My son's father was an exact replica of my dad. I used to not say anything because I didn't want to get in the middle of it, nor did I want any conflict but, I reflected back to my mom and how I felt about her and at that point, I stood up for my son. I divorced him, placed my son in therapy and went to therapy myself!
I know you said you have tried talking before but why not try it again? Try talking to both of them, suggest family counseling. If the yelling, arguing, and dysfunctionality continues, seek help of a close family member who is willing to step in and step up.
Ask if you can live with a responsible family member. In the meantime, keep you together and watch your temper. Focus on bettering yourself and preparing for college so that you can get out of there! For now, try your best to work it out or develop distance (only to improve and motivate yourself), not distance to be nasty - and upon your decision, let them know what you are doing and what your plans are. Communication is key for building, without it, there is no foundation to build upon!
Feel Better dear heart and I am praying for you..Prayer works and conquers all! You may think you can't, but we have a God who can!
Sophia_pettus@yahoo.com
]
He needs to find something to take joy in in his life outside the house.
His life is centered around providing for you guys. His life has few parts left to it that belong to him, more than likely. This lack of control causes anger at oneself and the world and a desire to dominate some aspect of your life.
He needs an outlet. Something physical would be great.
Hmm.
A random suggestion. Aikido.
Its a martial art based entirely in defense and thus mostly devoid of agression. Its fun, it would make him feel like a badass, it would be an outlet for agression thats safe.
As to the rest, I don't know. Communicating with parents so steeped in denial... I've been trying to figure out how to do that myself for about 8 or 9 years now.
You see, the underlying problem to all of this, is your parents can't change, and times always do. As you grow older, you become more sure of your position and more set in your ways. But the world never stops.
Self awareness AND the will to not completely eschew change is the only way to combat this, and your parents are in unbearably short supply. How to grant them any of that, I havent a clue.
]
So it seems like your parents don't listen when you talk to them, So talking to them isn't going to work. See if you can maybe get some one on time with each of them away from the other and have a good day. Then after that you can try having like a "family meeting" and talk about it. If I doesn't work then all I can really say is when they are yelling at you dont even say anything unless, they ask a question and tell them what they want to hear. Thats what I do and it blows over twice as fast for me. Dont talk back or argue and bicker. Just let them get it out and help them feel better. Try not to let any of it bother you too much after that. With your mom not standing up for you, It sounds like she may be dealing with some more propblms and she doesn't want to hurt her marriage. Just give her some time and dont bring her into yours and your dads fights. Thoose fights are between you and him. It would honesly just be easier to let him finish yelling and then just walk away and forget about it. you aren't going to change their opinion no matter what you say to them. So save yourself the stress and walk away. Don let it get you down. Its unfair but it doesn't seem like they'll chage anytime soon. Just do what they ask. In my fammily its also helpful to have family time and to spend time together. So maybe try those things. Sorry i worte so much but I hope I helped.
]
This is a hard problem
especially on you
i know you have tried to talk to them about it but i would say try getting them together and sitting down and just go over whats really bothering you. Dont say everything just a main point. Dont act angry or upset just say it in a tone and look straight at them. If your dad begins to shout etc then just let him boil down. Dont fight back. No matter how much you want to. If he doesn't calm down, slowly ask him to please calm down. Dont cry. Dont shout. just try your best to calm him. Ask your mom to help. Look her straight in the eye and ask nicely to help.
If not why dont talk to a close friend or someone you trust about the problems, i know they would be no therpy but maybe talking about it could help.
Hope you have some luck dear
xxx
]
More Questions: |