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Making him happy. (Sorry kinda long.)
I will have been with my boyfriend for 3 years come early July. I love him a lot and he claims to feel the same. Things in his life have been pretty rough lately, so sometimes he's depressed.
I have begun to notice that the only time he is happy, smiling, or laughing is when he is with his friends. I can't even remember the last time he was happy to be just with me. This really concerns me, as I feel it's kinda important to make him happy since I'm his girlfriend.
I'm always wondering if he would just be happy with someone else and if I should move on. I don't want to lose him, but I love him enough to let him go if I can't make him happy like he needs to be.
I know that I need to talk to him and I'm the only one that can fix this, but I need help on what to say. I need help understanding why he does the things he does. A guy's perspective would be really helpful right now.
These are just some of the strange things he's been doing lately:
-Earlier this week we went out with a big group of friends. He ignored me the entire time. He didn't hold my hand, put his arm around me, or even speak to me. He didn't even offer to pay for me (which is unusual for him). He was occupied with his friend and this girl the whole time. I confronted him about it and he said he just didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. (So apparently he doesn't care if I'm uncomfortable?)
-He turned 21 in January, but he never drinks. Never. But today his friend asked him to go to the bar with him, so he broke plans with me to go hang out with his friend. He had a good reason to go spend time with his friend (he's moving out of state), but he didn't invite me to hang out afterward. Not to mention the fact that he never goes to bars (his friend likes bars, but they have never gone together). Why would he want to hang out there all of a sudden?
-If he ever comes over to spend the night with me after an evening of hanging out, he just wants to go right to bed. But if I give the slightest hint that I want to have sex, all of a sudden he's awake. This makes me feel like the only quality time he wants to spend with me alone is if we're having sex. I'm thinking about stopping the sex altogether until things get better.
I'm just at a loss of how to fix this. Normally, if these things happened individually, I wouldn't give this stuff a second thought. But since it's all happen within a few days of each other, it's really starting to get to me. Suggestions?
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I don't know if this will help or not but before i married my wife of 10 years i did her the same way. I think so because i knew that i had found the right girl for me but i still wanted to run around with my friends and see what was availible. i guess i wanted to see if she really wanted me that bad, in some ways even tried to run her off just to see if she would hang around or come back. i knew that i wanted to marry her and be with her but i was torn between being young and dumb and having fun and settling down. Just because he is even remotely interested in someone else does not mean that you are not what he wants in the end or the long haul. i know it doesn't seem fair but you almost have to forget about him and let him go and when you do he will get tired of the running around and come back. i think i didn't want her around that much is because i didn't know how she would react to me putting her on hold, but that is what kept me, the fact that no matter what i did, she was there for me and still here now. i never wanted to cheat, i just wanted to spread my wings and have my cake and eat it too. i find that this happens alot with men before they settle down with one, kinda like cold feet. i also find the women seem to do this after 7 years of marriage or after having a baby. women want to spread their wings and get out. This is a stage he is in and you will not be able to change him, he will have to grow out of it and if you really love him and want to be with him you will have to go with the flow. On the other hand years later after the marriage you will want to do the same and he will have to go with the flow if he really loves you. I really think age and maturity has alot to do with it. hope this helps...
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Hello,
Sorry to hear of your troubles. Nagging or confronting him about what's going on with him will only make him run to his friends or worse, the other girl.
From what you describe, he enjoys spending his time with other people and not the time he spends with you. He was not holding your hand and being your boyfriend to seem available to the other girl. That is not uncommon of men who are on the search or on the move.
From your question it sounds to me as if he has already spent time alone with this girl and is probably not happy with you anymore.
To keep a man from wondering off you need to make him feel needed and wanted and happy. Happy men do not start acting funny. Only unhappy men start acting differently when they become unhappy.
Immediately get a book called the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Read it and apply it to your relationship. The most important thing is that you are honest about how you feel. Honest with yourself and everyone around you.
Good Luck!
-- Stay Honest
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I really do think that you are overreacting with these things. Him paying more attention to other people around him in a group really isn't weird. It can be uncomfortable, but it's probably him trying, and failing, to get the balance right between talking to his girlfriend and his friends (and failing). It may be strange for him to a bar with his friend (and rude to cancel plans), but the fact that the friend is moving is probably the reason. And if he's tired after an evening out, sex being the thing that wakes him up from that isn't even that unusual.
On the other hand, if you are genuinely getting the vibe that your boyfriend isn't happy with you, it's pretty important that you talk about it. Tell him that you might be being paranoid, but you are worried that he doesn't seem to be that happy when he is with you. I'm not sure that any of these could be use individually as examples on their own, but you may, for example, say something to the effect of "I like having sex, but lately I feel distant from you, and want to talk more." You should ask if he needs some space, if he is in an awkward mood for whatever reason, or if you are imagining something that isn't there. Ask (in a non-nagging way) if anything is bugging him. Really, we don't know your boyfriend, so the best thing to do is talk to him about this as honestly as possible, even if you're not sure of what to say. You may want to approach the him feeling/ acting depressed as well, because there might be something that he is genuinely stressing about that has nothing to do with you.
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he is treating you like crap right now i will say first of all. secondly, you need to decide what you want before you talk to him. whether you wasted three years or not. this is something to be upset about, he is going thru a rough time yes, but do you want to be there for him or not? and thirdly, if this is all going on you shouldn't be having sex, it isn't fair to you dear at all. so talk to him first let him know how you've been feeling.
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