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She still loves me, I've moved on
This will be a long question; apologies, but it's complicated.
Background: I once fell head over heels for a girl (call her "Jane"). She and I were friends, but I lacked the courage to try for more. Right before she moved away, I realized it was my last chance to make a move, so I kissed her goodbye. Later, through letters and phone calls, I told her I was in love with her, and she said she felt the same - though I was never really convinced that she felt as strongly as I did. Eventually, she told me she was involved with someone else, and I broke off contact in order to get over her and move on. We had sporadic communication for a while, then finally lost touch completely.
Fast-forward 15 years. I'm thirtysomething, happily married, have kids, but I've never really forgotten Jane (do we ever forget our first love?) Just for kicks, I entered her name into Google, and to my surprise I actually found her. We exchanged e-mail, and then she called me.
Here's where it starts to get complicated, because I expected we would just say "Hey, it's really great to hear from you again, we should stay in touch, blah blah blah," exchange abbreviated versions of our lives so far, and then more or less go back to what we were doing. What I never expected in a million years was that she's actually been thinking about me all this time, that she's still in love with me, and that (to be brutally honest) I've still got strong feelings for her.
I LOVE MY WIFE. I would never leave her, or jeopardize my marriage. I recognize that whatever feelings I have for Jane, they're based on an idealized version of someone I put on a pedestal twenty years ago, and haven't seen since. My question is NOT about whether I should explore an intimate relationship with Jane at this point - the answer to that is "No."
What I need is advice on how to handle this from here. Jane does mean a lot to me and I want to be a friend to her (real friends, not "we can just be friends"), but I don't want to break her heart. Furthermore, I don't want my wife to get the wrong idea (she knows that I got back in touch with Jane - I don't keep secrets from her). No matter how I slice it, I don't see this turning out well. If I had ever considered that Jane might still feel so strongly about me, I would not have resumed contact with her, but what's done is done. Heck, I never really thought she was EVER truly in love with me, let alone that she still is!
In a nutshell -
- I want to avoid breaking Jane's heart.
- I want to stay in touch with her, because she's someone I care about.
- I want to assure my wife that she is still, and always, the real love of my life and more important than anything to me.
Can anyone help me?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
How would you like it if your wife googled her long lost love and was being careful not to break his heart and be his true friend. Do guys really want to be true friends with women? NOPE. Do you want your wife to have a true friend guy out there still in love after 20 yrs? This "still in love after 20 yrs. bit is nothing but a corny, immature love story played out in the Notebook. You owe Jane nothing more than what you have done for her the last 15 yrs.
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Some of us are hard wired to live in the past and wonder what could have been. I was just googling someone in my past and can easily reach him but wont. Whatever he meant to me was not enough to make a go of it. I just find myself googling other people in my past. You don't owe Jane any heartache protection. You haven't been there for her in 15 yrs, I am sure she has grown up emotionally enough to clear up this mess you dragged her into. Let her go, she probably has moved on, or will. If you do love your wife and kids, nurture and protect that. Move on. Don;t contact Jane ever again. Avoid this mess.
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I agree that realistically, the best way to handle this is to, once again, cut off that contact with her.
Either way you shake the dice, her heart will be broken. No avoiding that. Either by saying "Goodbye, live long and prosper" or by saying, "No matter what your feelings are, I have a WIFE and CHILDREN, and your feelings towards me won't change my happy life."
But think about it- Surely she was aware that you are married with children when she confessed her great love for you. Honestly, how is that respectful to you and your family? How is that even the slightest bit considerate?
If you decide you want to stay in contact with her and be friends, I highly suggest you tell your wife everything that you have told us and ask her what her thoughts are. I mean, you've been honest with her about everything else.
Honestly, being a married woman, if my husband where in your situation and brought all of this stuff to my attention, that would assure me plenty how much he loves me, considering my opinion on it matters to him that much.
That doesn't mean I would say "Oh, yah, just go ahead and keep being buddies with her." I don't really know what I would say about something like this. But really, when it comes right down to it, your wife is far more important that Jane's feelings, and also this friendship.
Keep in mind that though you don't plan to ever go further than just a friendship with Jane, you don't know what the future holds. What happens if you decide to one day place her back up on that twenty year old pedestal? It is possible, considering you still harbor feelings for her.
Is this friendship really worth it? Maybe it is. Maybe it will just turn out to be an innocent friendship. Maybe, yes, Jane can overcome her feelings and handle it being just a friendship. I don't honestly know.
That's why I strongly suggest talking all this over with your wife and heed her advice. This is something that is important to her, too.
ygs-29/f
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Break Jane's heart, and do it now. Cut off contact.
I know, that sounds cruel and it is exactly what you don't want to do, but it needs to happen. You had the sense once to walk away from her out of respect to the fact that your 'friendship' with her was too emotionally charged for you two to truly just be friends.
Remember that strength and recall that decision. It was a wise one. It was easier to make because you weren't the one with the relationship, but what was wise then, would be wise now.
If she were equally mature and considerate, she would realize that her strong feelings for you are now charging your friendship with too much emotion for her to be 'just friends'.
If she isn't aware enough, or mature enough to recognize that, you'll need to do it for her.
Express to her in no uncertain terms that you have moved on, and although you would like to speak to her occasionally, her confession about her continuing feelings have made it clear to you that a friendship would be difficult and uncomfortable for everyone, perhaps even impossible.
Because that IS what you think, isn't it? When you say that you would never have contacted her if you knew about her feelings, and that you can only see this ending badly, that is what I hear. I hear someone who doesn't want to be the bad guy, but knows that someone needs to call an end to this.
Swallow your pride and your (no offence meant, but slightly selfish) desire not to hurt her feelings. You are only doing Jane a favor by releasing her from her fantasy and behaving in a mature and emotionally responsible way. But you are not responsible for her choices or feelings. You can only hope that she will do the same.
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i just dont know if it's a good idea to stay in touch with jane... you care about her yeah but she cares about you supposedly in a different way... i know that if i was married and my husband started talking to the girl that was his first love i would not be okay with it... even if there are no feelings there... i still wouldnt be okay with it... shes in the past and your wife is your future... so honestly... i think its just best to leave her out of your life because you said yourself youve thought about her and have feelings for her... you dont want anything to come in the way of your marriage and she very well might even though you say she wont now..you dont know what will happen... but yeah just speaking from a wife's perspective, i would not be okay with it
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I'm here to help you, don't worry.
Look the way i see it is Jane broke your heart; she told you she found someone else when you wanted to be with her. Now she wants you back, well that's just too bad. Nomatter how she feels you have a life now and your married so she has no choice but to accept it. When you talk to her next, just explain nicely to her about all the stuff i'm giving you advice on now. You have to tell her how you feel and she may take it the wrong way but there is nothing you can do. I'm a girl myself, and i've did that to someone before. I told them i was still in love with them but i truly wasn't. I don't believe she still loves you, if she loved you she would of took the chance she had along time ago. Hope i helped.
PK
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