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Roommate Struggles, self injury
It's my freshman year of university and I picked a random roommate because I don't know anyone else at the school. I like her and we get along great, but we're not best friends or anything and we rarely hang out outside of our room. Anyway, my friend and I decided we would like to room together next year, because we are a lot a like in our schedules and we get along really well and have a lot of fun together. This is great except that recently she's been having some tough times and she's started to self-injure. She calls me sometimes late at night crying because her roommate isn't back and she's all alone. I've had her call her family and she's getting therapy, but I want to know if this will make things harder to be roommates next year. She seems to be sort of relying on me at the moment and I don't know if she's doing SI because she doesn't feel cared for in her room or if it will continue on next year. Ummm..any advice?
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YES!
Yes, this will make it harder. Much harder.
If she is already leaning on you and depending on you to a degree that you find uncomfortable, you are headed for trouble.
It will continue next year. Even if she is feeling better, there is always the risk of relapse with these things, and the pattern of behavior between you two (she calls you crying, you try to fix things for her) has already been set. Don't expect that dance to change.
You are taking a risk moving in with her and I think you know it. It takes a great deal of self-possession and maturity to live with someone who is struggling with mental illness. You need to be able to be supportive and safe, but at the same time manage your own life and not let their insecurities interfere or dictate what happens.
Consider what it will be like to come home to a roommate who *needs* you. To come home to a place that might not be the relaxing sanctuary you wish for. To come home and have to work on her behalf.
I’m not saying don’t move in with her, but recognize what is going on and be very honest with yourself about how much you have to give to this person. You are a student too. Your emotional strength is already taking a hit.
If you have serious misgivings about moving in with this girl, listen to them. Perhaps you can arrange to be on the same floor or building, but not share a unit. Or maybe a larger unit where there would be more people around to affect the dynamic.
You’ve got some tough choices ahead, but you’ll have a much tougher time if you aren’t honest about how much of yourself you are able to give to her.
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Hi. I think there's two ways you can actually look at this situation. The first is that if you were to move in with her next year she may have that support she needs (since you were the one she called I would assume she feels you can offer her some degree of support and help as well as trust) to be able to stop self harming because she will have her friend there with her. On the other hand it could also develop into a heavy burden in a way that she may want you there and with her all the time (or expect you to be there with her all the time) as well as the whole situation with her interrupting your studies. So there's really two ways to see it and it could go either way to be honest but I think the best thing to do is try talk to her and ask her how the therapy is going and maybe even ask her why she does it. From that, grouped with how well her therapy is going, you may be able to decide for yourself if moving in with her would be a wise choice or not. If you feel she could deal with it, it may even be worthwhile talking to her about it as well. Clearly your studies are important but so is your friend so it may come down to sitting her down and talking to her about it all and seeing what you both want to do and if it's a wise thing for you both to room together - it may solve problems for her (if she does feel alone and such where she is at the mloment) but it could create more problems when you just want time to yourself or to be alone - or even to go out on your own.
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