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damn strip clubs and double standards!
I've been seeing this guy mark for quite a while and i really like him. I'm 18 and he's 21. But I hate the fact that he goes to strip clubs! I think its completely disgusting and degrading towards women! No one would like their man getting a lap dance from a naked girl and feeling all up on her! Not to mention their completely nasty sluts! I dont think it's worth the 10 bucks at all for that and especially if he has a good women that can do the same damn thing for free! It's a complete insult to me and it's a slap in the face...like im not good enough to get him turned on that he has to go waste his money and watch nasty whores dance! He keeps talking serious with me and saying he wants to be with me and wants me to move some of my stuff into his place! But I don't think I can be in a serious relationship with someone that goes to strip clubs! I already knew he did that when I first met him, but I didn't care because I wasnt looking for a relationship and I was seeing other guys and keeping my options open. But now that it's getting serious and he's talking about offically being a couple, I don't want him to go there. And I know some of you are going to tell me that I should tell him how I feel and that I don't want him to go...But he already knows how I feel about strip clubs....he always tells me I look better than half the girls in there...but if thats so, than why the hell does he even go? He acts like im over reacting and like it's not a big deal. "Its not like Im taking them home with me" he says or "Its just like watching a porno!" And it doesn't help that Im not old enough to go in there and see what it's like and see exactly how bad it is. Also...I dont want to tell him to give it up because I dont want to be that controlling! His friends will make him feel stupid for not going with them anymore and act like Im being ridiculous and controlling him too much and that he needs to do his own thing. Then he will lie and go! I feel really strong about strip clubs and I don't like double standards. I hate how guys can do so much more that girls and get away with it!! I have half a mind to go to a party, pick out the hottest ones with the biggest dicks and have them all give me a lap dance at once and video tape it for him and be like "yeah...i didnt even have to pay for that amazing show" I bet I would get labeled all sorts of names but I think it's completely FAIR. But my point is, he would definitly not like me doing that, just like I dont like him watching girls strip. Im not going to be some peice of ass for him to go screw after watching a bunch of other women! If he can think of other women sexually than I can think of other men sexually! That's how I see it...anyone agree or have a simular issue?...Let me know!
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Notice that a man wrote an answer stating that not only is a man allowed to do whatever he wants, but that it's your fault for not being confident enough. I'm with you (here six years later!), if it's so harmless to just unwind by getting some stranger to grind against you, then you don't mind if I go to the clubs without you to get completely raunchy against all kinds of greasy boners, right? Nothing disrespectful there, of course not! Toodles, dear husband, don't wait up for me tonight.
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::Edit::
In response to your return comment.
Im sure that every guy tells you you are the best. When a girl tries as hard as you seem to (judging by the highly defensive nature of your response) guys just naturally kind of give you as much credit as you need to feel good about the situation. Im sure you do turn him on. That being said, refer to the REST of my answer.
You lack confidence in yourself. Confidence is not based on believing what someone else told you. Confidence is based on intrinsically knowing your own value.
Your issue with him, your jealousy, everything else, he doesnt have to deal with that from a stripper. Thats a big part of why he defends it and keeps going back. Hes attracted to the fact that the stripper isnt worried or upset about whether or not she is enough for him.
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Im sure its easier for you to label them "degraded nasty sluts/whores"
Strippers do suffer some degredation, but its kinda because people like you.
Im going to preface with this. You and he are not compatible. You feel like you should be enough for him in every area.
Do you want to know why strippers are so desirable?
Confidence.
Thats it. Confidence.
I love my girlfriend. And no, I dont go to strip clubs. Ive been a few times, Ive enjoyed myself each time. Our sex life is wonderful. That being said, she is not confident in herself enough (and honestly, the fact that she has no experience hurts in that dept) to give me a lapdance.
Strip club dancers know that they are attractive. They are confident in their own appearance, even when naked in front of a group of guys. Do you have any idea how hard it generally is for ANYONE to feel comfortable enough to dance on a strangers lap and know you turn them on?
Its that quality that makes them attractive. Some guys dont even realize it, but thats what draws them there.
Also, if you arent old enough to get in, then hes going to a 21 and up club. That means that its topless only (no full nudity) and probably at least a slightly higher quality establishment. 18 and up strip clubs are generally a bit lower on the classy scale and are fully nude clubs.
And yeah, its fair for you to have your own thoughts, just like its fair for him to have his own. Most guys are GOING to be attracted to other girls. You do not have the right as his girlfriend to be the only person he thinks about in a sexual manner. With most guys, its not going to happen.
I am in a 2+ year relationship. There are girls in my life other than my girlfriend whom I would like to sleep with. Im not going to act on it, but the desire is there. There are guys in my girlfriend's life that she is attracted to and would like to sleep with. She isnt going to act on it either. We have alot of trust, and in that way we are compatible. We are both able to realize that desire for others is natural and doesnt make us disloyal.
You do not have complete trust and with him you are not compatible. You happen to be dating a guy who is turned on by pornstars, and strip clubs are about as close as he can get. You dont provide that for him, apparently. Judging by what you've written here you are probably at least somewhat uptight sexually and that translates over into comfort and personality in bed. I would imagine you probably very much enjoy sweet, kissing kind of sex.
As to whether he would be jealous or not, theres no telling. Unless you put him in that situation he probably doesnt even really know if he would be or not.
Just remember, hes not going in there because the girls in there are hotter than you in physical appearance. Hes going in there because the girls in there are experienced in using their physical charms and the way they act to turn men on. Its a kind of attitude in them that isnt often experienced outside of that kind of environment.
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Here's the dealio yo.
I used to date a DJ at a stripclub, and even though they have great bodies, whatever, they're entertainers. That's prob how your guy and his friends feel. If your guy were going there all by himself, then I would have quite a nasty problem with that! If he is going with a bunch of single friends, then it's just a guys night out, and it doesn't mean anything. I've been to stripclubs, and they're not as HOTT as people image them to be. It's a show that you drink at basically, yes you can get a lap dance.
Just to give you an option, there are a lot of men out there that DON'T go to stripclubs and wouldn't be caught dead in one. If it's SO hard for him to let go of these strip clubs and he can't find another bar to hang out in, then maybe you should find a little classier of a guy. It's your life, you decide if you can put up with your guy going to those types of places.
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Alright babe. Take a deep breath.
Few issues here right:
1.) 'Nasty sluts' is neither true nor fair. This is a good trick for dealing with women for the rest of your life: Assume the best of them until they individually and personally prove you wrong. Frankly, hating all strippers or sex trade workers is no better then hating all Mexicans in my opinion. It shows an immaturity and want of tolerance that is unattractive in any person... Assume they are trying to make their way through school. Assume they are trying to support their young children. Few women want to strip. It sounds dumb I know, because it's not what you want on advice on. But I guarantee you, if you can develop some empathy for other women, ALL other women, you'll feel a bit better.
2.) His going to strip clubs has absolutely nothing to do with you. Notta. Zip. Ziltch. I think you already know this. I bet he has told you. He could be dating Aphrodite the Goddess of Love and he'd probably still want to hit the strip club from time to time.
4.) Men who cheat, cheat. Men who don't, don't. Women don't steal men away, men leave. More guys cheat each year with thier girlfriend's friends or with co-workers then with strippers. If you can trust your boyfriend with other women, you can trust him with strippers.
4.) If you have decided that giving him an ultimatum is not what you want and that you are not going to insist he not go then the only one with a problem here is YOU.
Who says it's not okay for you to get three free lap dances? Where is that written? Sure people will talk (hmmm, come to think of it they might call you a 'nasty slut' mightn they?) and they might think bad things of you. In fact they might think the same bad things of you that you currently think of your boyfriend!
For example: 'h my goodness. She must not be able to get a boyfriend!'
Or 'Shit, her boyfriend must be lousy/ugly/frigid if she needs to go out and do that!'
Them thinking that wouldn't make it true! You'd still love your guy! You'd still go home to him. You'd still probably find him more attractive then most of the guys there.
Yeah, he might get mad, which would make him a hypocrite.
However, going out and doing that not because you'd find it fun but simply to spite him would make you a malicious bitch not a warrior for equal rights, and that isn't right either.
So here is your choices as I see them:
You can tell him not to go, and be controlling and silly. (As you have said he will likely lie and then go anyways. Many happy relationships are maintained on such 'Don't ask. Don't tell' principals.)
You can change the way you are thinking of it and try to get over your negative feelings and hopefully discover you are dating a loving and respectful guy who just likes to hang out at strip clubs with his friends from time to time.
Or you can dump his hypocritical and strip-club-going ass and find someone who shares this particular value with you.
All of this shit, and I call it shit because it's useless, judgmental, insecure and some of it deeply irrational and self destructive, is going on in your brain! This is great, because that is the one thing in this relationship you can control completely!
However, if this really is a solid value for you, if you really can't simply accept that some loyal husbands, fathers, brothers and boyfriends occasion houses of ill repute, then you need to go find someone who doesn't.
Hopefully, when you are of age, you can go to one and realize it is mostly harmless ($10 cover? I promise you the one he going to is harmless, and probably has generally unattractive women.) Just keep your mind open and your heart respectful and tolerant.
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Is this guy really that important to you? He knows you have a problem with him going to strip clubs, but he tries to rationalize his decisions and goes anyways. You should tell him that you're not ready to move in with him and be a real couple until he can compromise parts of his life that you're not pleased with. Because that's what relationships are all about: compromise. If he's not willing to do that, then wait until he is before you take the relationship any further. He needs to want to make you happy if your relationship is going to work. Even if you are happy with him now, a guy that doesn't see a problem with a naked girl giving him a lap dance may evolve into a guy who doesn't have a problem sleeping with someone who isn't his girlfriend.
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