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the arab: continued
ok so basically i am arab female. some of the stereotypes of not being as "liberated" as the women of the west do apply to this question and my circumstances:
well i am not supposed to have a boyfriend ...etc. its in my culture. and i never did! and i am totally fine with that.....but i lied...... i told my new "friends" when i moved towns that i did just to fit in and not seem like a weirdo (since i moved countries) .... it made me look wiser and more experienced... and well... liked.....thing is i regret lying about that and i don't know what to do.
if i tell my friends they'll be in shock coz they trusted me. i'll look like a stupid fraud (i know i know... who cares what people say).... and if i didn't somehow i know it'll get to my mother and father. if i tell them first no education -period- for me.
aside from those lies i hung out with a crowd that in my home country would be considered bad and unacceptable... oh and it included guys....now if i dealt with them in a different way i could have still saved the friendship... but since i kind of ignored the "rules" and bent them a bit ... well i sorta regret the image i created for myself... if my mom and dad find out i am gunna look like (in their eyes) a slut who accepts anything, a lier, irresponsible, careless, stupid, and not raised well..... a disappointment....
before anything though, i must say that really i feel guilty SOOO much that i am planning on leaving my life long dream in a philosophy major (since that is where that bad influence according to mom and dad is coming from) and am willing to reconstruct my image.... it hurts so much to leave the major but i guess i deserve this.... i should have seen it coming....
the problem is my brother and sisters know about this (i don't know how much they know or how...) and they don't believe a word i say anymore because of all the lies (i brought this onto my self i deserve this ) so my brother is sacrificing a great chance in building his career to come and live with me and sister so that to ensure i don't cause myself a destruction of my future and get us all sent back without a n edu (i feel like crap)....
my question: how can i keep my friends but restore all the limits and values i had eliminated, one? and prevent them from saying anything (they won't intentionally... but thinking as it is normal to them its normal to mention me and stuff and i am afraid within the community it;ll get to my family...) and two how can i prove myself to my family and fix what i can from the damage.... i really screwed up. and pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee don't tell me talk to my mum and dad it will not work,wher i come from talking to higher figures of authority is not conceivable..... and with my sibs they totally understand what i have to say but again its not enough to show them that i understand what i did..... i really want things to go back to normal... how do i get things back!!
i am doomed right??? :S :S :S :S :S :S
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I understand the system in which you work.
It is natural to human nature to lie in situations of extreme discomfort to make ourselves fit in more. Especially when ending up in a new place. At least, thats how it kinda works here.
Ill compartmentalize my advice.
:::Friends:::
Tell them. Explain that you were severely uncomfortable, you come from a culture where you arent even allowed to hang out and be "friends" with guys.
I can understand this. I have a friend named Uzi. Uzi is Pakistani (I think I spelled that right). He was raised in relative affluence, but still within the limits of his culture. He never drank, had not ever been on a date, was a virgin, was basically a decently behaved little boy.
Now, he has a girlfriend here and is trying to figure out how to tell his parents who send him bi-weekly e-mails asking if he thinks hes ready for them to arrange him a marriage. Hes decided not to be arranged, but something like that will be very unacceptable back home.
He has told us alot of tall tales himself. We were understanding when it came out that he hadnt done half the things he claimed. He was 18, in a new culture, and wanted desperately to fit in.
Just tell them that you are sorry, you didnt want to stand out, and ask for forgiveness. They will respect you for having the courage to tell them. Anyone who would not forgive something like that (in American culture) would be considered to have poor character.
:::More questions:::
- Your brother is moving to come live with you and giving up a career because he found out and wants to keep an eye on you? Whats going on with that? Is he going on your parents instructions or is he trying to protect you from them?
-Do not tell your parents. Ask your friends to not mention it to anyone and pretend like you had never done so. Your friends once again should be fully understanding.
Another question is your living situation. Describe it to me. Are you living on a college campus in a different country than your parents? Did your parents move too? Who do you live with? Where is your brother moving from?
Im asking these specifically because it seems to me that you are probably in a completely different country than your parents, and so if you dont tell anyone they shouldnt find out.
Then again, it seems you are with a group who knows siblings who are also living near you, and you and your siblings all interact with a group of people together.
If you want to, send me a private question with some answers and more details, and we can continue this. More detail will mean better advice.
For now, think about telling your friends the truth, and explaining why. Most people will empathize with your situation and be very understanding. Along with that understanding would be a willingness to not tell anyone. Dont tell or admit to anyone else.
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You're not doomed and you need to calm down.
For your friends, if they ask about the "boyfriend" tell them you broke up and you don't want to talk about it. Fix what you can and move on from what you can't fix.
Don't try to punish yourself. You have done nothing terrible enough to deserve leaving your dream behind. If you are unhappy you will possibly revert to your old behaviors. Move on, that's all. Tell your brother and sisters that you are sorry about the lies you told, that you were trying to fit in but you realize what a mistake it was and you will not do it again. Your brother most certainly does not need to move in with you, do your best to make sure he doesn't. Tell him your sister will let him know if you do anything wrong. Now just change your behavior. Tell yourself that it won't happen again. Focus on school and your dream, prove to your parents that your major is not the problem. Many people go through a phase like yours and come out of it fine.
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You are not doomed. You might feel that way right now, but you aren't doomed.
You made some mistakes. Not even, from the sounds of it, life-altering, doomed mistakes. You aren't pregnant or addicted to heroine. Your mind is perfectly sound and you want to live in accordance with your beliefs. You are doing just fine.
Your mistakes were all made out of confusion and the conflict between who you are or were, and the new place you found yourself in.
I think the most important thing for you to realize is that you might not be able to maintain all of your friendships when you choose to live by different values. This happens to a lot of people your age, not just people with religious influences on their lives. They change the way they were choosing to behave, they reexamine and decide that their values are different from some of those around them.
You can admit your lies to your friends, or not. I don't think it's terribly important either way. What is important is that you make it clear to them how you are now going to behave, and that they can either respect that, or keep their distance.
Know that some of them are going to keep their distance, and that is probably a good thing.
The best thing you can do it take a very deep breath and calm down a bit. Things CAN go back to normal, but it will likely take a few months. Chances are, other young people in your family (perhaps even your parents, or aunts, uncles or cousins) went through a phase much like yours at your age! Of course they would never admit it, but the truth is people experiment with who they are, they explore, they make mistakes. It might seem like your parents will never get over this, but they likely will and have had too get over similar things before.
Stop dwelling on the past and your self hate. It's not productive. Cut yourself some slack and just make the changes you want to make. If you start living in accordance with your values you will feel better, and your brother, and slowly your parents will realize you are doing alright and things will slowly shift back to the way they were before.
Do NOT leave your major. Your parents are mistaken about it being the negative influence. Prove that too them by remaining in your major and correcting your behavior at the same time. Talk to them if you can, or at least to your sister and brother about the steps you are taking and the way you plan on living in accordance with your values. But some things are worth fighting for. If you can't see that, well then you ARE doomed. Because you'll never find any happiness that way.
Fighting for friends that can't respect your values and can't forgive your mistakes: Not worth it.
Fighting a family that is disappointed with you: Unnecessary. With a few months of perfect behavior, a humble attitude, and a real effort to change, they will come around.
Fighting for your life long dream: You damn well better. No one else is going to help you with that one.
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haha,You arent doomed.
Im muslim and also i hate taht whole liberated thing but what can we do,People have their opinion on things and realy dont care what "we" think us being the ones who are supposedly "not liberated" i think we should be able to say if we are or arnet.. but on to the important issues. Ok as an arab i completely understand your parents not understanding and i know talking doesnt work,ive seen so much things like this and there was a point where I myself was also the "Disappoinment" But this is how your gona save yourself.
First of all.Go to your friends and explain this to them.Say you had somethin on your mind that you cant get out of your head.And that you cannot stand lieing to them.Say "Look i never had any boyfriend,I said taht cuz im new and i kind of didnt kno what exctly to say i thought if i said i did you guys wud accpet me more,But i noticed you guys wouldnt accept me do to if i had a boyfriend or not because friendships arent based on the past relationships one had, But its all about the personality,Im realy sorry for lieng to you guys but i assure you this is like seriously the last time to lie cause i cudnt even stand lieing now! i was dieing inside and i had to let it out!"
Your parents.its easy change.Pray more,read quran you need to talk alot about feeling this change in you,and realy feel the change if you want to change you need to Ask God for the change,SO you need to say that your feeling this change randomly suggest doin these arab things,Get closer to your mom.Say that you just want to talk.DO NOt keep things from her.Or atleast let her think you dont.Once in awhile tell her a secret.Shell feel like the special parent and youl have atleast a backbone from the parent side.And dads are way over protective so you need to be able to make him trust you more.STop bending the rules for now atleast and show that you grown up.If you realy do feel guilty then you will do anything to make this better.
Your family will see this change in time but on another note.Donot let yuor brother reuin his dreams thats not good,Just because of a mistake you did PEOPLE NEEED to make mistakes your human and if they dont understand that and wont listen then your gona need to scream it out THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO MAKE MISTAKES TO LEARN! AND YOU LEARNED!!...You can take care of yourself if your able to beg for help then youll be able to take the advice givin.
Just please tell me how it goes ok.
Take care!!
Bye
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