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New Relationship Affected by Past One
I will try to sum this up as best I can. I have been single over a year now after having been with my ex, John for 6 years. I am 21, so as you can see, he was my only REAL relationship. It wasn't a very healthy one, & I have now been seeing someone new for about 2 weeks. Already I can see the damage from my past relationship affecting the way I interact w/ Wes (the new guy). The first example was when we were hanging out & he was being kind of sarcastic with me and then suddenly asked me for a backrub. The current circumstances & the way he said it made me have an actual flashback of my ex, who would constantly ask me for backrubs even after being a jerk to me, & then guilt trip me when I refused him. I blurted out, "you sound just like my ex". I immediately felt horrible & later apologized for my harsh words. Now I have come to realize that b/c of John I am afraid of intimacy. Wes & I sleep together, but I refuse to make the first move, or to throw myself at him for fear of rejection & being humiliated. John wasn't very interested in sleeping with me, and would push me away, telling me to get off him when I would try to initiate intercourse. Usually when we did get intimate, it was to shut me up. So, Wes has, in so many words, confessed that he would like me to show some initiative in the bedroom on occasion, & I do want to, but I constantly find myself sitting there thinking out exactly what I'm going to say & do, & then I clam up... and then I refuse. I don't know what to do. Because of my prior mistake, Wes does not want me mentioning my ex around him (understandably) but I am not sure how to tell him what I am feeling & going through without explaining what my ex put me through. What can I do to make sure I put in my half of the effort to make this new relationship go smoothly?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you are feeling uncomfortable about telling your new boyfriend how you feel, that might be an indicator that you are not ready to be sleeping with him. We are sexual beings and therefore, sex is natural. you don't have to rehearse what you will say or do becuase it just comes to you. However, when you're not comfortable this can inhibit these natural instincts. Take some time and talk with this new guy, tell him what makes you angry and what makes you happy. Let him know that you should be able to talk about painful memories with him regardless if they are about your ex or not. It is to his advantage to learn what hurt you so he doesn't repeat it. If you want things to run smoothly, slow down and get to really know him. You can always have sex with a person, but connecting with another person is worth so much more.
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hey,
i know exactly what you are going through even though im 16 ive also been through this. My ex was a shitty person to be honest. He made me feel stupid all the time and he said things that made me constantly think he wanted to end it with me..and when he did end it awhile later he just straight out moved to a whole different state and never talked to me again ever. 2 weeks later i was so depressed i just wanted to meet a new guy to get my ex off my mind..unfortunatly im not to good at just "meeting guys" without having further intentions so i met this guy when we first started dating i kinda acted how you are now. i acted like my ex boyfriend. I acted like i didn't care about me and him so i wouldnt get hurt. Kinda like how you dont come on to him because you dont want to be rejected. But as time went on i actually really started liking this guy then i fell in love with him..and i started to break down my walls and everything was good for a little bit. Now we've been dating for about 2 years and im starting to worry hes gonna break up with me. Why? i have no idea We're perfect. I take the littlest things and make them into oh he doesn't care anymore. And i know its because of my ex because i never use to get like this. When this first started happening i would get bugged all the time n asked him do you think we're gonna break up n stuff..by doing that it just made the situation worse because he felt pressured and w/e. Now i just dont ask him anything and everytime i feel like that i dont bring it up at all. I just ignore it. Everytime i get mad or anything because i know it pisses him off and i know im like that because of my ex and ever since ive done that things have gotten easier for US not for me though..i still feel the same but i think as time goes by it will be done and maybe i wont feel like that. Anyways thats what i think you should do is act how you would normally act even if it bugs you because its not gonna bug him unless if your bothered by it. Dont let him see that because its going to make him feel bad. I mean i ended up with sucha heart ache and now im with this guy and its so amazing and it takes a long time to get over a guy you really cared about especially when they treat you like that because its like your never good enough. Dont let the guy with you now feel the same way. Be you forget the other guy and have some fun and a good relationship. I hope i helped hun
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Since you just got out of a long relationship, I think you should take it slow. It sounds like you are trying to rush things to make him happy, but maybe you're not quite ready to move at that pace. Sit down and have a talk with Wes explaining to him that you just got out of a bad relationship (if he doesn't already know)and that your ex has caused a lot of bad memories and it may take some time for them to heal. Assure him that it's not that you are comparing him with your ex but that you need to take it slow because you are learning/experiencing for the first time how to be in a healthy relationship with a guy you really like so it will take time.
Hopefully, he will understand. If he doesn't, then you deserve someone who will.
In the meantime, make new memories with Wes. Think of new places to go or things to do that your ex would have never done with you so that you will be less likely to have flashbacks of him. Like (this may seem corny but its just an idea to get you started) you could take a blanket outside one night and lie under the stars or take a salsa class together (trust me, it's a very sexy style of dance lol)
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