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probably a stupid question
No one understands me and I don't mean to talk about only myself. I don't want to come off as arrogant. I hate how everyone thinks I'm selfish [my mother mostly] but can't tell me why they think that. I want to ask them "what do i do that makes me seem selfish to you?" but I don't know how to say that. No one seems to see [except for a few people that have noticed my apparent "big heart", my grandmother and aunt] that I try so hard to make sure everybody's pleased, but I don't take time to do anything for myself, and I go along with what other people want or are doing because I want them to be happy. At home, my mother is planning on divorcing my father. I don't know the whole story, but she filed a domestic violence thing in May against him, but the judge just basically dismissed that and said my parents have to be nice to eachother and to come back to court at the end of July to follow up. Last I heard, my mom was going to file a divorce against my dad, which hasn't happened yet, but neither has the court at the end of the month. Things at home are horrible. My parents fight constantly and at times I think my mother has gone crazy. I love my mom and my dad, but they use me to get dirt on the other all the time. They also both talk to me and my [two younger] siblings one-on-one to tell me why the other parent is wrong/bad/etc. I can't talk to either of them about anything. My mother and I argue constantly because we are both always feeling sorry for ourselves and can't see the other's point of view with anything. My mother also favors my [younger 13-yr-old] sister, and even though my sister takes advantage of my mother and treats her much worse than I ever would. I know that it is a bad time at home right now and that my mom is stressed out and gets angry easily, but why does that give her special privelages to be a jerk to everyone, and if anyone were to be a jerk to her, it would be totally unacceptable? My mother doesn't care about how I feel about much of anything unless it's convinient for her, and even if she did care she wouldn't understand, or want to. My mother thinks that I have no problems and that my life is wonderful. She always tells me that I'm only feeling sorry for myself and that no one cares about what I'm saying, and basically that no one cares about me. Why is it perfectly okay for her to take me for granted? Why do I continue to do nice things for her when she hurts my feelings constantly and doesn't care? Why does she get to yell at me and fight with me all da and expect me not to say anything back? In the mean time, I am constantly feeling worthless and hopeless. It is the same feeling at home and at school. [even though it's summer] In my social life, I don't have any REAL friends. They all use me at one point or another. Most of them don't care about what I have to say, and hardly any of my "friends" want to, or will, listen to my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. People I'm not even close to take advantage of me. I don't have a lot of friends, either. I'm too scared, terrified, to talk to new people. I'm afraid of them and what they will think of me when I open my mouth. I think I come off as a snob or a jerk to them because in truth, I am too intimidated to talk to them, and as a result I don't say much of anything. I also have a habit of dwelling these personal problems on people that (obviously) don't give a care. I can't talk to anyone because I'm afraid of being seen vulnerable. I need some help, and I don't have anyone to talk to but myself through a diary. It doesn't help, and when I look back on what I've written, I just feel sorry for myself again and start crying.
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Aww, thats really bad :[ To have all that going on and all that happen and having to keep it all bottled up.
The first thing I wouldsuggest is trying to arrange seeing a councillor so you have someone to talk to about everything that's going on because it seriously will help a lot.
You sound like a really nice person, wanting to make everyone else happy before your own happiness but reality is that people will use and exploit that kindness in you. There has to be a point where you must be able to draw the line and think about you and your happiness before others. It's not at all being selfish either. If you don't look out for yourself no-one else will.
The whole situation with your parents sounds really complicated (5 a.m. where I am and I just got home so it might even just be me) but I think for starters you should say toboth your mom and dad, when they try get dirt on the other from you, that you love them both so you don't want to be used in this way between them so to not do so because it feels wrong. See what they have to say about that and hopefully it will get the message across you don't like them doing that. As for how you don't get along with your mom I think best bet I can think of is to tell your mom exactly how you feel. Write it all down and let her rad it ir sit her down and talk to her about it without trying to get into an argument about things. You also have to remember regardless who's to blame your mom is going through a very rough time and may just assume you can deal with it all being the eldest one. I think best you an do is try talk to her to explain your side of things so she knows exactly what's going on with you.
When asking for help everyone seems vulnerable but there's nothing wrong in asking for help. The idea is not to let the person use the problem to control you and you'll be ok. When it comes to friends I guess they eventually get bored of hearing a frends problems but also with new friends they may just get overwhelmed when you start to talk about all this stuff all of a sudden. Best thing to do is take it easy with them but don't hold yourelf back when it comes to making new friends. There's nothing wrong with you so just be yourself. as long as your you you'll make plenty new friends. Ifpeople are going to think les of you just becaquse your yourself then they would not have made great friends anyway so you've not lost anything there.
Just hang in there and things will wok out so don't give up on hope. You've made a friend here if you ever need one so feel free to write to my inbox should you ever feel like needing to chat about what's going on and such and I'll try help if I can or I'll just listen if all you need is a sounding board. Take care though and sorry I wasn't really all that much help.
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You have a lot of major problems in your life, some that you didnt bring upon yourself that you can't fix, and some you do that you can. Let's start with your home life. Your mother is alot like my mom at times, except her meaness only happens when she's tired. Your mom and dad are going through a rough patch right now. Yes, your mother seems awfully selfish and only see's her own pain. Your parents are acting like children and are not setting you a good example as to how you should live your life. I believe, when the divorce happens, and when they both go their seperate ways and get out of eachother's lives and settle down in a new home somewhere, they will calm down and go back to their normal selves ( if their normal selves are nice?) Your having trouble finding someone to confide in. I wouldnt try confide in your mother anymore becuause she just makes you feel worse. Wait till she's over the divore thing before bringing any of your problems up to her again. Your aunt and grandmother seem really nice and understanding so try and talk to them more. If they live far and you can't visit them often, try email or the phone. Try getting your mother & father ( in seperate sessions w/ you!) to go to a family counselor, that might clear some things up. Don't worry about your sister and how your mom favors her, you know your a better person & thats ALL THAT COUNTS. While your parents are in turmoil, try staying away from the house as much as possible. Pick up some activities in your neighbrohood, volunteer at a kid's day camp or try a summer sport. This will get you away from the constant bickering at your house and make you some new friends. You need to get away from your old friends, why have friends that make you feel lonely & alone? I went through the same thing with my old set of friends. Don't worry about making new friends right of the bat. When school starts, try talking to some new people and don't worry what they think about you because the people who don't like you, don't matter & the people who do, are the ones you need in your life. Talking to new people does'nt make your arrogant at all. It makes your friendly and outgoing, everyone loves a person like that. When you start hanging out w/ new people, don't attach yourselves immediatly to the first people you see, keep our options open and see who proves to be a better friend in the end. Find people who are accepting & caring. Those are the best people. Everything will work out in the end :) good luck!
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It's not your fault.
We both understand that your mother and father are hurt right now. But even so... I would like to remind you that their behavior is childish and immature... And it's not your fault. You are trying the best you can... And your mother's accusations of selfishness are unfair.
I don't need to tell you to be patient, tolerant, forgiving... The bigger person. You all ready know, because you all ready are. THAT is the reason that you don't yell at her and say cruel things... THAT is the reason you don't speak when your parents try to use you to hurt each other.
I understand why you feel sorry for yourself. You feel like you are about to lose your mind and that no one sympathizes with you. But you are wrong. You are never alone. And because you are never alone, I'm going to ask you to do something for yourself... Be strong. Not strong for your parents or friends, be strong for you.
You feel like a victim because you feel like you can't control anything that is happening to you. But you can control yourself. You can control your feelings, your thoughts, your words, and your actions. People can't hurt you, can't take advantage of you if you don't let them. I know you're afraid of rocking the boat and maybe hurting someones' feelings... But you have to think about YOU, you're top priority is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I know that it's all hard to take and hard to do. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I encourage you to do so... Talk to your aunt, your grandmother... Make an appointment with either your family physician or your school guidance counselor and tell them what you told me. They can provide you the support you need at this difficult time.
My thoughts are with you.
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