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my daughter is moving back east with her father
i am having a serious issue with my 20 yr old daughter! she is moving back east to live with her father. i hate this man. he has never done anything except try to beat me out the child support he was ordered to pay. plus when the kids would go to visit him, he only bad mouths me and i can't defend myself against his lies. he was not around to help support them or get them thru school. he also told both the kids that he could have done a better job raising them. they have both graduated high school with honors. my problem is i can no longer stand her. i asked her to stay here with her brother and me and help us financially which would benefit us all. she won't. if she steps on the plane i will not ever talk to her again. i am going to lose my daughter to a messed up alcoholic. i cannot and will not accept this! she had the nerve to send me an e-mail about a going away party. i want to throw up! this will be the biggest mistake of her life! how do i get on with my life?
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If you raised her well, she'll make the right decision. You have to trust yourself from there. And frankly, I think you never talking to YOUR OWN DAUGHTER again would be a much bigger mistake then her going to live with her father. Think about what it would be like for her carrying a burden life-long that her own mother would never forgive her. Once, I thought my mother didn't forgive me for mouthing off and it was terrible, I know this is much more serious but I think you need to be more rational about the whole situation.
Hating your ex-husband isn't going to help you out, in the bible it states that hatred is like murder, and it's only going to make you more upset with yourself; it's not benefiting you at all.
She's an adult now. I know you don't want her to make the same mistakes you made but she won't, she'll make her own. She needs independence more than anything right now and she has every right to make her own decision even if it's not the one you want her to make. You can't MAKE her live with you.
And whether or not you want to accept this, you HAVE to. If you don't, you'll never move off the subject and you'll dwell on it forever. You just can't expect her to make her decisions to revolve around you. It's her life now, and she wants her own father to be a part of it, is that such a bad thing? She doesn't have the whole story about her father from what you explained, and if he's alcoholic he could hurt her. I know that's a scary thought but think about it, really. Just warn her about his drinking habits and tell her you'll always be there. All she needs right now from you is your support for every decision she makes. Only you can give that to her.
Sending an e-mail about a going away party isn't so bad. She just wants to remember everybody before she leaves, shouldn't everybody have one?
I think first you need to figure out what is bothering you so much about it because I don't think it's all your ex-husband. Some of it may be because you're not ready to say goodbye to your daughter. But you have to do what's best for her, and this may not be it, so this way the best thing you can do is let her make her decision, warn her about his drinking habits, and support her decision. Even if you think it's the wrong decision, she needs to learn herself before it's something more crucial or she'll never understand and make the same mistakes in a worse situation again until she learns.
Would you be happy if she lived with you? Yes. Would you be happy if she lived with you because she felt like she had to? Probably not.
Would you be happy if she left to live with her father? No.
Would you be happy if she was happy with her decision? Yes.
So make sure whatever decision she makes, that she's happy.
Let her know that she can always call you to talk or if there's a problem and that you'll always be there. That's better than "I'm never talking to you again if you step on that plane." because you wouldn't be happy with yourself for doing that, would you?
You have to be honest with yourself.
If you can't even be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with your daughter?
I know it's hard and you feel it's wrong, but go with your instinct.
I think you should give your ex-husband a chance to explain, everyone deserves a second chance and having an existence of everlasting hatred for him is getting the both of you absolutely no where. If he's being honest with your kids about it, maybe he can be honest with you too. That's just another way of looking at it. At least he admitted it, right?
Sometimes people aren't just saying that to cover something up.
I think she might feel like she missed a good father in her childhood and now that he admitted about 'could have done better' she feels like there's a chance she has one.
Have a long talk with her about how you feel, but first figure out how you feel. Don't be angry, it will only get her angry or worry her. It does no good. Then she'll only want to leave even more if you yell at her. And then when she stays she'll be unhappy for two reasons. She knows you never would've spoken to her again if she made the decision SHE wanted, and she didn't do what she wanted to begin with.
Much Luck.
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She is a smart girl. You won't lose her to her father. At 20 years old she will make and learn from her mistakes the same as you did.
Do you not remember being 20? As much as she loves you and her brother, living with you and helping you pay the bills is NOT where she wants to be. She wants independence. The biggest attraction to her father is that he is asking nothing of her.
You have to accept the fact that your child is no longer that. She is a grown young lady with dreams
of her own. Don't take this as her deserting you.
Instead see it for what it is. You have raised a
smart and independent daughter who is ready to
take on the world.
She knows you raised her right. She knows her dad
is a loser. But, he is her dad. She will see through his lies. She knows who you are.
Don't let her leave on a sour note. Go to her party and wish her well. You don't have to stay long but put in an appearance. Don't give her dad
ammo to use against you. It will be hard but
you will be okay. She is just getting on with her own life. :)
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Unfortunately your daughter is now an adult and has complete control over her own life. Please don't shut any future you may have with her out just because of your ex. She may well come to realise exactly what he is like and could want to come home again. If you make her feel that she is no longer welcome back home, she might think she has no alternative but to stay with him. You have to trust that the first 20 years of her life, moulded by you, have equipped her with the abilities to see through any charade he may put up, or any bad mouthing he may do against you. Please, please keep open the lines of communication with her. You don't have to agree with her choices but you are her Mum and should be there to pick up the pieces when she needs you. And I am betting that will be sooner rather than later.
Just for the moment, however, you need to use a little self-preservation. Give yourself a pat on the back for bringing up two well educated children and then focus on your Son who is still living at home. I wish you all the very best of luck and hope that she comes home soon. Take care.
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