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who pays for what/adult children
This is a repeated conflict between my husband and I. I was raised that whoever has the most means should pay; he was raised that the parent always pays, no matter what. We have two small children and a very busy lifestyle. My dad is retired (divorced and alone) and comes over for dinner often. Sometimes I cook, sometimes we get takeout, occasionally we go to Friendly's. My dad never chips in a dime or picks up after himself or offers to bring anything. This infuraties my husband to no end; he calls my dad a cheapskate and says he hates him. My mother and stepfather and my mother-in-law NEVER LET US PAY FOR ANYTHING. My Dad has no idea the conflict he causes in my marriage; we've been married for 8 years and have fought about this at least fifty times. WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK?
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Perhaps your father doesnt have that much money, if he is retired then he most likly doesnt have a large income, and maybe he is embarresed that he can't afford it. He is old, and you (and your husband) should try and help him, because he is probably VERY lonely and bored.
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Was your dad used to being fed and cared for by your mom. This may not be about money, but about fulfilling an emotional need. If you can afford to treat the father in your life, then do it happily. Refuse to take part in fighting, and do not argue about it. Is your dad cheap in general? Is his personality stingy or does he offer any services or anything to help out that is not about the money? Is he a good grandpa and father? If he is a good man in general I would give him the respect he deserves. I don't care how either of you "were raised," because it has nothing to do with the choices the two of you make in your own life. Do what you feel good about doing and tell your husband that this is how you demonstrate affection toward the only other man in your life you will ever love. It is disrespectful and unloving to you when your husband throws this in your face or compares your dad to his parents or says he hates him! Your husband may be jealous of something here...to be that resentful. This is an issue that must be let go by both of you...since you are the one who may have the bigger understanding on this one, you must be the one to let it go first and not let him pull you into a fight. You can say that you understand how he feels and leave it at that. If your finances are truly suffering for feeding dad out, then make a compromise with your hubbie and just treat him to homecooked meals...of course, I would still take dad out for lunch or ice-cream once in awhile without hubbie.
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I can see this from both sides - your Dad is doing it out of habit and upbringing, and so is your Husband. There has to be a compromise and the only way to settle this is for them both to be grown-up enough to discuss it like the men they are supposed to be. It is no good your Husband whining like a child to you that your Dad is a 'cheapskate' because that achieves only to infuriate you. On the other hand, try offering to pay when you are out with your Mother, Stepfather and Mother-in-Law, they may well refuse but the offer is there. Your Husband will then hopefully see this situation from another viewpoint. You will always find conflict in every relationship and talking it through will be the only solution. If they refuse to see it from the other side's point of view, them I am afraid you will have to get tough and refuse to get involved. Tell your Dad that he will have to try offering and tell your Husband to be man enough to accept that sometimes you don't get your own way. I hope that this conflict resolves itself amicably and you manage to come through it "unscathed". Good luck.
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50 times? I would have to say your husband is a moron. I understand why he would get mad, but what I don't understand is why he doesn't try to solve it, instead he just fights and I don't get why he would get into the same fight 50 times.
I know this will sound mean, but he needs to grow a pair and get over it.
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I think your husband shouldn't get mad over something like that. If money is more important to him than being happily married then why is he married in the first place-in my opinion? If it is causing so much trouble in your marriage then talk to your father about it-maybe suggest splitting the bill 50/50 when going out to eat. Better yet, have your father over and have him and your husband talk things over. In my opinion, I don't think your father should have to change for your husband. I think your husband should respect your father and not make him change to suit his (your husband) own needs.
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Well, you're dad could be more of a gentleman and show more respect for you and your husband. But, he's a man. That's how men are. They are pigs who take take take take take and give absolutely nothing in return. Now your husband is a bit childish for saying he hates your father for not chipping in. Strongly dislike, maybe. But anyways, maybe you could talk to your dad. Or the next time he comes over and doesn't pick up his dishes maybe you could say something to him or threaten him to never come over again. lol. Bottom line though: He's a man. You can't expect ANYTHING out of a man. Except to make children. That's all they are good for lol. I hope I helped!
Good Luck !
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