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Being Supportive or Being Honest
My best friend can't stand to be single. She just moved to a new city for a job, so I know she is kind of lonely but she is fallen in with a guy who was fooling around with her very heavily while he was still with his girlfriend of two years. When I went to visit her a few weeks ago he didn’t exactly make a good impression on me. I was there for three days and I never saw him sober, I saw him give a lap dance to two other girls and cuddle with another, and although I was friendly and trying to get to know him better he didn't just ignore me, he was flat out rude to me. I have a hard time to believe he'd treat the best friend so shabbily (or do all the other jackassy things I saw him do) if he was really serious about her.
Now whenever I talk to her all she ever wants to talk about is how wonderful he is or bad-mouth his girlfriend. I'm sick to death of hearing her swoon over this awful guy and bad mouth the girl he is cheating on! Of course she is suspicious and needy. I wonder why she’d feel that way? Maybe because he is cheating on her!
My friend says I’m not being supportive of her and that if I can’t just be happy for her she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Is there anyway I can let her know that I don't have a problem with her being happy with this guy but I'm not going to lie and pretend he is prince charming when he clearly isn't? Also, how can I explain to her that bad mouthing the girl he is cheating on with her is just plain rotten and bitchy?
I’m not very impressed with her right now, but she is still my friend...
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You have heard love is blind...maybe deaf, too. She sees and hears what she wants through a filter of her feelings. We all have done this to an extent, but someone who lacks self-esteem to begin with will be at the mercy of her feelings even more. Talk to her about those feelings. Give her room to breathe in the discussion and don't put her on the defensive. Be there to listen and she will open up and eventually realize herself that she is unhappy with this guy and the situation. Support her in the quest to find her way through her emotions. Don't assume to know everything about their relationship...not because it is a healthy one, but just because it will annoy her against you. When she is not defending him, she will begin to open her eyes to what he is. She is not an innocent party to this cheating either, and she probably feels guilty, or she would not be bad mouthing the other girl. Sometimes we have to watch our friends make bad choices and suffer with the outcome. She may be experimenting in her life right now and she may need to find somethings out for herself right now. Did she used to listen to you more and now she does not? Is she trying to be independent? The hardest thing to do is not to judge, and still want the best for her. You don't have to approve or lie, just stand beside her and not inbetween her and the thing she thinks she has to have. Don't block her view of him, step back and let her see him...and when she does realize he is not good for her, be a true friend and resist the "I told you so."
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She needs a reality check. Trust me at this point she won't listen she ignorant.
Sorry but its true im sure shes a great person but not all that aware.
So heres a reality check that isn't just some little buttered up way of trying to help you.
Make it so that she catches him in the act.
Let her know what you said. Ask her
"wouldn't you be needy or suspicious if you were in such a situation?"
Tell her she could easily be cheated on the same way by him when he moves and finds a new woman.
Love isn't a fairy tale.
Like I was saying try to make it so that If you know he's getting drunk and frisky, that your friend is near and you grab onto her and drag her to where he is like your life depends on it.
Your friend will be very upset no doubt, unless she really is an idiot which I highly doubt having such a smart and good friend such as yourself.
So be honest and supportive.
Let her see the truth and let her fall, and then be supportive and help her get back on her own two feet, she will no doubt be a stronger person.
Now I don't think any of my advice is top notch, on the contrary I think it sucks, but take it as you will. =X
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i can say your older than i am but my best friend and her boyfriend are the same way on a lower scale, hes a jerk to everyone but her and it seems all he wants to do is get in her pants and makeout with her. i try to talk to her about him but she says im just jealous and annoying but i just don't like him. ive tried to break them up a few ways and none work so i've come to the really bad conclusion that there is nothing i can do unless my friend wants to listen to me. so i'm guessing it will be the same for you, just start to stop going everywhere with them and if she is a good friend she should notice and ask you about it. just if and when they break up just be there for her don't be like i told you so and all that be there for her
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Just tell her all of this. She may not understand now, but in a while she will find out about him, and she'll forgive you and realize you were looking out for her best interest. Sometimes things have to get bad before they can get better
-DD
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Dear Supportive or Honest,
You should definitely let her know that she is better than that. Why don't you talk to her and let her know that if he is already cheating on his present girlfriend, then how would he treat her. Let her know that he's not worth the heartbreak. If she has just moved to a new city then she has plenty more options than before, so she should see who is out there than making a commitment to someone who is already taken.. Besides, a true friend is supportive by being honest. Your friend might not realize it at first but you are doing it for her benefit.
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