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ehh... family problems.
i wrote this last night:
titleless- blog 16
love doesnt exist.
people spend their whole lives searching for love
and end up short handed.
because it doesnt exist.
if it did, then i wouldnt have half as many problems as i do now.
my whole life is one big mistake.
every single breath i breathe makes me more of a failure.
no one understands where im coming from when i write this shit down.
at times it seems like no one really wants to.
they'd rather blame me than try to help me.
which in turn, makes everything worse for me.
i absolutely hate looking in the mirror.
i dont see the same girl that you do.
i see a girl who's dying to be perfect.
a girl who's dying inside.
a girl who has no control of what goes on in her life
and its greatly affecting her.
greatly killing her.
and nobody realizes it but me.
its hard to explain all the shit that i put up with.
so i just hide it in hopes that it will go away.
but everytime i do,
it gets worse.
learning to let go of the past is harder than i ever thought it would be.
accepting things for the way that they are and knowing that i cant do anything to change it.
or to bring him back...
the fact that i have no control over who i am
or what ive become
totally messes with my mind.
i dont know who i am anymore.
not sure if i ever did.
just knowing that noone will ever understand what im going thru.
and feeling alone in this.
love is a hoax.
and my life is a total waste.
needless to say, thats how i feel. theres more of them too. (blogs, i mean)
what should i do to help myself feel better, if there is anything. cause right now, i feel like just "ending it all". dont tell me how wrong it is or how much people care. i know. ive heard it a thousand times. just, what can i do, if anything, to feel better about myself? i get my toes and nails done every two weeks... that helps a little.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Keep writing. We all need outlets for emotional and mental clarity to evolve past our troubling circumstances in life. No one is guaranteed happiness or fairness in this life, most people are lucky to have a meal and shelter. Love is an even higher idealistic word that means different things to different people. Giving and receiving love looks and feels different depending on who you are, what you know, what you expect etc. You are not alone, but you can feel alone...even or especially in a crowd, when you are not connected with someone else who is getting you, understanding without judgement.
We all yearn for this kind of acceptance and respect, it is a validation that is vital to our sense of self-worth. Romantic love and sex cannot fill the void, materialism cannot fill it, and education cannot. You have heard that the truth will set you free. It can bind you forever and torture you if the truth you believe is false and negative. What are you accepting as truth right now? Whose opinions are you accepting as true about life, the world, values and most of all who you are and can be? This is a growing time in your life. Spring is growth...it begins after Winter, which is a cold death of sorts. You feel like ending this life you know, but you also have the strength to begin anew...put away your old self, old beliefs, old truths.
Bury those ideas that no longer fit you and your dreams. Let nothing hold you back from your renewal. This is your Spring. We all go through seasons in life and in relationships, even within ourselves. There is nothing wrong with it, it is good to feel and reflect and change. You do have control over your own mind and spirit. It may be a little while before you can realize how to save yourself, forgive yourself for not being perfect and love yourself. We all come from dirt and will return to dirt. None of us are perfect, it is our today that counts. No one can take that away from you.
Whatever you have survived and endured has not taken you down, but merely nipped at your tender and trusting youth. You will grow twice as strong and remarkable for your courage and be your own inspiration. From the wastelands of childhood dreams we can cultivate a garden of our own choosing. Till the soil under, let the old rot away beneath your feet, plant some new ideas, tend your self and be your own guardian, some weaker ideas will not take root and wither away...let them. The ones that last through the storms and seasons will multiply and give you back more than you originally planted.
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i understand how you're feeling, i mean not completely..but if i had a dollar for all the journal entries and blogs i wrote that sound almost identical to that id be rich...not just middle class..id be filthy rich.
i know sometimes it feels like no one understands and no one knows what your going through but its more than likely that someone not only went through it before, but that there is someone who is going through it now.
but when you're feeling really low it does feel like you're the only person who ever felt this way.
all i can say is the best way to feel better is to talk. if you have a best friend, just talk to her. writing, as you already do, also helps, but when you have a friend who possibly went through what you're going through or some similar situation it helps a lot more. because then you're not alone. you have someone who understands and is there for you. i can't stress enough how important communication is.
and as for family...honey believe me, we ALL have family problems. and family is the type of thing you cant live with and you most definitely can't live without (altho sometimes it feels like you can)
i know this is extremely long, and i apologize, but if you ever feel like talking i'm pretty good with family problems.. :)
i hope you feel better, and always remember that tomorrow is a new day, even if its not better than the day before, just keep a positive attitude and things will get better eventually. :)
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You are NOT alone. You may think that noone understands how you feel, but there are people that have probably been through even worse than you. To put it quite simply, family sucks. No families are perfect, and the ones that seem like they are, only try to hide and ignore their flaws and problems. They sweep them under the rug, and they appear to have perfect lives and perfect families, but they don't. They avoid their problems.
The best thing you can do is face your problems. I don't know exactly what it is that's going on in your family, but ignoring it won't make it go away. You either have to try to fix it (maybe standing up to a family member and addressing the problem.) or learning to accept that the problem exists and just live with it.
What can you do to feel better about yourself? You can be proud of who you are. And you are a great writer too. I'm a writer as well, and when things get bad for me, I write poems, stories, or just thoughts in a journal or blog like you do too. Keep writing, because like I said, you are a very strong writer, and it can also help you to cope with what you are feeling right now. Getting your toes and nails done is a good idea too. Maybe you don't think your life is much right now, maybe you can't see what you're going to be like in 10 years, maybe you don't have any long term goals right now, but you do have small things to look forward to in the near future, such as getting your nails done, and that is a good thing. If you can learn to live day by day, and be content with your life, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's your life. Do what you want and don't listen to anyone else's opinion, because you know what? It doesn't matter.
I don't know how old you are, but don't think that your life is going to be like this forever. Things change. Once you're 18, you can legally move out or go to college, because then you are an adult and you can start your own life, whether you want to include your family in it or not. If your family members are jerks, that's their problem, not yours. Because when you're 18, you can say "Bye" and never talk to them again. Then, they would be sorry for wasting all of those years, not you.
I've felt like "ending" it all many times. But how will you ever know what things will be like 20 years from now, if you do?
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