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Does the love of your life need to lie?
I'm a 17 year old guy. I have been dating this girl for a long fun while now, and we have an awesome relationship. We talk and joke around like best friends and get jiggy with it as lovers do. The only thing is that a road block just recently popped up. Throughout the relationship she had been telling me that she was a virgin and never saw a penis before and all that stuff. Then we were wasted one night and she decided to give me this big confession that infact she wasn't a virgin. She had touched, licked, and sure enough had sex with an ex that before this point she always spoke lowly of him. A lot of the time she would even bring him up in common conversation. So, now she tells me this and first I feel betrayed because I have been lied to for so long. Second, I feel confused because you think she wouldn't talk so bad about this guy if he took her virginity. Third and lastly, I feel scared because thinking that she was a virgin, we fooled around a little without a condom. That brings up worries of STD's and so forth. What should I think or say or do? Am I mad at her? When she says she regets it do I believe her? Does she still of feelings for this guy (who, if I might say myself is 100% full of nasty)? Should I trust that she isn't keeping anymore lies from me?
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I think that she could have possibly been ashamed to let you know this information. Maybe thats why she lied. If that not being the case, some girls do lie about not being a virgin because it makes the guy feel special. If you wish to continue to have a sexual relationship then you should wear a condom from here on out. You should be honest with her, and tell her that keeping something of that importance is not a good idea for a healthy relationship. You may be mad at her, thats up to you. I think that obvisously youve lost some trust in her for lying to you. Proceed with caution to trust her with this and other things down the road. Personally, i cant really tell if she does still have feelings for him. A lot of the time its not really feelings, its just that he was her first.
hope i helped.
and please dont hesitate to ask me anything else.
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It will take time to rebuild the ammount of trust that you had, but it can be done. Maybe she really does regret what happend before and didnt want to tell you. Or maybe she thought you would not take the relationship seriously if you knew that she wasn't a virgin. I think you need to talk to her about it. BUT do not harp on it over and over again...make your point and only have the discussion once. Whatever you do not bring this up all the time when you are fighting it will only ruin your relationship and cause resentment.
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i'm a firm believer in honesty being the best policy especially in relationships...your girlfriend absolutly should've been honest you about her sexual past and i completely understand how that trust between the two of you is lost. However, if you really like her and despite this lie she told you-want to make it work i suggest trying to see why it was she felt she needed to lie in the first place. I sincerely doubt she still likes her ex. Have you considered that her talking bad about him and not wanting to admit sleeping with him means it was just a bad experience for her and that she may be a little regrettful about that decision? And if that is the case it was HUGE for her to finally admit to you what happened. It means that she felt safe enough with you to tell you the truth. Again coming back to honesty being the best policy-You feel a little betrayed and you have some concerns that you should absolutly bring up to her-can i make a suggestion though-Your approach in this situation is everything-if you come at her all pissed off about lying she will close right back up and that feeling of safety and trust she had will be lost. I suggest first thanking her for coming clean and trusting you with that info-but then let her know that in the future you wish she'd just be honest from the start-that you arent there to judge her-and that you did feel a little betrayed about her having lied to you to begin with. Also let her know that safety is important to you and had you known she had a sexual history you would've taken measures to protect her and you. Again approach is everything and TOO much focus on STD's is going to make her defensive and feel like your calling her dirty (we're girls we totally get overly defensive and overly sensitive)bottom line you've lost some trust for her and she is the only person who can help you get it back-and she can't help you get it back if she doesnt even know its gone...
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I could get banned for this, but I'm taking my chances -- If you feel she's lying to you, get her wasted. Alcohol works like a truth serum. But then again, I'm not to promote underage drinking. So, just talk to her about it when you feel she's lying to you about something.
Second, you have the right to feel this way. Not only did she lie to you, & come clean when she was wasted, but she had you believing something for the longest time. I understand the confusion about her degrading her ex by her words, but it's bound to happen. The guy who took my virginity was a jealous asshole. He's a nice guy, but he's too jealous for me.
If you're worried about STD's & possibly AIDS, you need to get tested right away, and always wear a condom. I can't tell you if you're mad at her because only you would know that. I don't know if she still has feelings for him, but you need to ask her that. But definitely don't trust her. She lied to you, & trust is a fragile thing. She just broke it.
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Wow, that's a nasty surprise...
Sometimes people will lie about things, even when they don't have to, in order to protect the person they care about from something they perceive will hurt them. In this case, she thought that by telling you that you were her first (whatever you've done) you would feel more special. Or maybe she was scared you'd think she was a slut because of it. There are a bunch of reasons why a girl would lie about that, none of them acceptable of course, but it's not a malicious thing.
As for her talking badly about this guy, it's really understandable. If he took her virginity (ESPECIALLY if he pressured her into it) and then was a jerk to her, she probably hates his guts now.
The condomless fooling around. If you're worried about that guy's cleanliness, you should get an STD test. It's no big deal, just a little swab and you're done. It's better than worrying. She should get tested too. You're better off safe than sorry, right?
So, talking to her about this whole thing. Ask her why she felt she needed to lie about it. Let her know that you would be far less hurt by knowing something than by not knowing and finding out later. Don't get angry, don't yell. Be as understanding as you can.
Are you mad at her? Only you know that. Should you be mad? Probably not. Hurt, upset, disappointed, yes. But mad, no. She made a mistake, and willingly gave you the information she had lied about before, and that takes a huge leap of faith.
My guess is that she has no good feelings for this guy anymore. If she talks about him like he's a jerk, he probably was. The fact that he took her virginity probably made her hate him even more, so don't worry about that.
As for trusting her, time will tell on that one. It might be hard for you to trust her at first, but please be forgiving. Her coming to you to set things right is a big indicator that she really wants you to trust her, and wants to be honest with you.
I know this whole situation really isn't fair, but she definitely did the right thing in telling you.
Good luck to the both of you!
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Well, broken trust is a big thing, especially if you *were* a virgin. She probably does deeply regret being with nasty-boy. You don't say how long ago she was with him or how long you and she have been together. If you're worried about STDs, you should both go to a clinic. It's up to you whether you can forgive her or not, but I totally understand her impulse to lie to you. She probably thought you would think she was a slut if you knew she'd been with nasty-boy. She made a mistake. Once the STD thing is cleared up, give her a chance to tell you if she has any other secrets she's hiding from you. Then tell her that you can forgive this one thing, assuming you can, but that she will have to earn back your trust. Don't have sex with her until you have established that you are both clean. Any more major lies and it's over. I don't think you have anything to worry about with nasty-boy. If she wanted to be with him, she would still be with him. She's looking for better and she found you. Give her a chance.
Parenthetically, I have to say don't get wasted anymore until you're 21!
Sabine
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