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Overwhelmed With Depression.
13/f.
Warning: Very long.
In school I play it cool, when I'm by my family I'm neutral, but when I'm by myself or talking with my boyfriend I completely loose it. My entire family has a long line of deep depression for the females on my mom's side. All of my family members take anti-depressents. My mom, my aunt, grandmother, cousins, my great-grandmother used to take them before she died. She was crazier than anyone could ever imagine - she'd spent five years in a mental institution. I my self have been in one for exactly 8 days before they released me because, just like I do in school and in front of my family, I play it like nothing's wrong.
I've begun to continually cut myself. I know I need to quit. Half of me wants to quit, because I know it's what's right, but the other half loves it too much to get rid of it. It's like I've become a dependant on it - or on my boyfriend, also. When I'm constantly talking to him, I'm perfect. Happy as happy can be, but the second he has to go to deal with his own life I fall apart. I need to depend on myself to make me happy, but I can't seem to find the strength too. I don't want to. I want to depend on someone or something. But I can't; I need to find a solution.
I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and have tried just about every anti-depressent out there or all different doses - none have ever worked for me. I currently take 30 miligrams of the generic brand of Prozac, along with Adderall for my ADD and Seraquil for my acclaimed "bipolar" disorder I've also been diagnosed with - even though I don't have mood swings. The only different moods I have are mask neutral and depressed.
I've tried overdosing in an attempt to kill myself three times. I've tried shooting myself twice, and I've tried countless of times to kill myself by means of slicing any main vains - I want help, I need help, but I can't get it from the "professionals" because all they'll do is stuff me in a white jacket and into a room with squishy walls. I don't want that. I want help. Actual help, but I don't know how to get it. I'm just so overwhelmed. I want to be able to get on with my life. I want to be able to be a kid while I still have the chance, to be able to laugh with my friends and have it not be fake. I want to be able to act stupid and mess up while it still doesn't matter.
I'm not sure exactly what my question is, except for a cry for help.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Wow. I truly have come at a loss for words here. Anyways...
You said you've been to professionals, so I'm guessing you mean doctors? Have you ever seen a psychiatrist or a therapist before? Talking to someone always helps with stuff like this. If you don't like the idea of talking to some strange adult about it, find a close friend you trust your life with, or your boyfriend. You obviously can't talk to anyone in your family about it, since they suffer from the same thing as you. But they will know what it's like. I do, as well.
If you ever feel like cutting yourself, I would suggest using the rubberband method. It didn't work for me, but it works for some people. Open up a livejournal. Venting your feelings that way always helps. Personally, whenever/when I felt/feel like killing myself, I listen to music. There's a band called The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, and they have continuously; through music; saved my life. There's been so many things I've been dying to do to myself but haven't because their lyrics & their music made me stop.
Also, have you thought about what you're missing out on if you take your life? Look at it this way, you're leaving your boyfriend, your friends, your family...Do you know how upset they're going to be if you take your life, or just die in general? Their depression is gonna get worse. And they're not gonna be able to handle it. I think what causes your depression is the fact that you're around it so much, and the fact that it's hereditary on your mother's side of the family. If you were in a positive environment, maybe it'd help. Honestly though, I can't exactly help you since I'm not a trained professional, and I don't know how to deal with this, but I'm trying the best I can.
Anyways, if you'd like someone to talk to, I'm always here. My screenname is on my column, but I'd need your's first because I have a privacy where I need to add someone first before I can talk to them, so if you'd like, leave your sn in my inbox. But, talk to your parents about seeing a psychiatrist or somebody who knows how to deel with your situation. I hope things end up turning out for the good & that your life turns out better. It sucks to have depression, I know.
♥T!NA
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well i think you need to try to find out what you think is making you the most unhappy then try to deal with that and just tkae it one step at a time...........if you need to talk to some one i'll give you my e-mail address and my sn for both yahoo and aim......if you evern eed to talk i'll be here okay?
AIM: AshleyLaskarin
YAHOO: ashmoe924u
EMAIL: nicolelaskarin@hotmail.com
if you ever need anything you can talk to me okay......i know talking help alot too.
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The advice you need is undoubtedly far beyond the capabilities of the people who respond here - myself included. I know next to nothing about psychology or depression, but even I know that your attempt to reach out is a good sign, indicating that you haven't given up hope. Try to hold onto that, and remember that it is NOT hopeless as long as you are willing to do something, anything, to bring yourself out of this.
I wish I could give you something solid to hold onto, but all I have to offer are ideas and thoughts. Maybe that will be enough.
First of all, don't fear or hate your doctors. The vast majority of them entered their field because of a genuine desire to help people, and they will have your best interests in mind. It will help if you seek them out voluntarily, and not wait for some episode where they have to drag you away and lock you up. When you make the first move, it helps you maintain some degree of control over the situation.
You need to come clean with them. Right now, it is difficult for anyone to help you because you're "playing it like there's nothing wrong." Naturally, they're going to misdiagnose your condition, and you won't get the counseling or medication you need. It is vitally important that you be truthful with your doctors and tell them everything. To do this will require a leap of faith on your part and a show of trust that it will be difficult to offer, but you are in a desperate situation and it calls for desperate measures.
There are three problems that you need to solve right away:
(1) The temptation toward suicide. Obviously, this is the thing that could end up doing you the most harm. When you see your doctor, come clean with him about how and why you want to end your life.
(2) The cutting. Not only is this harmful in an obvious way, but there is the risk that you could cut too deeply, or get an infection, or otherwise put your life at risk. It is an addiction and there are time-proven ways of treating it. Help is available.
(3) Dependence on your boyfriend. It is not fair for him to have to bear this terrible burden alone. He will not be able to give you the help you really need, and one day he is likely to cave in under the pressure and just run away. For his sake as well as yours, expand your support base and find some way to depend on others as well as him.
Remember that Clinical Depression is NOT caused by anything you do or fail to do - it is a chemical imbalance in your brain that is making you feel this way. Odds are that there is a combination of drugs and other therapies that will work for you and get you out of this hole.
You deserve a chance to live before you die. Please seek out the help you need. Do it before you forget what it is to have hope.
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Im not too sure what to say, but if you ever need anyone to talk to you can email me at Meganclary@msn.com ...sometimes just talking about stuff helps...
♥ xo
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life isnt going to be easy you know its going to throw some ugly things at you that you just cant handle, but you have to face them and hope that you get through it. i would really want you to e-mail me so we can do this privately and i want to tell you alot of stuff but i dnt think you'd feel comfortable talking about it. i really hope you take it into consideration, i really do want to help you. if you want e-mail me at spongebobmamicita17@yahoo.com or on myspace im known as ♥Will You Be My Valentine♥
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hey, well since the only person you seem to open up to is your boyfriend then i would suggest that he goes to a therapist and finds out how he can help you. tell him to let the therapist know that hes willing to pay for the help, but that he has to do it because you act normal in front of everyone but him. good luck and i hope that all goes well.
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