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wife to be wants to stay firends with exes
I'm engaged and my wife to be is still friends with her ex-boyfriend. She even expects me to have dinner with them both if we move to the same city. He still wants to be with her, and she says that I don't understand that it is the mature thing to do. I think it is pretty straightforward: we should stay away from exes. No talking, no dinner. Am I crazy?
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I am a married female, and I think your fiance is in the wrong here. What if the situation was reversed? What if you were talking about how you wanted to have dinner with one of your exes whom you all knew still wanted to be with you? In my opinion, that is TOTALLY uncool. What is the point? If someone is still carrying a torch for someone, seeing them in a situation like that is just stringing them along, and downright hurtful.
It makes me think your fiance has some ulterior motive in mind. Whether she still wants to be with him or not, at the very least she may be playing a game of "look what I gave up for you", or "look how much better I did after we split up" depending on whose side you're looking from. Either way, it's not a good sign. It could be a sign that she is on an ego trip, wanting to be with two men who both want her and watching the jealous looks between you with secret glee.
I have also heard of women who get two men together at the same time because she is still trying to decide between them and she wants to compare them side-by-side.
I'm sorry to say I get bad vibes off of this whole situation. If you have told her that this makes you uncomfortable and she doesn't understand your feelings, maybe you guys aren't compatible. If you can't trust her before you are married, how much worse will it be after? And if she honestly thinks you are being unreasonable, she may just sneak behind your back and see him.
And remember this is just my opinion from what you typed. Nobody knows what's going through your fiance's mind but her.
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No your not crazy... i would understand her point of view if only he still wasnt interested in her... but since you say he is than i understand yours. But are you truly sure that he is? Maybe he is only interested in her as a friend. I mean what more could he possibly want if he's agreeing to go to dinner with you and her?
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It depends on who you ask. Every situation is a little different and mature adults are expected to be able to handle these things with finesse. Okay enough bullcrap! Just like a woman KNOWS when another woman is trying to worm her way in, a guy can tell when a guy is, too! Be smart though, if you start making demands, your girl might start rebelling and thinking you are going to be too controlling and that she is making a mistake by marrying you. That is exactly what this other dude wants, and he will be all to happy to be there to console her. She may truly have zero feelings for him besides friendship, but the idea that you don't trust her will push her away. So, keep your guard up with him, but be the opposite with her. The more you act all macho and like her father, the less attracted she will be to you. This other guy is fulfilling something you have not been doing, which is probably on an emotional level. Start really listening to her and supporting her emotionally, and she will start moving away from him and toward you again. He is not who she wants, you are. You need to start reassuring her that you are capable and willing to be everything to her and that she will not be losing anything by marrying you.
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Yes, you're a little crazy. Or at least jealous :) The fact that your wife wants you to be involved in the friendship is a good thing. If she were insistent on keeping the friendship just between the two of them, I'd be suspicious. But seriously, in this case, I think you may be over-reacting. Just something to think about.
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well, i'm not married..obviously..but i totally agree with your wife to be. you can be friends with ex's, it wont mean anything. if they're friends, then LET them be friends. it would be VERY immature of you to not let her be friends with someone just because they're her ex. i know you said he still wants to be with her, but you should trust her more then that. espcially since you guys are getting married. if she truely loves you she wont betray you, and if you truely love her you wont tell her who she can, and can't be friends with. just let her know it bothers you, but don't tell her who she can't be friends with. trust is very important in marrige, and if you can't take her just being friends with an ex then you're not going to be able to take alot of things that are going to come your way. so for HER, just try and be mature about the whole situation.
good luck. =)
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Well...marriage isn't a competition between ones spouse, and all the previous contenders to that position. I dont blame you, I myself would be uncomfortable and would question the necessity of this. But at least she is coming to you and making the friendship public, rather than being so afraid of your reaction that she hides it from you and meets him behind your back. Thats one possible reason to go along for now and not over-react, she could be doing you a favor.
IMO she is being somewhat naive if she is thinking that this is purely innocent and has shouldn't be an issue, especially given that not only is he an ex, but also that he still has feelings for her. And, even though she might not admit it, she probably has some feelings for him (if the relationship lasted for anything longer than a few months). She probably isnt seeing it from your perspective either...do you think she would be happy if you started inviting ex-GF's out for dinner with the 2 of you? (she might say she wouldnt mind, for sake of her argument, but feel entirely different if she were in your position.)
It ~MIGHT~ only be friendship now with no vestigal feelings, but I would doubt it...I still have feelings for people that I was once with; they may have diminished, but they are still there.
Of course, you probably don't want to make a huge production out of this; that could be a good way to create some bad feelings with her. I think you are justified in your concern, but outright refusing to go along could plant you on the proverbial couch, if you know what I mean. And of course, that could be a bad thing considering this guy is waiting in the wings, you dont want to cause a break-up and hand him your fiance on a silver platter. I'd simply tell her how I felt, while at the same time letting her know that although I dont like it, that I would go along for her. Then, once you meet this guy and see how he acts, you can see how well-founded you think your concern is, and act accordingly. If things go bad, or he is creepy/touchy-feely/an ass, then you can tell her you arent going to play that game anymore, tell her why and remind her you had been willing to give it a try at least once.
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She still wants to keep in touch with him because they have been so close, discuss with her how you feel about it and maybe she will open up to you more.
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NO WAY! you are definatly not crazy about protecting your wife from her ex. you are just doing the job that you are supposed to do.
erin..
P.S:: just tell her that you are concerned that he will try to take her away from you.
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Crazy? No. But you aren't right either.
You need to give your fiancé a chance. This really isn't about the guy at all, this is about your fiancé and what she wants and believes.
There is no rule that says you must never speak to your exes again. In fact, common sense says that if you are able to maintain an enjoyable friendship with them you have no reason not too. Your fiancé clearly believes she can have a civil friendship with her ex and you have no right what so ever to tell her that she can't. You might believe this will cause trouble, but your wife does not share that belief, and you can't make her share it.
Refusing to meet this guy, or being an ass when you do, will only make you look like a possessive jerk and take any credibility your opinions about him might have.
Your fiancé thinks that this will be okay. She would enjoy a plutonic relationship with this man. If you have reason not to trust her on this, you probably shouldn’t be getting married.
Do yourself a favor: assume the best in people, not the worst. Trust your fiancé to tell you if there is a problem and have a friendly dinner with him.
This really isn’t about being married dear; this is simply about trusting the person you are with and not being unnecessarily judgmental. This ex deserves the benefit of the doubt and your fiancé deserves your trust and support.
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