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Struggling, in an abusive marriage
I have been married 9 years. In the beginning my wife and I got along great and I would say I considered her my best friend. Over the years though she has become difficult to live with. We do have two kids (girl age 7, and a boy, almost 2). She is currently a stay at home mom. She has really changed, as have I, but with her, she is always yelling and belittling, particularly to my daughter and to me as well. We don't fight every day, but several times a week is probably the norm. The other day as my daughter was getting ready for school, she was yelling at her to get ready (I was taking her to school), As she was leaving for school my wife yells out the door to my daughter, I was hoping to be in a good mood today, its your fault that I'm not and then she slammed the door. It has gotten to the point of being unbearable. We are in counseling together and I am trying to be more patient with her, but its not easy - she is not very receptive to it and claims she has a right to yell, etc, and blames everyone around her for her state. She doesnt work, so I am the only one working and paying the bills. I am also the one doing the majority of the housework when I get home. She claims she "Can't" do housework because she's "watching the kids" but I know from my daughter, neighbors, and from my own observations that she keeps my son (almost two) in either the playpen or stapped into the high chair most of the day while she watches TV or spends time on the computer IMing her chat group buddies. Just yesterday we had an argument which got pretty loud (I never raise my voice, its always her thats quick to yell and slam doors). The neighbor came downstairs to say he was tired of the noise and that "next time he was calling the cops" - my wife then started yelling at him, which prompted him to call the cops. The cops came and they asked ME to step outside and stood me in stance to pad me down and asked if I had weapons on me or in the house. I was afraid they were going to cuff me! They just asked what was going on and after talking to us, they left. I had never been put in that position before (cop taking me out) and it was very humiliating and caused by nothing that I did. I am now at my wits end and sorely in need of advice. Am not really considering divorce but starting to think it might be best for the kids. My parents currently retired and are moving out of state so I am afraid of being left with no support system here (I have no other family here while my wifes family is.) They want me to move my family where their going, and thats also a possibility and my wife is open to it as we are in need on a larger house but cant afford it in california. advice please on how to deal with everything.
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My answer is long, but I think it will help.
I have been married 7 1/2 years. For a very long time, I was the abusive wife. I suffer from depression. After an attempted suicide, I was put on medications. I pretty much stopped the yelling and throwing things, but I was apathetic and didn't really do anything around the house. During the time when my depression was really bad, my husband had given up on me and stopped trying to help. This fueled my apathy once I was on medication. I was sane enough to do things, but I didn't care because he didn't care.
In June of this year we started therapy. We both wanted to make things work and our therapist suits us well. We are doing great now, though still have a long way to go to fix the years of damage.
Has your wife been diagnosed as being depressed? Is she being treated for it? If not, perhaps she should. If you are really wanting to keep things together, you do need to be patient. But you also need to get her help. If she is anything like I was, she won't be able to do it herself. A self-defeating attitude that comes with depression prevents that. What you can do for her is first learn about depression. Find books at the library. I found books and read like crazy (ok, bad choice of words, but that is a good description). I asked my husband to read them too. I felt that if he did, it would show he actually cared. He didn't read anything, he refused to see depression as an illness. That was a very bad thing for me. So, show your wife you are concerned for her and get her to a doctor. Help her to keep up with her treatment. Help her with the housework. Now, I said HELP HER, not DO IT FOR HER. Work together on it. She will see you understand what goes into it, and she will not feel lonely doing it. Doing housework all alone is a very difficult thing for someone who is depressed. Next, find a new therapist. The one you have now isn't working for you. And find a therapist for just you. This will give you someone to talk to and get you through this. I know it is hard to be with a depressed person. Having professional help can make a world of difference.
Oh, another thing that made it very difficult for me was that we lived near my family and they tried to be helpful. Then we moved to be near his family. I knew hardly anyone other than my in-laws. I was in an unfamiliar place. I was miserable. Actually, we still live here and I still hate it here. While our marriage is getting better, I still resent that we moved here. So, make sure your wife isn't just agreeing with you to get you to shut up (we depressed people see almost everything as an attack and will often agree to stop the attacks) before you decide to move away from her family to be with yours.
Now, your other option is most certainly divorce. I have a dear friend with experience in your position. His wife was terribly abusive. Makes me look sane. It eventually got to a point where she was verbally abusive to her kids as well. Cops were called when they would fight and he would be blamed . . . at least until he became a cop and was known to not be even near likely to be the cause. No, I'm not saying you should be a cop (unless you want to). But if it is getting to where the kids are being abused, even if only verbally, it is quite possibly time to get out. My friend did and was much happier for it. However, just as the men are assumed to be the abusers, the women are more likely to get custody of the kids. My friend's kids are with their mother most of the time and that is very bad for them. He can't prove that right now though and take custody away. Verbal abuse is just too hard to prove. Sure they can ask the kids, but at 7 years old the testimony doesn't mean a whole lot.
So, those are things to consider. I hope whatever you decide works out for the best for you and your kids.
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I would consider a new counselor if the current one is suggesting YOU be patient. Seems to me she should be getting that advice.
Telling your daughter that SHE is the cause of moms moods is abusive if you ask me. Her self esteem is fragile at her age. Your wife may not realize she is doing that but she really needs to stop.
I would refuse to argue with her. Next time she starts up put the kids in the car and take them to the park or something.
Since you want to attempt to save your marriage you may need to find a better counselor if this one isn't providing results.
I am all for keeping the family together. My son has 5 kids in a relationship worse than yours even and I think he should send her packing. I am trying not to be negative here! It will come down to what you can live with for the next 50 years. How she treats your kids is another big factor.
Encourage her to see a medical doctor. As the person before me said she could possibly be depressed. If that doesn't work, I wish you luck.
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It's possible that your wife has depression, or something else, that's making her take out her anger and frustrations on other people. Some days, we all need to vent. But when it comes to the point that she's yelling at a seven-year-old and having the police called, it's obviously an issue. It might be a good idea to talk to her regular doctor (or have your counselor refer you to someone) and see if she has a chemical imbalance.
From what I've read, going to therapy seperately can sometimes be extremely helpful. The two of you are clearly not seeing eye to eye on most things. By talking about your concerns seperately to an impartial third party, it may help trememdously. (It's worth a try, isn't it?)
Make sure your kids know that they're loved. Do something with them both -without your wife- that they'll both enjoy. The two year old will be visually stimulated, so try something simple, like the zoo or aquarium :] You could use this time to do something really nice for your wife (i don't know exactly how you feel about her anymore) but if you've been getting along, send her to a spa for the day, or let her have a day to herself.
Try to keep your family together.. it usually works out better that way (unless your wife remains abusive and hurtful)
I'm sorry I wasn't much help here, I'm not very experienced in this department. A few columnists I recommend asking directly (just copy/paste this question to their inbox) are younggrandma, Xenolan and WiseAl. They're older than most of the users on this site and have far more experience with this kind of thing.
Again, sorry I wasn't very helpful, and I sincerely hope everything works out for the best for you and your kids.
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