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Grad student seeking advice on how to handle false rumor
In high school, I was picked on a lot for being a little nerdier (big glasses), less well-dressed, and also less affluent than most of my peers. Now, I'm of grad-school age and I'm the subject of a false rumor that sounds pretty bad and has been quite damaging to my reputation. (In high school, I ignored the rumors and just concentrated on my studies. People just dropped the rumors about me because i deliberately isolated myself from them and seemed not to care.) NOW, during grad school, i'm the subject of new rumor(s), I've ignored the rumors for about eight months or so, but they have not died down. Instead, they have escalated, and more and more people are talking about it.
The rumor going around school is that "X girl saw me masturbating in the library bathroom." I have pretended not to hear it, and have ignored it for some time, but like i said, the rumor has escalated instead of died down, and now it's starting to annoy me that the grad students are talking about it so frequently, and the fact that i have overheard the rumor repeated for so long (several months). Now, although I know who the originator of the rumor is (I have heard her name repeated many times as the source of the rumor), I don't really know her as a person--I've never talked to her before. I don't realize why she started the rumor other than the fact that I don't dress as well, I'm not as pretty or popular, I'm not "cool", I don't appear to be wealthy or cool(from my clothes you can tell), and the fact that she picked me to start a rumor about because I'm an easy target--kind of nerdy, the shy, introverted type.
My question is, since I now have overheard it so many times who the originator of the rumor is (almost every single day), should I just email her and ask her to stop? I've already asked all of my friends who told me, "Just ignore the rumor. It's so stupid that they have got to stop spreading it and talking about you. Don't email her. If you do that, you'll just trigger her to create even more rumors about you [i.e., she could say that you are harassing or threatening her by emailing her and that you are a crazy, violent person, etc]."
I.e., "Please stop talking about me. I didn't do anything to you, and I'd just appreciate it if you please let the rumor die and talk about other stuff. Thank you," could be taken out of context, and she could spin it as, "She actually emailed me, told me to fuck off, and then threatened to hurt me. Now, she's harassing me. She's totally off her rocker, and this is harassment."
The reason my friends think this is a poor idea is because they believe she will spin or take out of context whatever polite email I write her and spin it as harassment or something crazy, etc.
Anyway, all I want is for the rumor to stop and for people to stop talking about me. I realize that it is partly my fault--I should have spoken up way, way earlier and corrected people after overhearing it the first time, but I didn't because I thought it was so ridiculous (and also technically unfeasible) a rumor that it would certainly die down.
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If it really was a rumor it probably would have died down by now. My guess is that the girl that started it did, does, and will continute to believe that what she is saying is the truth. There was probably either someone that looked like you masturbating in the bathroom or maybe it really was you but she misinterpreted what she saw or heard. Grad school isn't high school. People don't just pick out other people and make up stories about them. It's got nothing to do with how you're "nerdy" or "not cool". Those kinds of things die down in college. Don't look so far into it and don't get so angry about it. My advice to you is to talk to the girl in person and get things straightened out. Don't attack her. You don't know her side of the story. Ask her what it is in a calm, collected, and nice way. Sad to say, the rumors probably won't stop. However, if you can straighten things out with this girl and ask her to tell people that it's not true, people will at least know the truth and it will become more of a joke to them than a viscious accusation. Good luck.
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Actually, I don't know if you could have put an end to it by correcting people earlier. People would still believe what they wanted to, and might have seen you as guilty for being defensive. Continue to ignore her, unless she is really harassing you in other ways, in which case you need to report her to your campus administration. She could be psychotic. Your friends are correct about not giving her any more reason to bug you. The silly thing is that the gossip besides being a little embarrassing, is really not that harmful. Every guy on campus and quite a few girls have probably masterbated in a school bathroom or wherever they could at the time! It is nothing abnormal or weird even if it was true, so let people believe it if they want to. You could say to someone that you hear talking about it something like this: "I think it is hilarious that this girl that invented the rumor thinks the worst thing in the world would be for a girl to masterbate! How uptight! Or maybe she is just turned on by the image of me...ewww, I hope she doesn't stalk me, ha-ha!" ;)
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I think you should confront her in person and see how she reacts.
If she is acting so much bigger and better than you by spreading a stupid rumor, she should be able to look at you in the face and be forceful about what she tells you.
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Looks like people don't grow up even in grad school... Sorry to hear about this.
A good thing to do would be to go to the staff. Have them talk to this girl about it. After she's been warned, if she does it again you might be able to file a complaint. Don't talk to this person alone, because if she did want to try something nasty, it would be her word against yours. But some how, perhaps you can get this recorded by the staff or even by the police, and if it is, that could scare her into backing off. I'm not sure, but I think it could be considered harrassment, possibly even sexual harrassment.
Why she's spreading rumors about you I have no idea. Some people are just like that and have to bring others down to their level to feel good about themselves. It's sad to see that it doesn't stop after high school.
Good luck! I hope this is of some use.
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