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My Dad Still Parties...
This is probably going to be very long, so thanks in advance for reading all the way through it. I'm 22, my Mom and Dad are both 42. My mother has always been the sensible, more mature, (sometimes overbearing) one, while my Dad has basically never grown up. They divorced when I was 5, and have both since remarried twice. My dad just got re-married tonight actually. To a 35 year old woman named Carla.
More background: my Dad has been partying since he was 15, its why his first two marriages didn't work out. He's an alcoholic (not the abusive to anyone else kind, but the kind who drinks maybe 40-45 beers a day and really depends on it to manage his mood, stress, etc.- its sad) and still has the same old buddies he grew up with who are drunks as well. He's not completely pathetic, he's held a good job for 25 years, never puts anyone in danger, and never drank around me until I was 19.
After him letting me down again and again and not talking to him for sometimes months at a time, I chose to just accept him for what he is, I love him, and want him to be a part of my life. He's my dad.
Carla is really sweet and fun. She acts young for her age, which can be annoying but, we all have a good time together.They just moved into a house out in the sticks which I thought would be a great place to have my Annual Halloween party (its the biggest party I throw), I don't have anywhere else to have it this year. My Dad, Carla and my Dad's old buddy Leroy want to be there and party with us. I feel weird and guilty about the idea. Because I actually think that my friends and my Dad and Carla, all of us would have a blast. Even Leroy's a great time. But, I mean, we've been out to dinner and had drinks before, but I've never partied with them. Do some kids do this? Or is it just weird and thats it? Is it just redneck? Or is every situation different with fathers and daughters?
They're totally cool with as many people as I want to invite, we can get as wild as we want. They have a pool table and room to dance and I know Carla will love helping me get everything ready.
I know he's not winning parenting awards here. I also know that I'm an adult, maybe I should just take advantage of it, I'm starting school in January and will have to buckle down, so. But then, maybe I'm encouraging him to drink and continue to party like he's young. I really do want him to quit drinking like he does. Am I being a hypocrite, or is it his problem? Like, I look at him as more of a friend than a father. He never really fathers me anymore. You know what I mean? What do you guys think? Help. I'm guilting myself to death. Thanks.
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That's a really great question, and yes I read the whole thing. :) It's normal for fathers (especially alcoholic ones - I had one) to be more of a friend once the child is older. I know my dad let me down time and time again but when I got a little older I'm sure if I was a partier we could have partied. You partying with your dad doesn't make you a bad person. He's going to party regardless of what you do, so I'd just enjoy the time. Try to have fun. Loosen up and live a little.
And on a side note I don't party and don't condone it but once in a while some people need it! As long as it doesn't become a regular thing I think you should just go and have fun with it. Get close to Carla in the process. Step moms can be GREAT!
Good luck, and stop feeling so guilty! No reason for it girl! :)
OH and P.S. it's not redneck! lol. My mom took me to a casino and a bar when I turned 21. I love hanging out with her.. maybe makes us LOSERS but not REDNECKS! :P
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Hey
Ok I am now 31 when I was 20 my parents divorced. They also both left their jobs of being ministers. Soon after my mom, who I have always been close to, was very lonely and hurt (my dad cheated on her) so I took her with me to the bar one night with all my friends. At first it was really really weird, but as time wore on it became alot more comfortable. (And I am in no way shape or form a redneck!!! lol)
I think you need to go into this accepting that you may be uncomfortable in the beginning. Also you should probably make a "deal" with yourself that whatever happens at the party stays at the party. Don't throw things that happen in your dads face when he is sober just have a great time and enjoy your friends. You are now embarking on an adult relationship things will change and sometimes for the better, sometimes not. You now no longer need a full on parent as you did when you were young. Your dad obviously loves you alot if he never drank around you until you were 19 that probably took alot of effort on his part.
Hope I helped you, good luck.
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I think, just to summarize this all, that the reason you are feeling guilty is because including your father in this party implies that you consent to his partying and drinking ways.
So, are you okay with his partying and drinking? I know you don’t like it and that you recognize it as a problem in his life, but if you say you love him and accept his as he is, does that include the drinking?
I’m not trying to judge anyone here dear, just trying to point out that his drinking, while it is definitely his problem, is only yours if you choose to make it. If you feel your love for your father demands that you discourage this behavior, then yeah, partying with his is not just a good idea. Partying with him sends him the message that you accept him completely and that his shorting comings and drinking are a-okay with you.
Now if you do accept these things as just part of you who your father is, then you have no reason to feel bad. You are not responsible in the slightest way for his drinking. He doesn't need any encouragement to party and you aren't enabling him in his drinking either. He is a bloody adult, his choices are his own.
So the only real issue here is how you feel. If you feel that what your Dad is doing, although it’s not great, is okay, then go ahead and have your party and know that you are sending you Dad the clear message that you consent to his behavior. However, if you think the way your Dad lives isn’t okay, that you don’t want it to continue and that you loose respect or love for him because of it, then you shouldn’t go ahead with the party and just tell him, that even though you love him and know he is an adult, you aren’t comfortable with the way or amount he parties and drinks and just can’t be okay with it.
Either one is a totally valid choice. You don’t need to parent your father or try to fix him, you just need to be honest with yourself and him, about what you think is okay and what isn’t.
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i know im 13 but im just trying my best i know you wanna have a big bash but being drunk or having beer shouldnt be the way a party is when you enjoy eachother company not drink your self to an early grave dont have any alchohol and use fruit punch or anything else to drink that means no one passes out so you can party longer you should have one big bash before you have to buckle down for school i hope my advice works
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Don't bring yourself down so much, the fact is, you are now 22, starting colledge, and your father is treating you like an adult. I suggest you find a middle way with things, point out to him that he is you father and there are times that he should step up. also point out that he can alsp be your buddy. the halloween thing seems like a good opratunity to bond with your new step mother and with your father as well. of corse you want him to quit drinking, but at this time in his life is sounds like he has become overly dependant on it, i suggest that you wait it out, as he get older he will grow more mature a realize that he needs to ease up on the beer. my father drinks alot, i wish he wouldn't but there is really nothing i can do about it. sooner or later you will have to talk to him about his drinking problem. one day he will walk you down the isle proudly as you get married to mr. right. and i know you dont want him to be the one that ends up getting drunk at the reception, or in some other situation involving him watching after his grandchildren. well, i hope i helped in some way. but who knows, im only 15:)
Tianna Audra
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