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Son and Girlfriend
Tell me please, what is the best way to deal with adult children who live destructive lives? Is it ever okay to say "I have had enough and I want you out of my life" I mean I love my son and couldn't deal with that well, but I can't deal with this either. He's lazy, won't work and is in an abusive relationship. He's on probation for an old charge, but is likely to screw up again if he keeps going this way. He refuses counseling, but has no money or a job anyway. I cannot do tough love, and I don't even know if that really works after talking to other parents. I love him I really do, but he (and his gf) are hurting the rest of our family. Anyone been there?
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Hiya,
I have been there. Not as the Mother but as the sister of a boy (as I still can't bring myself to call him a man)
He sounds very similar to your son. He was lazy, wouldn't work, smoked cannabis all day, was abusive to my Mother and younger brother.
My Mom tried everything she possibly could to straighten him out but why would he want to do that when she will support him/ feed him/ clothe him etc
In the end it got so bad that the only option was what my Mom now calls "Short Sharp Shock treatment"
He stole money from my little brothers piggy bank which, I think, was the straw that broke the camels back, and she rented a room in a hostel for him, paid for it upfront for a month and packed his things. (He even had the cheek to ask her for a lift!!!!) She told him not to contact her or any member of our family until he had got a job, stopped smoking weed and found himself a permanent place to live.
It broke my Moms heart having to do that to her Son but it was for the greater good of everyone else in our house and also in the long-run it will be for my brother.
I'm not saying he's perfect now but 8 months down the line he's got a job and moved into a small flat of his own, he still has a long way to go but it was probably the best thing she ever did for him and for my little brother who was picking up Scott's habits.
Whatever you do I hope it all works out.
Take Care
Mel
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have a mother & son day maybe were you spend the day with eachother to like be like a nice little day without his g/f maybe like a carnival. i know it sounds korny but... he also might not approve of it. hey maybe you should trythe show "parental control" on mtv. these are all suggestions.
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I can't really add anything to what younggrandma has written except that sometimes only tough love will do.
You cannot be expected to support him for the rest of his life and it is not your job to do so.
You have got to have a life as well that is happy and meaningful without having to worry about someone who is old enough to look after themselves.
I wish you all the very best with this.
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My son laid around the house doing nothing at one time too. Had to finally boot him out and it worked for me. He is now married with 5 kids and is a productive member of society.
We simply told him, you have 30 days to have a job and a place of your own. If you have a job in 30 days but need to save up for first and last months rent or something we may be able to let you stay a while longer. Time limit (and there would have been one) determined at that time.
Well we didn't get that far because in 30 days he didn't have a job. Hard to get one when you sleep most of the day. So, in 30 days he was out.
Did we feel bad? Oh you bet! Was probably the worse thing in the world for a mom to do. But, he tells me now that it did him good. Even friends are only going to let you crash at there place for so long!
That is all I can suggest.You can't have the rest of your family learn from his bad habits. Sometimes you have to do what is best for the others.
Very best of luck. :)
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