|
How to stop overparenting
It seems silly to start off with, "I have this friend who..." but unfortunately that is the case. I , in fact, HAVE a friend who is severly overparented. Her mother has always been a beast of burden, constantly calling, worrying, ranting about how she's being rude or distant or gaining weight (she's 5'9 and 110 lbs btw). The constant nagging never ends. The biggest problem is that she's 20 years old now and it hasn't stopped. She had to come back from college because of an illness and now has to stay with her family until her treatment is over. She has a 10:00pm curfew because her mother refuses to go to bed until she's home. She calls every hour to make sure she takes her pills and asks where she is and what she's doing and whom she's with. My friend has, of course, addressed the issue, but her mother is so consumed by denial that when her daughter says, "You hurt my feelings" she simply gives a condescending laugh and replies, "No I don't." It's really that bad. All the research i've done on over-parenting seems to focus on a child's first years. She is almost 21! She has a younger sister who gets the same treatment. And unfortunately this constant smothering has left her with very little confidence to break away or stand up to herself. If anyone has any personal experience (on either side of the issue), comments, or advice, it's much appreciated. On yes, and her mother says she's simply too busy for family therapy.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Dear Severly overparented,
Im sorry your mom is so protective of you,if your that skinny you should seriously think about putting on weight rather than losing i. If your mom is really that worried about you and your sisters safety show her that you are responsible, then she will give more freedom when you aren't.
]
Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend's mother is set in her ways and isn't willing to change. Since she's not willing, your friend is going to have to make the break and put her foot down. I would suggest she start by making a visit to the student counseling service at her college. The counselor will be able to help her work through her feelings and gain the self-esteem to stand up to her mother. You can also help by encouraging her. Let her know that she's an adult and her life is hers to live. The mother may never change, but once the daughter learns to set boundaries, it will be somewhat easier for her.
My mother was a lot like the one you described. I finally got to the point where I limited contact for my peace of mind. I started screening my calls. If I did answer and she started with the remarks, I told her I wasn't going to listen. If she continued, I hung up the phone. She didn't like it, but I stood firm. At one point, we only spoke through email for a couple months. Once she realized I was serious, she backed off some.
]
First, do some background check. There could be reason which only her mom knows or it is within the family that others do not know about.
I am sure as a mother, she just wants to protect her children.
Communication!!
Talking it out is one of the best solutions. And i don't mean just by saying, "you hurt my feelings." The daughter has to learn to be a little bit more ASSERTIVE and AGGRESSIVE when making a point to the mother. BUT NOT to the extend of screaming and shouting resulting in a fight.
Her mom sounds like the character "BREE" in Desperate Housewives.
But i can see where the mother is coming from, she is just concerned about her daugther's condition. Perhaps, in the past, she had a traumatic experience of losing someone dear as a result of bad health conditions. She could be blaming herself for not doing anything then and ratifying the mistake through her daughter. Very natural thing to do. Plus, she IS a mother. Maternal instincts rule.
What about her younger sister? The younger one may be getting the same kind of treatment as a sign of equality and fairness. Perhaps the mom is just trying to make the older daughter feel less tied down. "I treat all you siblings the same way. There is no room for you to say that i am unfair and controlling you"
No offence, but all parents have a certain kind of mentality in dealing with their children.
Get the daughters to talk to their mom and ensure that both sides are heard. Listening and understanding is the key to communication.
]
well,i am 16 and my parents used to be like that previous summer.Now they are not like that.What i did?I talked to them and i told them what i was feeling.I did not say"you hurt my feelings".This is normail.It took hours.I told them what i was feeling...They understood...
If it will not work then she should do what others do(it works).
1.Stop answering at the phone calls
2.Stop telling her where/who/what/how/when etc.Feel free to do whatever she wants.
3.behave like there is no mother
4.Stop talking like before to her mother.
5.behave in the way she wants...She should do whatever she wants.
6.Ask father's help...
I hope i helped...
]
More Questions:<<< Previous Question: =[
| Next Question >>> pain..
|
|