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MY mother don't do anything!
My mother and I have jsut started talking about a year ago. She was with a man I did not like and she choose him over me after he crossed a few lines that should have never been crossed. Well everytime I have something important come up like surgery or graduating from something she does not show up. She makes these big excuses and blames everyone else for her not showing up. Now I understand that she lives 12 hours away from me, but when she is offered a free trip up here with someone else I think she should take it. Ever since my little girl was born my mother has only seen her 4 times. I feel like I'm the one that has done something wrong. Should I feel this way? How can I tell her that she is hurting me and don't even act like it bothers her? I'm very confussed and feel like I"m the one to blame for her acting this way. Could you please help!!!!!!!
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First of all you are not to blame for your mother's actions. Nor are you responsible for them. She is a grown woman. I'm afraid talking to her about how she makes you feel will only cause further heartache for you. She has been this way your whole life. If she acts like it doesn't bother her then it probably doesn't. I'm not telling you to write your mother off or have no contact with her but don't give her the importance in your life that she obviously doesn't deserve. As far as her not seeing your daughter, that could be for the best as she may cause your daughter the same hurt she has caused you and you certainly don't want that. Focus more on the people who love you and HAVE been there for you. Thats where your true family is.
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I think your mother was very neglectful of you in the past and is continuing to do so now.
Rather than just hack away at your mother, I have to ask-- you do not mention your father at all. What does he think of this? Have you talked with him about your relationship with your mother? Was he your primary guardian when you were growing up?
Judging from what you've said in your letter about your mother's actions, she moved on long ago. She has problems accepting her responsibilities-- and that includes both showing up when she says she will rather than making excuses, taking the blame when it is deserved, and being emotionally present for her child.
If, when you were younger and certainly had greater needs, she was willing to ditch you to chase after some stupid boyfriend, then, she must think that now, as an adult with your own child, she can get away with doing even less for you!
She has made it clear that you are not very important to her life in all of her actions and in all of her lack of action (when action is necessary.) I think you should sit her down (if you can even get hold of her) and talk to her in person.
And I think you should lay out her record, firmly, but gently. And you should tell her that if this is the way she's going to be, having a mother like her is like not having a mother at all. This woman DOES NOT LOVE YOU. She only loves herself.
And I believe in SUBSTANCE over STYLE. Just because she wears the title of 'mother' does not mean she's acting like one. She is merely your biological bridge into the world but she has done no emotional bridge-building between herself and you.
Do not succumb to the sentimentalists who carry on with their claptrap about how you should bond with her and make it all right and all that jazz. It is stupid to go through the motions of making up to her, and giving her an excuse to play-act (part-time) her way through an important familial role. She's either totally in it or she's got to be out. Why go through the charade just to pretend that everybody's one happy family when she's clearly not even seeing you as someone in her circle?
It takes two to bond, and while you are perfectly willing and a very forgiving person, I should add, she is not showing any real willingness. We cannot force people to love us, no matter how much we love them.
Cut her loose, because she has cut you loose long ago. Focus on your relationships, your little girl and the father of your little girl. They are the ones that are deserving of your attention and love, not your biological mother.
You are strong, to have survived her neglect, and to have built up your own family. You do not need her love, you do not need her approval. You have yourself.
Best of luck,
Old Mongoose.
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There could be a great many reasons for your Mother's behaviour but I think it's perfectly fair to view it as unacceptable, especially in view of the presence of a Grandchild.
Regardless of what happened all that time ago with the man she was with, you are still her daughter and she is still your Mother. What happened then shouldn't destroy what you could have now and she needs to understand this. Unfortunately, as we get older, it's easier to become set in our ways and the chances are, she might feel ashamed of her actions at the time but is too proud to do anything about it.
Whatever her feelings, you both need to sit down, face to face and discuss it. If you feel she needs to at least see more of her Grandchild, you should tell her that. You have EVERY right to be hurt and to feel what I can imagine to be severe betrayal that she sided with this man after what happened. You should tell her that you feel betrayed and hurt.
However, you need to be sure you are ready to tell her all this because it sounds as though she's trying to bury everything that happened back then in her mind by avoiding it and she may not like the past being dug up again. Judge what you do and say very carefully but I do think it needs to be said, at least for your sake.
Good luck.
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Your mom probably has some serious issues in which you can't do anything about. I know that may be cold, she is your mom after all, but that's something you need to understand before you can start kicking away the unnecessary guilt.
Your mom has decided to not be involved, to not act like a mom, and to plain be irresponsible. You're not her conscience.
Other than the plain fact of she's your mom, why do you want her to be involved with your life or your child's? Even if she does finally visit, it may be a repeat of the past or worse.
While our situations are far from the same, there are some things that I do identify with, so I'm not just some ignorant stranger. However, hard as it may be, sometimes you just have to accept that someone who should be close to you, is not.
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