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He's Damaging us
My boyfriend of two years is really having some issues. We're both 15. And he has an obsession with a band about killing and it is plain nasty. I accept the fact that he loves his music, don't get me wrong, but it's seriously hurting our relationship. He has a MySpace, and I can't stand to see what is written on it. Tonight I looked at it and he was talking about how hott some chick was that his friend was dating and talking about how awesome weed is, and yet he seems to agree with me that weed is a really low and stupid thing to do. He is a completly diffrent person when he's with his friends. I know that he's not suppose to act the same as he does atround me, but it's really diffrent, I feel like I don't know him and we've been together for two years! I've talked to him about what he says on the MySpace, and he tells me that his friend got on his name and wrote it. Everytime I try to approach a serous talk with him about how his music and the way he acts damages us, he takes it like I hate his music and I want him to stop listening to it. I want him to stop acting out the music, and acting like an idiot when I know he's so much better. Can anyone give me advice? I understand that the length of this question is long, but I do promise that I will let you know how great your advice was. Thank you so much in Advance.
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Well I read everyones advice, and I agree that this is a tough one for you.
I just wanted to add one thing to consider. It was suggested that he is trying to fit in, be macho etc etc. That is possible. However, in my experience guys are more likely to act like themselves with their friends. Also they are more likely to put on some act for the girls (sometimes this can be really elaborate).
If he is trying to fit in its one thing, if these are already his friends then I would seriously consider the possibility that this is who he is (at least right now).
The thing about his friend getting his name for MySpace sounds like a load of crap. I am curious did you seem to catch him off guard when you told him?
Now, he will very likely change. Often young people go through weird phases. However, you guys being 15 and all, it could be a matter of years if you are unlucky.
Really I dont know what advice to give you other than to try to talk to him again. Try tell him exactly what you told us... start by saying you dont mind his music or whatever, but you dont understand the way he chooses to act. Let him know (nicely) that you are reaching the end of your rope. The only other option is to wait.
Good luck.
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He's trying to be cool. The person you see is who he really is. It's great that he has opened up with you and shared his true self with you. I would say just try to be patient with him. He's only 15. Girls tend to mature faster than guys and in a few years he'll get better about things. I wouldn't pester him too much about myspace. There are a lot of fake people on there and if he wants to be fake too there's not much you can do. Him talking about other girls is kind of a problem. I mean, obviously he has every right to think about them, but being with you, he definitely shouldn't be talking like that out of respect for you and your relationship. If you wanna bother him about anything, bother him about that, otherwise, just let him make a fool of himself. He'll figure out how silly he's being on his own. Most anything you say to him he'll take the wrong way. It's not really hurting anything and if you don't let it hurt you it'll be fine. He will get better about this with age. Try to be patient. I know it's hard, but if the relationship is worth it, stick it out. Good luck!
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Sounds like your boyfriend's trying too hard to fit in. When you play games with popularity, usually someone gets screwed over, and it's usually someone you care about. Guys will always act differently when they're around their friends. It might be a macho thing, they might be trying to impress them, I'm not sure. I know that it's really common in junior high and high school. It sounds like your boyfriend's very unsure of himself and feels like he needs to act like an asshole to fit in. This includes crap like making fun of girls or talking about them like sex objects, and trying everything his friends try (to keep up with them) like smoking pot, etc. I'm not sure his music taste has the intention of hurting you. I had an ex-boyfriend who listened to music about chopping people up, constantly, and he was the nicest guy ever. Just ask him not to listen to it around you.
Ok, honestly, it looks like your boyfriend's starting to fall in with the wrong crowd. I don't want to sound like your mom here, but I'd really examine everything he says closely. I'm sure he loves you, but he's also constantly lying to either his friends or you. Think about it. He's telling two completely different stories. And if he's convincing enough to fool either you or your friends, that's pretty shady. You should think pretty hard about continuing a relationship with this guy. If he's not listening to you now, and you've already calmly discussed with him the issues in a non-accusatory way (example: "I wish you'd treat women like you treat me" rather than "you're such an asshole to her") then you should begin to emotionally guard yourself. He's nearing a point where he's going to choose between you and his friends, and you might not like the choice.
I know your instinct is to throw everything you've got into making him stay. But he's a teenage boy, and they're so damn independent that he'll have to mke this decision on his own. If you try to use guilt, or get angry, or get quiet, he'll think you're trying to emotionally manipulate him. So don't give him an ultimatum, but make it clear that if he's determined to be this fake person, he's not going to drag you down with him. Hope this helps.
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