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Have I found the one or is he still to come?
I'm a 22 year old girl and my 24 year old boyfriend and I have been going out for nearly 5 years. I wasn't initially attracted to him but when we got talking I noticed he had a different, positive way of thinking which appealed to me. He was only 19 at the time but he had set up his own business at 17, had a strong desire to make money and was full of remarkable ideas. I had never talked to anyone around my own age who was so focused on their future and wanted the same things I did. He gave me a different perspective of looking at the world which then in turn lead to me starting my own business a couple years later. We both enjoy the fine things in life and are set on reaching our goals of being successful and having financial freedom so we can live the 'high life'. The problem is that when we first met we were all over each other at every opportunity, sex was a big part of our lives. We were living together not long after we met but had to move into my mums house for 6 months, 3 years ago when we were both having financial difficulties. Having sex regularly became a bit of an issue but we still got by. When he moved out we lived separately for a while and we found we still didn't have regular sex. I wasn't really as interested anymore as it felt routine and I was too familiar with all his moves. We'd already done most of of the sexual things we'd wanted to do together throughout our relationship so to me it seemed hard to spice up. My boyfriend wasn't bothered by it, he just wanted sex with me in any way, shape or form. We have now gone from having sex a few times every day to once a week then once a month to not at all. In my mind it is because there is no longer any lust. He has given up on initiating sex because he knows I'll reject him. Over the last year he's gained a beer belly and although he has never been overly fashionable I find his constantly casual clothes, never changing hair and carelessness with his appearance is getting to me - although he's not unclean. I'm no longer sexually attracted to him anymore and even though I had thought our personalities complimented each other so much that we were meant to be I now find myself picking on parts of his personality that never bothered me before. I still love him overall but I'm not sure if I was ever inlove with him. We still hug and talk to each other but only give each other a peck on the lips and no longer have sex. I do want sex but with someone who makes me swoon. Someone who is sexy, stylish, artistic and deep - things I think my boyfriend lacks. If we broke up and I found someone with these qualities would I then be satisfied? Or would I be sacrificing a valuable long-term love with someone who treats me like a princess and wants the same future? What if I got my hot guy fix then realised I'd done the wrong thing, would I ruin what I've got. My boyfriend thinks that I'd discover that I can't find my ideal and that we're meant to be but by then he says it would be too late. He'd be with someone who loves him flaws and all and wouldn't want me after I've been with another guy. We live together so it's not an easy decision to make... Perhaps we need a break? Perhaps we should stay together because this is what relationships are like after 5 years or perhaps I should start a new life but is it possible to find long-term happiness with my 'dream guy'? I'm so confused and don't want to hurt my boyfriend because he's also my friend but I need some lust in my life. Help!!!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
OK. Let me give you the perspective of one who has been married for 30 years.
You are young. You have time to go in search of your one true love if that is what you want to do. Does the perfect man exist though...nope!
Really, if you want to move on do so. Now is the time.
Now, on the other hand as far as the current relationship goes....
It seems to me that you both got so focused on work that you let your romance go by the wayside.
Are all those good qualities you found in him when you first met gone? Probably not. You have probably changed too. Everyone who starts out young in a relationship does.
If you want it to work out you are BOTH going to have to work hard to make it. It can't take just one person trying, it has to be both. And you have to seriously want it to work.
The past is history. Old relationships that didn't work out, weren't meant to. They always seem better looking back on them than they actually were in reality.
You two have to start working on the damage. I am not talking about his weight. That's important but not as important as other things. More than half of anyone's attraction is in the way they treat you and the way they see you and the world.
Its in your head. An attractive guy that treats you like shit is no good for you. The attraction is purely physical and will be gone in a heartbeat.
The can't keep your hands off each other thing never lasts. People have to get out of bed and on with their lives! So I don't think its meant to last forever like that. Its just the hook that gets you together initially.
But what keeps a couple together when the kids are sick and you've had no sleep, when the rent needs paid and you haven't a dime...well, that's something a little deeper inside a person. It really doesn't care so much that the partner is slim and trim and has the chiseled physique of Adonis. It is simply that they are there beside you, supporting your efforts, helping you out, a shoulder to lean on. You know they aren't going anywhere no matter what gets thrown at you, and you trust them with your life. That's the love you want to look for and find.
Is it the guy you are with now? Only you know that for sure.
If its him, stop questioning it and accept it. Let him know you feel the same. Cook him a nice dinner, get out the candles and some nice music, put on something sexy and get the romance back on the burner.
Gotta work on it every single day.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Forgive the rambling...I'm prone to it too. :)
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If you are looking for a person that will meet all your expecations beyond the initial phases of the relationship you are not likely to find him.
It is true that all relationships go through stages, and what you are describing is typical. We move into a more secure--comfort level, but it's not always fireworks anymore. It is of utmost importance to be friends with your lover..such as you describe. This doesn't happen with every couple, but when it does it often equals a long term solid relationship.
I would suggest trying to find ways to spice up your current love life and add a little romance, because I think you may find the same type of dissapointment with each relationship when it moves into the stage that you describe.
Best of luck..and I would like to add, you sound like a very smart mature 22 year old. You should be proud!
Here's some ideas:
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You're gunna "get used" to whoever you're with. I say "get used" because that's what it sounds like you are with this guy. He offers no suprises, no sexual excitement, and nothing new any more to you. You're bored. His gaining weight and nonchalence about his appearance hasn't been a turn on either. You need to do a couple of things here. The first is to have a long talk with your boyfriend about all the things that are bothering you. Maybe you can work out together. It would cause you to spend more time with him and he'd lose the beer gut. Secondly, go to a counselor if you're serious about this guy. You've been together for awhile, this is like a marriage except you're not actually married. It sounds like he's financially secure and he really cares about you. Clear the air with him about what's making you unhappy, sit down and think about your future with him(see if you could picture yourself 30 years from now with him), and somehow find a way to spice up your sex life. There's always something new you could do there.
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i like the other persons answer that told you to go see a counselor. it might help you to realize why you are feeling this way. i dont think that you should leave him because you really love him, but you need to find a way to work it out.
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This will happen with any guy that you are with. After awhile the passion fades in any and all relationships. If you leave this guy and find someone else, the very same thing will happen to you in a few years almost guaranteed. If you keep searching for everlasting lust on your own, this will happen over and over again and you'll go through so many relationships and probably divorces too, never finding someone that you can be happy with. You two need to see a relationship counselor. If he won't go, just go yourself. A counselor can really help you and give you ways to spice up your relationship or cope with and understand the downward slope of passion that you're going through. I really hope that you both go, it will help so much. Good luck!
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