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Excluding our family - it's not fair
I have a concern that eats at me. I cannot just put this to the side and not say anything any longer. The problem lies with my mother-in-law. I do care about her deeply and am very hurt by what has been going on.
Here's the background of myself, I have been married for 5 years now, we have a 4 year old and just had a new baby in Februrary. My husband is the oldest of 3 sons from his family. The middle brother just got married in February- this brother picked our due date to get married (which is another story). As the parents of the bride and groom, my in-laws were expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner...which they did...this was in excess of $700.00. Plus she bought a new dress for the wedding and bought the new bride and groom a wedding gift - this is all understandable. What is not understandable is my husband and I had a baby shower at the beginning of February, 3 weeks before due date/wedding. The mother-in-law did buy the cake (which was very sweet) for the shower however, never bought the baby a gift. She keeps saying she will buy something but doesn't. My birthday was also in February, she never bought me a gift, not even a card. We have the baby and she still has yet to buy the baby anything. My husband's birthday (her own son) was in March - no present - no card - nothing for him either. Now her younger son had his 21st birthday in April and she bought him a really nice gift. In the 5 years that my husband and I have been married, we have been over maybe 2 times a year (other than Thanksgiving & Christmas) to eat. Now the son that just got married in February and his new wife are over there for dinner at least 2 times a week. She did have us over approximately 3 weeks ago for dinner but she stressed to us that she may not be able to have us over because she may not have the money. Again this week she mentioned she would like to have us over "if she has the money" (we have offered to even buy the groceries - she has declined). We do not eat more than the average person.
I am extremely hurt that 1. she can afford a 700 rehearsal dinner and a gift for the bride and groom but can't afford even a $10.00 outfit for her new grandbaby 2. She can afford to buy her youngest son a birthday present but can't afford to buy her oldest son a birthday present (my husband) 3. Can afford to have the new bride and groom over for dinner a couple times a week but has a financial problem when it comes to inviting us over for dinner.
We have no weird time schedules; we are not picky - I will even help clean up after dinner (unlike the new wife). My daughter is well behaved.
On her behalf they are not financially set*(which makes this more frustrating that they can stretch their money for others but not for us). Another thing I can think of is that they are not much of cooks so she may be helping them out in this aspect. But if this is the case, it's not fair because my husband and I could have used help in the beginning of our marriage as well. The new bride and groom do not go to school but my husband and I were in our senior years in college when we got married and Lord knows we struggled, especially financially - we could have used some help too.
I do know she loves me, especially her own son. I do know she does not like the new wife very much. I just don't understand and am extremely hurt, I can't stress how hurt I am from this because I do care about her so much. Please advise what to do. Should I say something to her or any other suggestions. It's just not fair
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Don't say anything. Just forget it. Presents are not that important. Maybe they aren't inviting the younger son over, maybe they just show up. I don't think not getting the new baby a gift is a manditory thing. Perhaps she forgot over time. I think you should not dwell on these unimportant things. If it bothers your husband he can say something to her about it. You though should not. :)
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First, remember there is always favoritism... in every family with more than one child. It is ugly and crude, but it has always existed even in the biblical days. However, that may or may not be what your husband is experiencing.
What I suspect is that she is used to you. She doesn't need to impress you anymore. You know she loves you and she knows that you know it. Maybe buying the expensive gifts for the other brothers' family is just her way of trying to impress the new in-laws.
It is hurtful to see this behavior, which seems blatant, be directed towards your children. But remember, she is the grandmother and if she loves you and her son, she loves your beautiful children as well. Chances are she doesn't know that her lack of gift-giving is even an issue.
My suggestion is to talk with her. Tell her your concerns. Be gentle and unjudmental. Don't scoff at her response and respect what she has to say.
Don't be so materialistic. Don't focus on what she does or doesn't BUY you. Be more concerned of the time she spends with you and your little ones. Also, do not compare your gifts to the ones she gives them. You will never be satisfied. Instead measure the gifts that you HAVE received against how much you really needed it. You'll be MUCH more content.
What is her relationship like with her sons'? Perhaps she knows that your son is more 'settled' and responsible. He will provide what is necessary. She may feel that if she doesn't provide for the other family, it might get overlooked.
It seems to me that she is proud. When you offer to buy groceries, it is unacceptable. Depending on location, it may be more convenient for the other in-laws to visit and she doesn't want you to pay for your own meal or come out of your way with extra expenses. That would bring on much guilt. You are misinterpreting her actions. And this is common. You have spent so much time stressing over it, holding it in and making your own conclusions that you don't realize that there are a flurry of possibilities as to why she behaves this way. The best way to clear this up is good old fashioned communication.
Surprise her. Take her out to lunch. Put it all on the table. Don't ruin her appetite by attacking her or judging her. Simply let her know how you feel. She'll understand and let you know why she does that. Explain to her that you don't mind buying your own groceries, it's the quality time that you are seeking.
Good luck.
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I would speak to your husband about it first. It's possible that he has an understanding with his mother that explains these things.
It may also be that she knows that you and your husband understand that she loves you, but feels like she has to prove it to his younger brother for whatever reason. Or maybe her self esteem is threatened by the new bride for some reason and she feels the need to impress her and her family.
I would suggest inviting her over to eat - maybe once a month? Make sure you give her a card on her birthday, mothers day, and other holidays. If you can't afford it, don't bend over backwards to get her a gift.
Life isn't fair. I'm sure she has reasons for what she does, even if it's quite likely you'll think they're not good ones.
Talk to your husband, make an effort to reach out. Give it some time, but if it still doesn't get better, you may have to talk to her about it.
If you do, remember to use "I" statements. "I feel left out when every one else gets to eat at your house except us". "I feel hurt when I don't get birthday cards from people who love me". You don't want her to feel attacked.
I hope things work out for the best. Good Luck, and congratulations on your new baby.
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Gifts are given, and should not be expected. If you say something to her, you will just come off as being selfish. And do you really want a gift that she was guilted into giving you. What she gives to others has nothing to do with you, so stop comparing yourself with others. Life is too short to stress over a few gifts you never recived. If you want to spend time with her, stop waiting for invites for dinner and invite her to your home instead. Stop comparing and expecting, it will never come out even.
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