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respecting my husband more
Hey. First of all my name is Jennifer and me and my husband have been married 2 years.Me and my husband constantly fight over the smallest little things and its making him tell me things like its over and he regrets being with me. For example today we got into a fight because I asked him what was wrong and he went off on me to leave him alone it turns out that he was tired but he couldnt just come out and tell me in a nice way he has to be mean about it. And I did not leave him alone I kept bugging him and I dont know what to do because he threw his ring at me and went to work. When he tells me to leave him alone I cannot do that. For some reason I have to be ok with him in order to get through the day. What can I do to show him more respect that I do really care whats going on with him without him putting up his defences? I dont know what to do I really am not ready to have my marriage be over but I dont know how to change but I know I have to?
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Jennifer -
[EDIT] Hey I read your feedback and I'm really hoping that you'll read this update, but depending on how he looks and feels when he comes home is how you'll know if you should talk to him. When he walks through that door, if he looks tiresome and frustrated, just leave him alone to calm down a bit. Do things that'll lighten up his mood a little bit like cook him his favorite food, joke around with him, surprise him, be creative! When he appears to be in a happier mood, just give him a kiss and hug him and say something like:
"Hunni, I love you so much. I'm really sorry about earlier. I know it was wrong of me to try and force you to tell me something you didn't want to and I apologize. It's just I love you so much and it means the world to me to see you happy. So from now on I won't ask you so much okay? I'll respect your wishes, but just remember I'm always here for you babe and if you ever want to tell me something I'll be here for you. I just want you to be open with me okay? I love you."
I can't guarantee the success of this, but I wish you the best of luck!
As for him leaving you, if he's been with you for 2 years something is workin. Don't get upset because of these incidents though, all couples go through the same so you're not alone. The only thing you two need to establish is open communication. I see that your husband can be very stubborn, so it'll be harder to do so, but what I'd suggest is to have talks with each other about the relationship. Remember to catch him when he's in a good mood though, or else you might risk him taking out his anger on you. Also remember not to make him feel obligated to tell you things, don't make him feel like the relationship is in jeopardy, don't make him feel like he's put on the spot pressured into something he doesn't want to do. In order to make this work, both partners must openly express themselves at ease. Keep that in mind.
If you have any more questions, drop a note in my inbox! :)
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I have the same problem with my boyfriend and I can relate to you totally!
Like you, I can't get on with my day until me and my boyfriend are on good terms. What you can try doing when you ask him what is wrong is tell him that you're not intentionally trying to make him mad, you're just concerned about him and you ask a lot cause you want to see him happy. And try to limit how much you ask him, cuz the way he sees it, your nagging him and forcing him to tell you what's wrong, which you absolutely don't want. You want him to tell you willingly right? So if he's reluctant to tell you what's wrong, just remind him that you'll still be there for him if he wants to talk, and respect his wishes and stop badgering him.
I know you'll probably feel like crap throughout the day because things are not settled and hostility is still present, but remember that he just might want to deal with his issues himself and blow off the steam in his own way and he doesn't want to get you involved in every problem he has. I hate to say, but you have to make the sacrifice to give him his much needed space although you won't be happy throughout the day.
Get your mind off of it by doing something productive or just get out of the house and go for a jog or workout. You don't deserve any of this, but in order to avoid it, just respect his wishes.
Good luck :)
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It sounds to me like your the one that deserves a little respect. He is not the only one that deserves it and do not stress yourself trying to figure out what you did wrong. Jennifer, i know you don't want to hear this but maybe your just not meant for each other. See how things go and if you need more advice let me know.
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It seems as if you and your husband have some <b>HUGE</b> communication problems, but that is still no reason for him to say things to you that are hurtful, especially if it is things that he doesn't mean and will regret later on. In order to have communication, with him or anyone for that matter, three elements must be present:
<b>1. There has to be a sender of message.</b> (The person that talks about a problem or issue that you all are facing.)
<b>2. There has to be a receiver of message. </b> (The person who listens to the problem.)
<b>3. And after the discussion, there has to be understanding.</b> (Ex. How something has made you or him feel, and possible solutions.)
Also, it seems like something else is bothering your husband that has nothing to do with him. You have to sit down with him one day when both of you are calm and actually talk about your problems, or what is affecting him outside of your home that is making him react so irrationally. When you see that he is obviously irritated, you <b>shouldn't</b> keep bugging him. That only escalates the problem. Wait until the storm has calmed before you approach him.
It is okay for you to not be okay with him, because in any marriage there will be days that you and him <b>will not</b> get a long. You shouldn't have so much dependance on him to where you cannot function properly if he is upset with you. You have to find a creative way to channel your emotions.
I see that you are placing a lot of blame on yourself, but it takes <b>two to create a problem.</b> You can show your respect for him by the things that you do for him. But he has to return that respect back to you. If all else fails, and you cannot find a solution on your own, then maybe it would be best for you two to seek marriage counseling if both of you want to make your marriage work.
I hope that I have been helpful in some way. Take care hon, and good luck to you and your husband.
<b>[EDIT: an appendage to what was said before]</b>
I just received your feedback, and I am going to add more to my advice. Seek counseling soon. If both of you have anger from your past that you haven't dealt with, then you need to deal with it now, especially if it is taking a negative toll on your marriage. Past pains is what ruined my marriage. I thought that eventually they would go away, but they didn't. If you want him to know that you want him in your life forever, then tell him. How many times a month do you have a romantic date, the way you dated when you first met? Then do that. A lot of marriages let themselves go because they forget that you should still "date" while you are still married. The only thing I can reiterate here is to sit him down and talk to him when you both are calm and willing to talk about your marriage rationally. If you express yourself better in writing, then write him a long and well over-due letter. Communication has to start somewhere. I know bad habits are hard to break, but if you want him to change, you have to be willing to change too. And that starts with you taking control of what you say and do towards him.
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Im very pleased that your willing to change things around to help your marriage, but it takes two people for it to be successful. Things you can do is to try your best not to needle him and try not to bug him so much. Little things like making his favorite dinner with candles to set the mood for the evening can really help get things back on track. He needs to put his share in as well for this to work. Hopefully when he sees your efforts, he'll start working on his part to improve the marriage. I think its all the stress of money and work thats putting a strain on you two. Behind all that, its the two of you, who are in love and joined together for life. Tell him that over a romantic dinenr with music. It can add spice and really lift your marriage up. Dont close your doors on options..maybe consider marriage conseling. Its not a bad thing if you go to it..it doesnt mean you two are crazy and you should go on the Jerry Springer show..all it means is two people want to work on some things to make their marriage work better. Dont be ashamed..because it can really help! I hope all goes well..and i truly beleive if you work on things to improve the marriage..AND your husband also works on some things..your marriage will be running smoothly in no time. Theres always going to be fights in a marriage..but by working on some things to help it run smoother..there will be a lot less. Hope i helped!
-melissa-
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Maybe you need time away from your husband. If your husband cant say anything nice to you when this happens maybe you just need time away. If he "regrets being with you" then maybe one day when you get mad you should say it to him. Then he knows exactly what he said and knows how it feels.
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