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My nagging father, everyone has one, what do I do?
I am a gay male in my 30’s, and have been in a loving, committed relationship with another male since I was 18 years old. I plan on being with this man for the rest of my life.
This year marks the 10th Anniversary of my "coming out" to my parents. Back then, my relationship with my boyfriend was already in its 5th or 6th year, and it saddened me that I could not share its joy with my mother and father for whom I loved dearly. My honesty had brought me close to them again, and their acceptance has been a true blessing. I am grateful, for I know many others whose stories are not so lucky.
But this is not why I write.
My question has to do with my father. He does not judge me for being gay. He is very proud of his tolerance, and we have had many open and frank conversations about homophobia and my experiences with homophobia.
My problem is although he is not critical or judgmental about my lifestyle, he is overly critical and judgmental about every other aspect of my life. My job, my car, my driving, my diet, my finances, my clothes, my speech, my hair, my skin, my schedule, my everything are open territory to his persistent nagging. A thirty minute phone call with him can set me into a depression for a week. It would be easier if he hated me for being gay.
I often ask him questions about life and the lessons he has learned, but he replies with mean, personal attacks on my character. I am a very successful man in my field, and I feel his concerns are unwarranted. I have frequently told him as such.
Today, I feel I am fed up with trying to make him happy. During the holidays, he made me miserable because I did not live up to his regimented expectations. When the slightest thing is not perfect in my life, I cannot be honest with him and dishonesty is what I ran from 10 years ago. I fear his lectures, and I am starting to lie to him again. I love him because he is my father, but I do not like him.
He is so proud that he is man enough not to judge his son for being gay. Believe me, I am thankful. But, how do I get him to not judge me for being HUMAN?
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ummmm i dont know if my advice might be as much help to you considering i am at least half you age LOL. IM 15 and i have a naggin father as well. He's ALWAYS telling me wut i can do better from cheerleading, to grades. lol. I've realized that men like my dad love conflict, they like to have us get all mad. So all i do is smile sweetly, and say "Thanx dad, thats an interesting idea. I'll think about it." Dont know if itll help ya out, but i hope it does.
<.::~*~ SuGa HiGh ~*~::.>
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for the added info. you shouldnt walk away like you said.you have to face it tell him how you feel and that you are who you are and he shouldnt be telling you this stuff he needs to see things in your point of view.talk to him.
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I know the feeling, my dads the same exact way...constant naggin, never good enuff. Im still trying to figure out what to do, becuase hes the onli adult figure i have left in my life, and i love him with all my heart, but im just not quit good enuff. In order to keep myself from insanity, you have to pelase yourself first, honestly your too old to have to worry about what your father thinks, you live your own life now. You make yoru own decisions, and as long as your satisfied with your life decisions, then it shouldnt matter what your fatehr thinks. I know you wish you felt like you could do things better, but in all honesty your probably doing the best you can, and you dont need his pressure ontop of it all. maybe Your dad wished he did better with his life while he was gettin older, and hes just taking in out on u. My dad does that, he wants me to grow up and become rish and famous and settle for nothing less....which we all no is almost impossible.so just be yourself, and please yourslef..good luck..hope i helped
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You can't do that. Your father is an idiot. Hes shamed because of you being gay. Maybe he hasnt told you but its most likely true, was he harsh on you before this? If not then theres your answer. Either way your father is garbage who likes to degrade many to his level where hes very lonely. My advice, your old enough to forget about him. Start trying.
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Well, maybe deep down inside him he actually does have a problem with you being gay and tries to hid it by makeing everything else about you perfect { im not saying being gay doenst make you perfect}. You have to let him know how you feel, you cant be treated like that. Tell him everything that bothers you that he says about you. A father should make your self esteem higher not lower. If you try to make him happy and he isnt its ok because you have to understand that you've done your best and if he doesnt care then its not your fault its his own.
~Brina~
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First, just ignore PiNkCoNvErSEChIk11. Being gay is not wrong, but she can believe anything she wants. And second, here is my advice to you:
It's hard to explain, but I think you're father accepts your choice to be gay, but I also think he is sad that you aren't exactly like he is. Maybe he feels he can't talk about "manly" things with you because you're gay. I just think you're father is in denial. He is attacking you as a shield so you won't suspect that he is sad inside. He's trying to get over his sadness by making you upset.
You should confront him about how you feel. He will probably take it badly at first, but you should ask your mom to help you as well. You might want to go into Family Counseling. You need to tell him that you have your own goals and those goals aren't the same as his. Tell him once you reach YOUR expectations you aren't going to reach any higher just to please him and that it's your life.
Just confront him and tell him your feelings. You'll feel much better after you do.
~Hope that helped~
~K~
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I am really sorry to hear that you are getting such a hard time from your Dad.
My father is exactly the same!
Ever since I decide not to follow his "chosen for me" career path nothing I have ever done has been good enough.
Every achievement I make is brushed to one side and something negative will be highlighted.
It is really really hard to do but the only thing you can do is rise above it.
Sit down and talk to him. Try to get him to undserstand that these comments and constant unconstructive criticisms are making you feel terrible.
Every time he says something negative about you, inside your head think about something that you are proud of about yourself.
Have you spoken to your Mother about it? Perhaps it would be worth letting her know how your Father is making you feel, she may then be able to talk to him and get him to ease off a bit.
I know it's really hard, but you said yourself you have a good job, you are in what sounds like a great relationship. You have loads going for you!!
Keep your chin up and keep smiling and if you want to talk then you know where my inbox is.
Take care.
Melanie
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