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Earning back ex husbands trust.
It has been about a year that my ex and I have been working on our relationship. I cheated and realized that it was a mistake and we have been trying to fix it ever since. We are divorced. It was what he wanted, I gave into it cause I had no room to protest. He doesn't trust me, he tells me that he wants it to get back together, but he has a trust issue and doesn't believe a word I say. I have tried everything I can think or to get him to talk to me about. He likes the time we spend together, but he says it is a friendship thing. He doesn't have the feelings of love yet. Yet I get confused because he always wants to see me, wants to hear from me at work and when I am on my way home (we don't live together), but he only looks at us now as friends. We still are intamate with each other. Friends don't do that though. I have asked how I can earn back his trust and he tells me at one time he will see it forhimself and there are times he says he may never getit back. I just don't know what to do. I want this to work and I ty so hard, just whaen it goes ok I ask how he feels and he gets mad....what can i do to help him open up? To trust me and believe my feelings are true?
Willing to help,
Mickey
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How old are you?! You sound like a friggin' teen who got married just for the hell of it. Anyway you cheated, you're the bad person. He can't get over the fact that you were a whore so deal with that. You don't just cheat and expect things to work after you say that you're sorry. And unlike what 'others' say, the divorce was not your punishment, it was not your execution. This is...the fact that he's stringing you along is your punishment, so live with it. You can't cheat and then realize that it was a mistake...hullo only whores do that... you didn't love him enough to be faithful, so he doesn't trust you and thumbs up to him for that. After screwing up like that, you'd better be willing to prove yourself bigtime.
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I can only imagine what you are going through. You regret what you did, that is clear. Now, you need to show him. He will only believe you if you can back up what you are telling him. Call him and tell him that you want to talk, asking him to come over to your house (even if you have done this before, you should do it again). Apologize earnestly to him about what you did and the resulting divorce. Tell him that you want him to give you a second try but you know that he will have to decide that on his own. Explain to him that you see now that your cheating was the worst thing that you could have done to him and to your marriage and for that you are sorry. Tell him that you know that you want another chance even though he might not think that you deserve one and that you are willing to wait for it. Let him know that you are not going to push him about this anymore, that the ball is in his court completely. If you keep bringing this up to him it might serve to further alienate him, making it that much harder for you two to work things out. You need to let him think. Do not date anyone else or let him think that you are dating anyone else for as long as you two are trying to work this out. Let him know, through action and deed that he is the only man in your life and the only man that you want in your life. Take him out to dinner, make him his favorite dishes when he comes over to your house for dinner. Be romantic, but to a point for anything over a normal level of intimacy will seem smothering. Be interested in how his day went when you speak, offer to take care of him when he is sick. In other words, remind him, in action and deed, of the wife that you were before the cheating incident, and the kind of wife you will be again if you two get back together.
Time is going to be your best friend and enemy here. Time will lessen the pain for him and allow him to see you as a whole person, not just as an incident that brought him pain. You must wait on that if you want this to work. You will feel frustrated, as though he is dragging his feet and you are doing everything that you can. Perhaps he is dragging his feet but really that is his right. He is taking a huge gamble on you by still talking to you because it keeps the memories fresh in his mind and leaves him open to more pain. It seems that he might be trying to inflict some pain back on you as well, to make you feel some of what he felt by your actions. This is good for him to do to a point. Make sure that it does not continue much longer or get worse because you do not want this to be the basis of your marriage. You are sorry for what you did. You do need to show him and make it up to him as best as you can. You do not need to pay for it for the rest of your life though. If he loves you, he will forgive you in time. That forgiveness should be complete and total, meaning that he should not bring it up in arguments or to get you to do something that he wants you to do. You two should be able to move on and leave it in the past. If he is unable to do that, then he might be unable to forgive and forget which means that a marriage between you two will never work again. Hope and believe, until proven otherwise by his actions, that he will forgive you and forget the past. Love him and show him how much that you love him by actions not just words. I really do hope that you can patch this up. Please contact me anytime if I can be of help to you. Keep your head up. Remember, one way or another this too shall pass. Take care of yourself dear.
P.S. You are the best judge on the times of intimacy that you said the two of you share but I would be careful if I were you. Make sure that he is not just using you as a physical release because, as I am sure you know, sex means much more than that to a woman and you deserve more than that. Find out where he is coming from with this (as you said friends do not sleep together) as soon as you can so that you can protect your heart.
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Maybe you guys should go to marriage counseling. That will probaly help you out a lot. If not i think you should tell him exactly how you feel, and that you would never hurt him again.
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Hey,
From the amount of calling etc he's doing, it sounds like he really does love you still but doesn't want to admit it to himself in case he gets hurt again.
Maybe marriage counselling would help?
I think that all you can really do yourself is to keep talking things over with him whenever he looks like he wants to - although don't constantly ask him if he's OK with things because that's like reminding him that he shouldn't trust you. Don't give him anything to be suspicious about, be totally and completely honest about everything, don't hesitate to tell him anything (including how you feel). The only person who knows how you can get his trust back is him - talk to him when he next brings it up :)
Blessed Be,
Rach xxx
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hey Mickey. i know it might be really hard to believe since i am only 14 and im here giving you advice on your marrige issues, but i can try. i think it is up to him when you two get back together. it seems that he is still hurt by your cheating on him and he is scared that he will get hurt again. its not you personally, its just what you did. its something like putting yourself in his shoes and how badly you would be hurt if he cheated on you. just give it some time and i promise you that he will start to open up more and more and soon hopefully you will be back together. just basically talk to him and get his perspective on how he feels about you. just remember one thing though. DONT PRESSURE HIM!! if he feels pressured he will probably take more time to decide how he feels about you and this whole ordeal. if you do get back together (and i sincerely hope you do) just dont cheat on him again (i bet your thinking yeah right but honestly most people who say their dont cheating really arent.); becuase if you do cheat on him again then that will totally loose his trust and you may never have a chance at even friends with him again. good luck and i really mean it. hope i helped atleast a little.
xoxoxox
sam
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