|
mother who adopted
i am a 36 yr old mother of 2 boys ages 10 and 3. my mother who has been married 3 times, with her third marriage adopted a special needs baby about 2 1/2 years ago. now, i know that that is a comendalble thing, but i still have a problem with this whole thing. she decided to adopt the boy shortly after i had my second son. my son was about 3 months old when she announced that she was going to get into foster care. well, that was great. so, the first child she gets to foster is a special needs boy named charlie. he has a shunt, spina bifida, and is paralized from the knees down. Not long after she has him in her home, i begin notice that she is becoming very attached to charlie(naturally so). i asked her if she was considering adopting him , and she stated "that's a life changing decsion, and she would have to discuss it with everyone in the family before a decsion of that magnitude would be made". ok that was fine. well, about 2 weeks later she called me and annoced that they were adopting charlie. i told her that i didnt think that was a wise desicion condidering her husband is 72, and she is 58, and this baby would be a life long challenge. in addition to these factors, who would care for chalrie, when they pass? also, the state care worker told her that he wold be adopted immediatly, because even though he ahs special needs, he was a whilte baby and they were adopted quickly. she took my advise as offensive and told me in a spiteful way that they were adopting him! end of phone conversation. i just didnt get it. here i have two beautiful children, who despitatly needed a grandmother, and she would'nt give them her love and time before. i even spoke with her before the adopiton about spending time with my children, because i felt she really did'nt--because she did'nt. why wasent being a grandmother enough? so, i didnt speak to her for a year. well, we've reconciled since. but i still have a problem with this whole thing. its just to weird. everything she does is about charlie. she spends no time or attention with her own grandchildren at all. she's constantly going to physical therapy, and devoting every minute of the day for this child. now, dont get me wrong, these are things you would do, to take care of a child. that s not the problem. the problem is, i believe you cant be a goof grandmothe and a mother at the same time. also, i cant believe she didnt value you me or my opinion enough to ask my opinion first. i mean she didnt have to listen to me, but she could of at leat talked with me about it. they have burned so many bridges in our family. my step brother with 2 kids has recently just cut off ties with them for this same reason. they were hurt as i as well because my mother has maybe 1-2 pictures of her grandchildren, but the house is filled with pictures of charlie. i just feel that she did'nt consider anyones feelings not even charlies when she did this. i'm sure i look like the awful jealous daughter, but its not like that. although i will admidt i am jealous fo my chlidren. for the attention i think they deserve, from a grandma the will never have. should i cut all ties from my mother, or continue to pretend to everythings ok? talking toi her is not an option, because she will not want to hear that she may be wrong.
thank you
traci
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Sounds rough! Here's my opinion...I aggree and disagree with alot of the things you said. No I dont think your the "jealous daughter" But yes I do believe that she can be a mother to this child and a grandmother to her own grandchildren. It might help you if you would actually beign to care and love her new son as if it were your brother. You looking at it like's it just some object that has taken up your mother's time is not helping the situation. You say she will not listen to you, so write her a letter telling her exactly how you feel about it. No you should not cut ties with her, despite what you feel and have every right to, she is your mother! Just make sure when you write this letter or whatnot that you do it in a non-confronting away. Dont blame her for things, that just stirs up old shit and your back at square 1. I don't think she should have to of asked your opinion on adopting that boy, that's like expecting you to of asked for her permission for to have had your first child. that's retarted. Yes she should have talked to you and told you, yea im adopting him, I love him & want him to be a part of our family. Your mother is probably very lonely right now and is seeking that attention that she get's from Charlie. He makes her feel like she is needed. I am sorry that she is not more a part of her grandchildren's like she should be. If you decide to write her a letter, let her know that your happy that Charlie makes her happy and everything but that she has grandchildren that love, miss and need her too. Best of Luck to you.
]
This is a difficult position to be in, but you need to start from where you are now. What is done is done, and you can't change that your mother adopted this boy and he is now part of the family.<p>
I don't think it's a good idea to cut contact with your mother. You've said yourself that you feel that your children deserve love, time and attention from her. If you sever contact, you deprive your children of this should your mother eventually come round and want to spend more time with them. What you need to do to improve the relationship between your mother and your children is to push at it and work for things to improve. Don't let your own issues and anger about your mother stop your children from contacting her, and her from contacting them. Phone her, chat to her briefly, then pass the phone to the boys. Invite her and her family around for dinner. Once your mother feels that you have accepted her new lifestyle, which includes this boy, she will find it easier to talk to you and her grandsons.<p>
Tell your mother how important it is for you that you that she has a good relationship with your children. Be clear that you do want her in their lives. She may well be distant because you didn't speak for a considerable amount of time, and suspects that you don't want her involved in the boys lives. If you make it clear to her that you do, that you think having a loving and involved grandparent can be a wonderful unique relationship that you'd love your children to benefit from, she may well make more effort. Reinforce this message that you want her to spend time with your children by consistant behaviour - invite her around to spend time with the children at your house, and send her family pictures to put up in her house.<p>
I am sure that your mother would like to be involved in your childrens lives, but doesn't know how given how things have deteriorated since she adopted Charlie. With encouragement however, she should realise how much you do want her involved and will slowly become more involved. It won't be an instant process, but your two families can become closer, and she can be both a mother to her own son and a grandmother to your children. All the best.
]
cut ties, the woman clearly has no sense of responsibility and reality, and unfortunately, you would end up getting stuck with charlie when she dies if you don't bail. now. she's really put that kid and you in a helluva pickle.
-hitler the goat
]
Ask yourself if you could really deal with never speaking to your mother, ever again, for the rest of your life?
It sounds like she has a huge attachment to Charlie, and that's understandable. Maybe she feels like she has to be needed, and Charlie needs her more than anyone else?
Maybe you could suggest days out all together, like picnics in the park or a family trip to the beach? Or even suggest she takes your kids out to the cinema or something? It might remind her what she's missing.
As a last resort, I'd tell her that she's going to end up with her grandchildren hating her if she's never around. My father was never around and I don't talk to him now - your kids will most likely be the same with their grandma when they get a bit older.
Perhaps you could show her this site and your question to show how much this is affecting all of you?
Good luck, I really hope everything turns out OK for you.
And, btw, you didn't sound jealous :)
Blessed Be,
Rach xxx
]
Since your mother will not have a conversation with you, why dont you try a letter telling her about what you think? Or maybe having your 10 year old confront the grandmother telling her how much he misses her as a grandma. I wouldnt cut off all ties with my mother, i have tried that with my father before because my parents are diviorced and i dont think it bothered him very much but i know i missed him. So try the letter thing, she will have to read it and even if she doesnt write back at least you know you have tried your best to get her to understand how much her in your life and your sons lifes means. I really hope i helped its a tuff decision Please email me or i.m me at "xOx Babii Dee xO" to let me know how everything goes or if you need anything else !! -Diona*
]
i may not be a mom or anything, but i think the right thing to do IS to talk to her.. if you have any other brothers or sisters, consult them and ask them if they feel the same way. if so, then you guys should get together and talk to her. if your an only child, you should do it by yourself. tell her that she's a grandmother, and she needs to act like a grandmother figure to your children and she needs to act like a mother figure to you. tell her everything you are telling us.. hopefully she'd understand. i hope i helped.
]
traci,
i understand that it is very hard to deal with something like that however i dont think that cutting all ties with her would be the best decision because just like your step brother i did the same thing and just 2 years later my mother died and i will regret what i di for the rest of my life. Also even though your mother doent talk to your kids dont you still want to have some part in charlies life? think about what i said you will do the right thing
brittany
]
More Questions: |