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abuse during childhood
My husband claims that he was physically and mentally abused by his alcoholic father while growing up. His mother and siblings claim that he is exaggerating, not one of them agree with his version. They say, in fact, that he was the one who got the most attention from the father because he was the star athlete of the family. My husband has turned out to be a very irresponsible adult, making compulsive decisions, always leading to disaster, we are financially ruined because of his get rich quick schemes, his gambling, bad business ventures, running up credit cards and bills he never intended to pay. He acts like a selfish, spoiled child, and often throws "adult" tantrums when he doesnt get his own way. He is selfish with his time, money, and belongings. Thinks of himself before his own kids. Has ignored his kids most of their life, because he would rather sit inside staring at sports games on television. Everything in his life is "all about him" He does not socialize, he has no male friends. He doesnt communicate with his family hardly ever. He has the worst habit of lieing I have ever seen on a grown up, everytime he is caught doing something he shouldnt, he lies and then covers up those lies with more lies, over and over. No matter how many times he is caught lieing, he continues to do it anyway. He lies over money, gambling, his job, situations that happen, its horrible. Does this sound like a man who was abused as a child, or does this fit the description of a man who was spoiled as a child and given privledges he didnt earn or deserve ? Im trying to see who is lieing , him or his family. He has hit rock bottom, as far as financially ruining us, his kids dont speak to him anymore, he doesnt live in our home any longer, he is just now claiming abuse, after 20 years of marriage to this man, he has never once mentioned abuse as a child. He even went as far as to go to the doctor for anti-depressants, they put him on Lexapro which is for severe depression, and he is seeing a phycotherapists. Is this just one big lie he is trying to pull off, or does he shows symptoms of abuse? The medication is making him even more distant and zombie like than he was in the first place. Normally he doesnt talk , he is silent no matter who is in the room or who comes over for parties or families gatherings, he seems incapable of striking up a conversation with anyone, unless it is a joke he heard, or sports related. Other than that, he is silent all the time. Now he's even worse. Im wondering if the medication is back firing, because he never needed it in the first place. Let me know what you think of all this. Thank you.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
AS A WOMAN MYSELF, I AM TO ADMIT THAT WE OFTEN IGNORE OUR WOMANLY INSTINCTS AND HAVE A TENDENCY TO IGNORE THE TRUTH. THE TRUTH BEING THAT YOU DID NOT JUST FIGURE OUT THAT YOUR HUSBAND OF 20 YEARS WAS THE WAY THAT HE IS. BASED ON WHAT YOU HAVE MENTIONED, YOUR HUSBANDS SEEMS TO BE CONFUSED WITH WHAT THE ROLE OF A HUSBAND AND FATHER IS. FRANKLY, I THINK MOST MEN ARE AFRAID UP "STEPPING UP" TO THE PLATE. IT TAKES EFFORT TO CONTRIBUTE AND SACRAFICE FOR THE SAKE OF MAINTAING A HEALTHY BOND BETWEEN YOUR WIFE AND KIDS, AND IN YOUR HUSBAND'S CASE HE IS LACKING. YOUR HUSBAND IS SELFISH AND LIKE THE OLD SAYING IS..."YOU CAN'T TREAT AN OLD DOG NEW TRICK". IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO START WORRYING ABOUT YOU! YOU HAVE DONE WHAT YOU CAN, AND IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT GIVE A DARN AS TO WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.
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I believe you asked this question before, except I think at that time he was still living with you. (I may be wrong.)
First, yes, I believe he has depression, and needs the medication, but maybe the Lexapro isn't the right one.
You were married to him 20 years, and from your description it sounds like he hasn't changed significantly over that time, and your marriage has never been happy. Now that he isn't living with you anymore, the best think you can do is get some counseling for yourself. It should not be "all about him" but partly about you too.
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When an individual becomes depressed, it is like a spinning abyss of torture. Every negative thing that ever happens in your lifetime instantly becomes magnified, and it becomes easy to exaggerate situations like your husband has described. Perhaps he is lying or exaggerating about the abuse he endured as a child, but I don't think it is to cover up for his gambling debts... It sounds like there is something more seriously wrong with him.
A torn father/son relationship can possibly explain why he is so antisocial towards his family and in public situations, but again, I think that there might be something more seriously wrong with him. Compulsive lying is an actual disorder that is associated with Borderline Personality Disorder... Does this sound like him?
Symptoms
Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.
You say that he is seeing a "psychotherapist". I suggest if this is actually in their title, that your husband goes to an actual psychologist or psychiatrist. The term "psychotherapist" can be used by anyone who wants to; they don't even have to possess a doctoral degree. Usually psychotherapists are people who are highly underqualified to be diagnosing patients with mental disorders. If his doctor is only a psychotherapist, I suggest that it might be a good idea to switch to a psychiatrist.
I know that I'm in no position to be diagnosing your husband's condition either. I just thought that this might shed some light on the situation. Best of luck.
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I think it's impossible to tell whether or not he was abused as a child. Even if he was, it isn't a decent enough excuse for his actions. Based on what I've heard, it's probably just another lie. If he's going to be depressed about anything, it should be based on this hole he created for his family. If he's acting worse now that he's on medication, he should stop taking it.
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