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ok i want truth ive writen a few poems and i want your feedback please
A Dad's Bad Day!!!
It was late saturday night,
when you turned on the light,
you sat by my bed,
and all I felt was dread,
I knew something had happened,
but wut I did not know what,
then you started to speak,
and then I knew,
I didnt want to believe I thought you lied,
but then you showed me where she layed,
on the ground in her home,
to what her dad had done,
She was so cold with pure love in her eyes,
I should of done more,
but she said "No its alright he didnt do it" as she stared at the sky,
this wasnt the first time she had marks to bare,
But she would say "Ooh that was Bear",
but how could a dog brusie her that bad,
The thought of this accident it seemed so sad,
As we stand above her body,
We now start looking for Mr. Nobody,
We found out he skipped town,
Now where do we look now?,
Its such a shame,
for a girl to pay,
for what her dad did because he had a bad day.
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it seems chain-lettery to me... Also, we, the readers, don't have enough of the story. It's like watching a movie without the sound and half the screen. I have found in my poems it's best to include the most important points without rhyming and not using rhymes with raw emotion. The rhymes are all a little off and it's missing some key beats in places that could be more dramatic with emphasis and strict rythym. You either put in rythym of you don't. There is no half-creativity half-linear anything to me. You either do or don't. If you're going to dance, by all means dance, don't just tap your fingers around.
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i have no freakin idea what that means, and all the rhymes are gay. *thank you for your time*~luckiedice~
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What you wrote this about obviously means a lot to you. I don't think poetry should be "graded" and stuff. It's a form of expression, and it can be whatever way you want it to. However, the "body"(I dont know what to call it...) of the poem, it's a little confusing like some people said. I'm not sure which direction you're going in with it. Try to make a common them through out...Like if you want it to rhyme or not, you know? Otherwise, it's good. I really like the last few lines, a good rhythm there.
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This is a really nice poem, but I think you should say "what" instead of "wut!" But other than that, I think its GrEaT!
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Hmmm, "insightful" poem. Would you be kind enough to have "her" write me at my personal e mail?
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The meter is weird... it sounds like you're trying to rhyme free-verse in parts and it's a tad prosey. There are a few grammar issues and the point of view is unclear, but overall it's pretty good... it definitely has potential. The last three lines are very powerful (though they would be more so without the commas).
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What rather than wut and as far as content its good poetry is expressive and content there fore can't be bad... format could use work evening it out... you have really long lines and really short ones, don't be afraid of using comma's to break or just breaking long lines in half...
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Without knowing much about you its hard to tell you want the poem means. My main concern would be to ask, are you the girl in the poem? Has something happened now or in you past with your father? My advice to you is to talk to someone like a counsellor or the samaritans who can help you work through what is obviously coming through your poems.
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You might try working with the line lengths... get a regular "beat" going... and careful with the spelling.
It's all about reworking... read it out loud to yourself or a critical friend, take a quick breath at line endings. If you run out of breath, rethink your lines. If parts cause you to trip, change them.
I'm not quite sure of what's going on in the poem... it seems like a dad is talking to his daughter about another dad who killed his daughter and blamed it on the dog... and the first (living) daughter is a little creeped out... but it doesn't come out easily. When you rewrite it, read it to a fresh critical friend and get them to tell you what happened (stuff is always obvious to the poet).
It's good that you're writing, and about an issue people should be reminded of, but it takes work to polish a poem. Days in some cases, or a while just leaving it on the back burner.
Hope that helps!
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i didnt like it i think it sounded very childish i mean not teen childish but like a 5 year old wrote it and you didnt use correct meanings of some of the words keep at it practice makes perfect
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WOW!!! That was great! You made a great poem you should really think about having your work published!
-shay :-)
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