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Please excuse the hostile title of my question, but I am VERY angry right now. I want to warn you in advance that this writing might make me sound like a truly terrible person, but like I said, I'm extremely angry and fed up at the moment with my parents and my situation.
My parents have one of the worst marriages I've personally ever seen in my life. I don't understand why they ever got married in the first place or why they have stayed married for as long as they have. It's against our religion for them to get divorced, but there are many times that I feel like they, and the rest of our family, would be better off if they got separated or something. I don't think that's against their beliefs.
If I had to tell you everything wrong with their marriage, I'd be writing all night. There are numerous ways that my parents marriage sucks, but basically, they're distant, secretive, rude, verbally abusive, and vindictive. They spend entirely too much time apart, they leave each other out of things they do with their friends that they should do together, they keep secrets from each other, they call each other names that I've never called my worst enemy, and they do things just to make each other angry. Their marriage is constantly getting worse instead of better because when one of them gets angry at the other, instead of talking about it like normal people, they just get revenge on each other.
My parents scared me out of ever wanting to get married. I know they don't have a normal marriage and I know it's possible to get married and be extremely happy with your spouse, but even so, I just never could get up the guts to bite the bullet and commit my life to another person PERMANENTLY not knowing for certain what our marriage would look like one day. I am a Christian like my parents and if I did get married, I couldn't run to get divorced as quickly as some people do. I could get separated, but only if I was desperate and my husband and I would still be joined together legally. Also, the fact that I grew up watching my parents dysfunctional marriage and have never really, closely seen what a good marriage looks like kept me from having confidence in myself to know how to be a good wife and make a marriage work.
I always wanted a family, but when I kept chickening out of marriage, I decided just to have kids on my own using both IVF and adoption. I now have a large family that I'm raising by myself and I'm extremely happy with my life choices most of the time. But on occasion, I do feel sad that I don't have a husband and my kids don't have a dad. They have father figures, but not a legit dad in their lives. I feel bad about that, especially for the boys, but what can I do now? Who wants to marry a single mother raised in a dysfunctional family who doesn't even know what a healthy marriage looks like. Even if someone did, there's not a counselor in the world that could assuage my fears about marriage.
The reason I came here is that my parents are constantly putting me in the middle of their arguments and I get SICK OF IT!!! It's not FAIR!!! They get mad at each other for things I have nothing to do with and they make me take sides, help get revenge on each other, and bad mouth each other to other people. It SUCKS!!!
While I deeply love both of my parents, despite their flaws, and have a very close relationship with my Mother, my relationship with my dad hasn't been good since I was twelve. We've been very distant and we both hate that. We try to work on it, but every time we seem to be getting closer, something happens and our relationship goes straight to hell again.
So over the past six or seven months, my parents have been working on remodeling their house. The first thing they did was remodel the bathroom my sister and I used to share. They took out that bathtub that used to be in it and put in a shower in it's place. I use that shower when I can because it's by far the nicest and one of the most spacious showers I've ever used.
Two weeks ago tomorrow, I was using that shower and when I opened one of the two glass sliding doors, said door fell and shattered. It apparently wasn't put on right. Both of my hands were badly cut up. I had a cut in my finger on my right hand that went all the way down to the bone and the glass took two big chunks of skin out of my left hand that required stitches. I had a cut on my foot and one my left arm that was DIRECTLY OVER all of the veins and arteries in that arm that can kill you if you cut them open. The whole thing scared me to death. I was very sore for over a week and although I've been feeling better and healing fast, I temporarily lost some of the feeling in the finger that was cut all the way down to the bone and I fear I might be anemic from the blood loss. That probably sounds a little dramatic, but I lost a lot of blood, more than you'd think, and I was also on my menstrual cycle at the time. I've been having symptoms of anemia since then.
I was afraid my dad was going to be angry about what happened. I was scared he was gonna scold me and make me buy a new door. I was a little scared that he would even ban me from his and my mom's house. Instead, he was nothing but worried and sympathetic towards me. He wanted to look at my hands and arm, he asked me how bad the whole thing scared me, he gave me a couple very big hugs. He couldn't have cared less about the door. It was the closest I'd felt to him in a long time. It was one of the rare moments when my dad shows me how much I mean to him and it meant a lot to me.
We've been tight since then, but tonight, my mom almost screwed the all of that up. You see, on Saturday, I wanted to take my kids to see the new Beauty and the Beast movie and my mom said that she'd like to come. I found out that she told a lie to keep my dad from knowing where we were going out of fear that he'd come along if he knew. My dad has since found out where we went and that we'd left him out of something he'd have probably enjoyed and I feel bad about that. I didn't know my mom was going to lie to him like that. I should've invited him myself, but I didn't realize how much he'd have wanted to come. I didn't think he'd like the movie. Even as an adult, I loved it, but it is still a kids' movie and a musical, so I assumed my dad wouldn't want to come, but apparently he would and now I feel like sh!t.
That incident with the shower door happened two weeks ago and today was the third time that my dad had promised to go to the closest home depot an hour away and get a new shower door. He didn't do so and my mom wanted me to confront him and be a b!tch to him thinking that he'd get it done faster if I did. Thing is, my dad and I have been getting along great lately and after the whole thing with the movie, I was scared that he already wasn't happy with me. If I went and was an @as hole to him about the shower door, then he might explode on me and our whole relationship would go south again. Especially since I was the one who broke the door.
I went to politely ask him about the door, but when he was really sweet to me and we talked for a minute, leading me to realize that he wasn't angry with me, I lost my nerve to say anything that could anger him. My mom kept pushing me though so eventually I mentioned it to him, but it didn't help much. He was perfectly sweet about it, but didn't sound like he had gone to indeed home depot and I failed to light a fire under him like my mom wanted me to. This is not a good example of one of my parents putting me in the middle of an argument, but it's what prompted me to come here.
My mom is furious with me for not standing up to my dad and telling him off about the door like she wanted me to. She brought up the times I have stood up to my dad when it was for myself and accused me of not caring enough to do it for her. I explained to her that the rare times I've had the backbone to stand up to my dad, it was because he provoked me to do so, but he didn't provoke me today. I also explained that even if I had more of a backbone, my dad didn't deserve to be berated for the door today. Yes, he should've gotten it like he promised my mom, but he had a pretty busy day and I don't understand why it's such a big deal anyway. There's another shower and a bathtub in the house. My mom does like to use the new shower, but not often it's not like it's the only place in the house to bathe.
This is what I'm sick of. My choices tonight were to either be a jerk to my dad and ruin how well we've been getting along lately or to not be a jerk to my dad and make my mom mad at me. My parents do this to me all the time. They put me in the middle and make it so I can't possibly get out of the situation without making at least one of the mad at me. My mom acknowledges that she puts me in this position. She says flat out that I have to choose between her being mad or my dad being mad at me. I've tried to tell them that I'm not getting in the middle of anything, but that tends to make BOTH of them mad me.
It's really not fair because I have done nothing to get myself in these situations. I didn't cause my parents to have such a disaster of a marriage, I don't cause their arguments, I don't cause myself to be put in the middle of their arguments. I have no options. It's either p!ss my mom off or p!ss my dad off. Their are no other options.
The only other thing I can think of that I could do is to stop being around my parents, but that is not an option. I love both of my parents very much and could never alienate them from my life.
Super sorry this has been such a long writing, but I just wanted you to know everything you might need to know about the situation. Does anyone have any advice?
Dear Ms Angry:
I agree with you entirely and I don't blame you for the way that you feel. A woman raising a family alone, should have the full support of her family.
However, this is not the case here. Your parents need space to find a solution to the problems in their marriage. It's clear that you are unable to help them right now.
My advice to you is to do whatever's necessary to find your own space, no matter how humble, for you and the kids, where you can be alone and free from conflict.
I'm sure that everyone will feel much better and everything will be much better, with just a little time to heal. Be brave and don't lose faith.
Sincerely, Grandfather.
My parents give me no freedom whatsoever and it drives me crazy. My friends are allowed to do whatever they want, even the ones with overly strict parents get more freedom than I do. I know right now, there is nothing I can do about it, but when I turn 18 I want nothing more than to move out of my parents house. The problem is I doubt ill have enough money, im trying to get into a very expensive college my parents were planning to help pay for, I don't have a car yet, and I live in Mississippi so the legal age is 21. Can anyone help me with these issues? I read online that there was a way to move out at 18 even if your from one of the states that say to be 21. Would the police make me return home? I know this is many questions, but I'm very desperate
Mississippi has a legal process by which a person under the age of 21 can apply to become an adult in the eyes of the law. The process is referred to, in Mississippi, as the "Removal of Disability of Minority" and can allow for a minor to become responsible for his or her own decisions regarding education, health care, residence, and other matters. Mississippi statutes do not provide a minimum age for emancipation, the court will decide emancipation cases in the best interest of the minor.
So I was adopted by my grandma. My mom was in my life, though. Basically my mom and my grandma both raised me. Anyway, I'm 24 and I'm living in my own townhouse with my boyfriend in a completely different county. When I lived at home, I paid the bills and helped any way I could, because I lived in the house. However, now I have my own bills I need to pay. My grandma called me constantly asking for money to pay her such-in-such bill because she couldn't afford to pay it. I refused her once, and she would always bring up the fact she adopted me and that she raised me and that I owed her for it. Then, I end up having to go to court FOR her because the old landlord sued her and she refused to go. I'm now having to pay this debt to him because I was the one who showed up. Now, again, I'm having to go to court because of something she won't pay and won't go to. I tell her that I shouldn't have to go, and she, once again, brings up the fact that she raised me and that I owe her for it. It makes me feel so horrible. I didn't ask to be born, why does she keep doing this to me? And not only that, but it is getting me and my boyfriend into HUGE fights. What can I do about this?
In my way of thinking, a parent owes it to their children to raise them. In turn, the children owe it to their own children. Obligation passes down the line and not up. Things done for the elders are out of love and kindness, not obligation. Setting limits on what you can do doesn't mean there is less love and kindness. It just means that you also have to live your own life.
Ever since I was little(I'm 17 now), my parents haven't gotten along. I don't know why they haven't gotten a divorce. They can never get along. We can't spend one day or ever go out as a family without them getting into an argument. They had a fight a few days ago and I feel like they're gonna have another one soon. And even if they do start talking to each other again (which is almost never), they just end up fighting again. They don't even talk to each other like normal parents, my dad never wants to talk about me or my brother or my sister(who has a disability). He never wants to talk to my mom about our family. He comes come, cooks for himself, showers, watches tv, and goes to sleep. He doesn't care if any of us have eaten but he always makes sure that he has food for himself. He has never even once asked me or my siblings about our school,grades,or anything and my brother's in his 4th yr of college. He has never attended any of my school meetings or asked about where I applied to college or where I got accepted or where I even want to go. It's ALWAYS my mom that has to do everything for me and my siblings, buying food, clothes, making sure we go to school and come home, cleaning the house, cooking, everything. She struggles so much to provide for us and on top of that she works at night and comes home in the morning and she has health problems. She's diabetic and a few years she had surgery on one of her legs. Even during that time he never went to see how she was doing or did anything for her. It was always me and my brother who went to visit her in the hospital every day. A few years ago when my sister was in the hospital it was always me and my mom who went to visit her every single day at night. I am just so tired of them fighting over the same things, wouldn't it be much better for everyone if they just got a divorce or were living separately. A bunch of times he has even thrown out food that my mom has bought or spent hours cooking. He throws out stuff that she buys, saying its "garbage." Why should he throw out stuff that she spent money on? She never does that to anything he buys. He also doesn't even care about my sister. She has a mental disability and couldn't finish high school. he doesn't care if she doesn't eat or drink or even get up from her bed. Never once has he given her her medication that she has to take everyday.It's always me or my mom that does it. I don't know why he still stays if he doesn't care about my mom or any of us. I don't even talk to him anymore, it's been years. I feel so stupid when I do because I know that he doesn't give a shit about me(sorry for my language). My sister is also causing problems because she gives my mom soo much stress. She messes up the house and my mom is the one who has to tell her to clean up, take her medication, get up in the morning, go eat, everything. I also have really low self esteem and I barely even have any friends or anyone to talk about this, that's why I'm writing it here. I haven't let any of my problems at home affect my schoolwork, I do well academically.It's one of the things that I actually enjoy and my goal is to get a good job after college so I can finally buy my mom a house. I don't even know if that's gonna happen.
Dear I'm 17 now,
Reading your question has brought me near to tears. This is so sad. I can only imagine the stress that your sister, mom and you are experiencing. I want you to know that I'll be praying for you all daily.
I don't need to tell you that there's an enormous difference between a father and a dad. While you have a father, it appears you're going to have to live without a dad. In fact, the responsibilities that your father is neglecting has now fallen onto you. You're going to have to step up and fill the void as best you can.
If there's no food prepared, it'll be up to you to prepare it. It's really not that difficult. You'll also have to look out for your sister. When she makes a mess, help her clean it up and remind her of her medications. Help mom as much as possible because the strain is greatest for her.
I'm so sorry but you're going to have to become an adult right now. It's going to be tough but believe me, if you can do this, you and your whole family will be much better in the long run.
I'm also going to suggest that you talk with a school counselor. There may be resources that may be useful.
(Sorry this is long, I'm in desperate need of help)
I'm 15 with very severe anxiety. Well, straight to the point, I feel like I'm being watched. I saw my dad looking at pornographic photos a few days ago (And a few times before that months apart), and ever since, I've felt weird. I felt like this before that, but now it's worse I think. I feel like my dad is a pedophile for some reason, but I think it's just my bad anxiety. For example, I don't want to go to a male therapist because I'm afraid of being molested. I have crazily bad anxiety, so..
Also, I haven't been raped before or anything nor touched by my dad. But I just feel like there are cameras in my room or something and I get scared. Also in the bathroom when I take a shower, I'm scared of a camera being in the mirror or somewhere. I also lock my door everytime I go somewhere, shower, etc. What do I do about this? Is it just my anxiety? I feel unsafe everywhere. Whenever I see my dad or come out of my room, I feel so weird and I avoid him or don't talk to him. Please don't tell me to discuss this with him or seek professional help, I'm just hoping someone can help me.
Dear In desperate need of help.
While I can't tell you exactly what's wrong, it's obvious that you're in a world of hurt. If you were my grand daughter, I would have you see the family physician. If your doctor is male, you can ask that a nurse be present during the examination. You should be as candid with the physician as you've been here in writing your question. They can make a preliminary diagnosis and perhaps prescribe something to give you some relief and then refer you to the place where the most effective treatment is available.
So I am in my late 20s, i'm a little overweight, partly due to some medication I am on. My doctor says this is normal. I am able to run, walk long distances without puking, passing out etc. Every year when I get my physical and bloodwork done, everything comes back perfect.
My mother treats me like I weigh 600 pounds. She is constantly judging what I eat and making comments about it. I am at the point where I feel extremely uncomfortable eating around her or going out with her. I am comfortable in my own skin but she obviously despises how I look, and has made some pretty nasty comments. I've told her that I'm happy with how I am but she constantly tries to make me see nutritionists or try fad diets.
How can I make her understand that what she is doing is hurtful and depressing?
Mother loves you. Mother wants what's best for you. No one in this whole wide world cares as much about you as mother.
Mother may not completely understand that you're an adult and capable of making your own choices. She may even be a bit annoying but remember this....
She carried you in her own body for 9 months. She cleaned and powdered you when you were dirtied your diaper. She got up in the middle of the night when you cried and were scared. She did a million things for you...because she loves you.
You'll have only one mother in this world and when she goes, you'll know what sadness really is.
Can't you just grin and bear it? I think you owe her that much.
These past few days I've been feeling really down. I'm a senior in highschool and I've always done good in school and gotten 90s and 100s but this year I'm getting 80s I know it's not horrible but I won't be able to make honor roll, which I really want to. I'm surprised I even made it last semester considering how my grades have dropped this year. But I'm taking honors classes and 2 AP's. I barely have any friends, only one that I really talk to in school and eat lunch with. I feel like no one likes me and thinks of me as pathetic and a loser because I'm quiet. The reason I don't talk much in my classes is because I might have social anxiety. I'm always worried about what other people are gonna say or think of me. It's always been like this.
Also I've been doing bad in gym and I don't know why but my teacher gave me a 65 today, even though I did participate. I always see kids sitting around and talking to their friends and not doing anything and she never says anything to them. I've never gotten that grade and I feel so stupid now.
I feel useless and unimportant and like no one cares about me. I have really low self esteem and I'm always feeling bad about myself. I feel like I'll never be confident. The past 3 years of highschool were fine idk why but I really hate this year. I feel so useless and lonely.
Not to mention I have problems at home too. My parents don't talk to each other, if they do they just end up fighting. I don't talk to me dad, I feel like he doesn't care about me or anyone in my family. He doesn't know anything about my school or care to ask. My mom is the one who has always done EVERYTHING for me and my 2 siblings. She works hard to take care of us even though she's diabetic and had surgery on one of her legs. Since my parents aren't speaking to eachother they don't sleep in the same room. My mom has to sleep on a sofa in the livingroom and my dad doesn't even care. My brother doesn't even have his own room and he's 23. He has to sleep in the livingroom. My older sister is disabled, she stays home all the time and isn't getting better. I don't know what to do.
Being a senior in high school, even without any complications, is very stressful, but with the added aggravations that you're experiencing, I can understand why you're feeling the way you do.
Considering everything that you've written, I believe that it's imperative that you speak with your school counselor, a favorite teacher, a minister, a relative or some other trusted adult. Print out your very eloquent question; let them read it and go from there.
Your "social anxiety" problem is common among young adults, and is particularly common to those with high intelligence. This will in most cases resolve as you gain more experience in dealing with others. In the meantime, do your best to present a pleasant, approachable demeanor in public.
Your situation at home approaches the intolerable. As there's very little that you can do to improve the situation, can you camp for awhile with an aunt, uncle or a good friend? If this is impossible, you must steel yourself to all the issues and just do the best that you can until something changes.