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Hi, ok so im 20 and female and have always been a little... odd. my first bf i broke up with a couple months ago but im over it and feel im ready to date again. im currently in university but.. as it turns out there is a very large glbt population here and most of the guys who are cute and nice to me turn out to be gay or turn around and say "im not ready for a relationship blah blah blah". i will soon be asking my doctor for a referral to a psychologist as i think i may have mild aspergers but that is a whole other story. i would like to try online dating but im very close to my family and my parents are always in the loop about what im doing, where i am, who im chillin with, etc. people might say im to old for that and should be more independent but it makes me feel more secure if they know. ANYWAYS i would like to try online dating but am not sure how to breach the topic with my family, i have just recently discussed with them going to see a psychologist and get assesed and that was kind of a big bomb. i dont want join a site, meet someone amazing and then tell my parents, "so i have a new boyfriend. oh where di u meet him? Online. :P they would flip but if the knew i was dating online they might be a little more open and supportive.
so...
1. should i bring this up with them?
2. if yes, how?
3. any insight or advice is greatly appreciated.
(link)
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Hey there.
Yes, I think you should go ahead and try online dating! There's always the Dateline specials about all the reasons you shouldn't do it, but if you're smart about it (and convince your parents that you're going to be smart about it) then it's just as safe as meeting a stranger in a coffee shop. (Which is to say, they both have their inherent risks). I would suggest OkCupid. A friend of mine made me a profile on the site and I've had a good experience with it so far, and as a bonus, it's free!
So first things first: DON'T put personal identifying information like your real name, your phone number, email address, etc. on sites like this. Don't even give them out to a guy you've been messaging for a while. Wait it out until you've met a person at least a few times and you're fairly sure they're not a creep. Oh, and you'll probably get a bunch of creepy messages on any online dating site, but you can just delete them.
Second, whenever you meet someone for the first time, make sure you have your own transportation to and from, make sure it's in a public place during the daytime, and that you also have a good friend hiding discreetly wherever you're meeting the person. In case there's trouble or it just goes really badly, you've got someone there.
Okay, on to your actual question.
(1) Yes, you should tell your parents. Of course, you could always dodge the "where did you meet them?" question by saying "a coffee shop" or wherever your first actual date was. But I'm close with my parents too, and I think it's only natural to seek their approval and support.
(2) Easy. Make yourself a profile online, then call them and give them the link. You can discuss how you've taken all the safety precautions, and that you're going into it with eyes wide open and you're not going to meet every guy who messages you. If the bar thing isn't really your scene (bonus points from parents!) then you can tell them how difficult it is to meet people when you don't go partying, and that you're tired of getting rejected by gay guys. =) You're expanding your options and the profile lets you get to know people a little bit better before just striking up a conversation with them.
I think as long as you're honest and your parents know you're being smart about it, they should be supportive.
Hope this helps, feel free to message me if you need any other advice!
~Pollux
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hey guys so my bf n i recently got n in a long distance rela recently and in that time he made some new friends (3 months of friendship only) and in the time i have seen his pics of fb ... there is always this girl that he hangs out with all the tme ... he said thta he is a gud friend of hers ... so i cant even create a big issue out of it ... yesterday he told me he ll be doing a project which he has to run every night .. that means no more talking to him .. during the week days .. n it was already hard to digest that but i was like this is for his career but then today he told me that his 3rd partner is the girl who he hangs out with a lot .. the only prob that i have is that is that he ll be spending more time with that girl .. than with me ... i know tlking on skype can be boring but i am willing to give him that much amoutn of time of my lfe than y cant he ... the pics of him with that girl r like she kissing him on his cheeks or she is leaning on his shoulder ... anyhow ... i dont know what should do i do .. talk to him bout it .. he is surely be like wth its my work ... i cant be selfish but how do i control my feelings? pls help thx (link)
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I don't want to read into this too much, but it sounds to me like you have every right to be worried. Even if he's not into this other girl romantically, he's making excuses so he doesn't need to make the effort to skype you or call you -- the only real contact you have with each other during a long distance relationship.
And to be honest, if she's in pics kissing him on the cheek and leaning on him, it sounds to me like she's trying to make some advances, and he's not setting boundaries with her.
Long distance relationships can be hard enough without the "other person" worries, so it sounds to me like you need to talk to your boyfriend and ask him why he can't make the time to call you. He can do it when he's not at work or working on this project. It's also fair for you to ask why he can make so much time for this girl (as evidenced by pics on fb) but not for you, and you can feel out what he's told her about your relationship. If he's dodgy about it or shuts you down with some simple excuse then that's a problem -- any good relationship (and especially a long-distance one!) is built on a foundation of good communication.
I've been on both ends of this situation with the "other person" and I've also done the long-distance thing: trust me, you don't want to let this fester in your mind and say nothing about it. In the long run, it ends up worse for everyone.
Hope this helps, good luck!
~Pollux
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Hello,
I am currently 19 years old. When i was working for a concert, I met an awesome guy who was the sound engineer for one of the artists. He was kinda cute so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him. We talked continuously for weeks but he lives in Los Angeles and I live in Florida. He came to Florida for a show he had to do and I went to hangout with him a second time. We clicked really well and continued to talk all the time. He bought me a plane ticket to LA and I went and stayed with him for a few days and it was awesome. He told me he will try and see me again in a month or so. I really like him, but the problem is he is 31 and I'm only 19. I haven't felt this way about a person in a long time so I don't really know how to throw it all away. I don't wanna sound immature to him either. He says he likes me but I'm curious to see if he likes me as much as I like him. Is it worth it to continue talking or should I break it off? (link)
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12 years is a big age difference when you're 19, but not SO big when you're 25 or so. I've dated some older guys (largest gap being 11 years at 22) and had great experiences with those relationships, it's not worth throwing away JUST on the basis of the age difference if you really feel there's a good connection.
However. There some other issues to consider here, and they are correlated to each other. If you can only see each other occasionally because of the long-distance thing, then it could be that he wants a casual relationship with you while still being free to pursue other relationships while you're apart. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing if you're both up for it, but he should be clear with you (and you should be honest with yourself about whether you're okay with this), if that's the case. Also, you'll probably want to make sure that he's not just looking for a young, hot girl to sleep with once in a while (the guys who will ONLY go for much younger girls are generally bad news) -- does he introduce you to his friends? Would he be willing to come and visit you? Be introduced to your friends? Does he keep in contact regularly while you're apart? Just paying attention to some of these things can help you figure that out. Or, if you're bold enough, you can just ask him. ;)
Also, if the relationship isn't casual, and you both feel that strong connection to each other, the distance itself could be a huge issue. It's hard enough when two people with an established relationship have to spend some time doing the long-distance thing, but nearly impossible to both establish and maintain a relationship long-distance. It's hard to really get to know someone from across the country, and can be very lonely when you really want them there by your side. Keep in mind that there are plenty of guys in Florida that you could probably 'click with' equally well, if not better -- and they have the advantage of being able to keep you warm at night. ;)
So I wouldn't break it off immediately without giving it a chance, but keep these things in mind, talk to him about what he wants and really question yourself about what you want.
Hope this helps, good luck!
Pollux
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Okay so I don't know what to do. I don't think I can be his friend at all cause we always end up getting back or hooking up and it plays with my emotions really bad.
A few days ago I got lunch with a mutual friend of ours and of course my ex came up. He asked me if I was talking to him still. And I said no but I didn't have anything against him. He then went on to say that he doesn't know how to feel because he's almost certain he's still relapsing because my ex said he went on a date with this girl (his parents gave him money for this) and was gone from 12 noon till 4 am. Another day he got picked up from this sketchy white truck who no ones ever met and when his dad asked he said he and his friend were going to Miami with these 5 girls.
Now I'm not sure if he's using this as a way to get his parents off his back about his drug use (oh he's hanging out with girls, maybe that means he's clean) or he is really just meeting other people. Or both... but I feel completely broken. I can't believe he said all this about wanting me and still having feelings for me and then is just going out and meeting other girls and giving his number out. I know that one girl got his number but he told one friend he didn't think he wanted to get a girl involved while he was figuring out his life. But this kills me because I thought he would come back to me if he got his life together, not just replace me.
The sad thing is I know we prob will never be able to work out from all we've been through. But that doesn't mean I don't love him and feel horrible. I wish that he really realizedhow much I was there for him. And how good of a girlfriend I was to him. Not just replace me with the snap of his fingers :'(
I've never felt this sad before and like I won't be happy without him in my life. I constantly wonder if he's going to come back this time or if he will just move on with his life :'( this month is the longest we have ever gone without talking so maybe he won't come back and has really moved on with his life. Please any help would be amazing. I feel insecure and like I'm never gonna be happy without him or find someone else :/ (link)
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I'm sorry about the delayed response, I was on vacation and didn't have internet for a while.
I really feel for you here, I've been in similar situations and it hurts. The thing is, if he gave his number out to another girl, he's not replacing you. You were a great girlfriend for him and gave him love and support, and she'll just be another one of his victims if drugs are still ruling his life. In my opinion his behavior definitely indicates relapse, and he's just seeking out the company of other people who will accept that rather than pushing him to get clean and be something more.
I know how hard this is, but right now, I think you have to let him go. For a while you're going to feel like there's no happiness in your life, miss him terribly, feel like you won't find someone else. And you've got to accept that you're going to feel that way while still realizing you're doing the right thing. Maybe he will clean up his act, maybe he will change, but until he does, you can't hang on to that hope. You've got to go on with YOUR life and know that you're an incredible person and a great addition to anyone you're with. And if he chooses drugs, a fast lifestyle, and casual meetups over that, then he's not worth it.
You deserve to find a person who truly appreciates you and doesn't put you second in his life. He won't forget you, I guarantee, and if he realizes he needs to clean up his act, he's going to know that you won't tolerate his behavior and respect you more for it.
I really hope this situation gets better for you.
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I broke up with my on and off again boyfriend (for 3 years) almost a month ago. He has a drug problem and relapsed. I had so much hope this time because he went to a rehab and was such a different person than before. We were doing really well and then he came to visit me because I was up doing summer classes at my college and he lives in our hometown. Well he relapsed a few days before...I had no idea. And then when he left a few people asked me about it from our hometown so I asked him and he started crying. I knew he was mostly crying because of the drugs and was trying to push some of the pressure on me. Plus then I felt like I couldnt be mad that he came up and slept with me while he was lying to my face. So I just ended it. And a few days later he tried calling/texting and I didnt respond. Then he asked later through text if it would be too hard to talk and I said yes. Then he went on to say that when he figured out his life he really wanted a second shot with me and he really loved me so much. I could tell from his texts that he was nervous and I just kept saying I wanted him to do it for himself and I couldnt promise anything. This was like a month ago.
I knew those texts would mess with my mind. Now that I'm home I'm going crazy. I keep rethinking and rereading his texts and wondering if I made a mistake. and if somehow I was being a bad person for not sticking with him and supporting him. Plus I miss him so much. Ive been with him so long that I feel like no one is gonna make me feel the same. Plus college life is so different and I do go out and have fun...but I am not in any way the type of girl to just randomly go home with guys. I feel like all guys there are used to getting stuff so easily they barely put in any effort. They act interested till they realize you arent easy.
Im so depressed right now and I feel like no one understands where I am coming from. I keep worrying and worrying that maybe hes already found someone and replaced me or if hes going to try and come back soon. Then i have to remind myself that it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter because I shouldnt be putting myself in these situations all the time. I truley need to move on but what if hes the one for me and Im losing out on it? :/ Please help!! (link)
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You are doing the right thing. Drug addictions (somewhat dependent on which drug) are extremely difficult to break and in some cases virtually impossible (such as in the case of crack-cocaine).
I have a guy friend who was addicted to crack for the better part of 6 years. I dated him after he had been through rehab (twice) and "clean" for three years. I say "clean" because, maybe once or twice a year, he would relapse. And those were scary. He would go to a different city without telling anyone and disappear for a week or two. He always came back, broke and broken, but would get his life back on track relatively quickly.
We aren't together now for other reasons, but when I was with him I caught glimpses of the true hell that drug addiction is, and how absolutely impossible it is for that person to truly be with someone unless they are actually past their addiction and have a handle on it mentally and physically.
Drugs change a person's psyche -- after a relapse there is guilt, anger, a strong resolve not to fall back into it again. But without the strength to get through those periods where the drug pulls back they are lost. They will lie, cheat, steal, do whatever it takes to get the drug. Though they may say otherwise, they do not care about you during these times; their entire focus is on getting the drug. And you being there each time to pick them up after they fall is enabling them, teaching them to depend on that assistance each time.
Your boyfriend lying about the relapse tells you that he is still within the drug's hold, and there is little you can do to help this until he finds the strength from within.
Family, friends, lovers of drug addicts all want to see them change, all want to offer love and support and stick with the person when times get rough. But this has to be done carefully, and sometimes callously, if it is to be helpful rather than detrimental.
I don't think you should go back to your boyfriend while he is still having issues, but that doesn't mean that you have to cut off all contact with him. You can be there as a friend, but you have to let him know that you will absolutely not tolerate any behavior associated with drug addiction: this includes lying, cheating, stealing, emotional manipulation. If he relapses don't jump to his aid and give him whatever he needs - monetary or emotionally - tell him he f'd up and if he wants to keep the caring people in his life he's got to get a handle on it. You may want to read about how to respond a bit more online. It's extremely difficult for you, so if it's not something you are prepared for and you don't think you'd be able to be so seemingly heartless, then it might be better in the long run to cut your ties.
People do deserve second (and even third and fourth chances), but they have to have the time to change themselves, for themselves. If you keep in contact and support him, and you still feel like it's right when he's on the trailing end of dealing with his addiction, then there's no reason you shouldn't give it another shot.
I feel for your situation. I hope this helps, please feel free to message me if you need any more help.
~Pollux
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i am 28 i dated this guy for almost 3 yrs .all this time he didn't give me or this relationship much time n thought. so i suffered immensely.it was me calling up after a fight and me starting a conversation always.so i broke up with him 1month back .now he is calling me up and wants to get back.although he is a nice,sweet,loves me absolutely but i ma not sure if this didn't work out in 3yrs will he be able to do it now.moreover my parents are looking fora groom for me.they want me married by next year.should i give him a second chance?or is it smart and hard to just move on and try something that works naturally.moreover my parents are not too keen on him as my future husband.so advice! (link)
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Usually I have longer responses but this one is plain and simple.
If it's always you initiating contact and conversation, and you said yourself he didn't give you much time or thought, he doesn't love you absolutely. Let him go. He doesn't deserve your time or thought either.
I do believe people can change, but not that quickly. He doesn't realize what he had til it's over and that's why he's trying to get you back now -- because it's safe, it's comfortable. But that's not what makes for a lasting and loving relationship. Maybe in 5 years this guy will be different and figure out his mistakes, but you shouldn't hang around putting your life on hold for that long. Move on. You will find someone that absolutely adores you, that can't wait to call you, talk to you, spend time with you.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you find love - in your own time and way! (Although parents can sometimes have a knack for finding the good ones).
~Pollux
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I'm 19 and I'm a bisexual transexual male, i have a girlfriend, but she's homophobic and says gays are nasty. She doesn't know about my transexual lifesyle. Well i think like a woman, feel like one and i told her i want to get a sex change and asked her if she would still care for me...she said no and that she would leave me
So i kinda have been behind her back with this man i really like, and he's gay. He told me that whatever makes me happy and i should go for it and he'll be there for me, boy or girl.
So what should i do, i don't want to live like this all my life
And who should i choose. (link)
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Go for the person who will stand by your decisions and let you be who you are.
If this girl is bringing you down like this, she can't really love you and care about you, and you shouldn't have to hide parts of your life from her. Eventually this is going to get you down, you don't want to live a lie.
The man you're with sounds like a great guy, one who will support you always.
Whatever you choose, and whatever your sex, don't be afraid to be yourself. If you think and feel like a woman, embrace it. To hell with people who don't like it.
Hope this helps -
Love,
Pollux
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A few months ago a friend i used to be closed to (i had a major crush on him & maybe again) tricked me by askin me out n not meaning it so i didnt talk to him for months or be nice with him. Hes a funny guy in 10th grade 1 year older than me & an inch short. Now he makes me laugh like he used to & tries to be around n talk to me more. Many people even my friends and his friends say that he could have liked me but was to afraid to admit it n because hes a little shorter than me....Could this be true? And what do i do....I like him...Again? (link)
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I'm going to be really honest with you because I've been in some pretty similar situations.
I don't think he's that into you. It sounds like he really thinks of you as a close friend, someone he can joke around with and be himself with. I think that it's something he values, and he's trying to be that again with you, now that you've started speaking with him again.
I could be wrong, though -- being on the shorter side can be hard on a guy until he grows into himself. This might seem difficult, but why not just ask him? Say something like
"I'm really into you, do you feel the same way towards me?" and see how he reacts. If he seems a little uncomfortable, he might like you, and you would want to press a little further and maybe ask why he tricked you. If he cracks jokes or sort of brushes you off, I would say he thinks of you as a friend.
Whichever way he goes, at least you'd know. You have the upper hand, so if he rejects you, just tell him that's fine and move on. There's nothing more attractive than confidence.
Hope this helps.
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