SandyDandy's advice column | SandyDandy's Advice About Love Life

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Q: I think that I need some advice on whether or not I should stay with my boyfriend. I have been dating him for about a year and two months. (We broke up briefly in the beginning of August, but we decided to get back together, and are still together as of now. ) I'm very confused about my feelings for him. He is a really great guy and there are qualities about him that I don't see in anyone else that I know. That is part of the reason that I have stayed with him for so long; I don't know anyone else that I believe will treat me like he does, or be there for me like he is. He definitely gets me. He's funny, affectionate, and he is very loyal and kind. He gets along with my family and friends, which is very important to me. We both share a lot of morals, too. That was part of the reason that we started dating - we were friends first, but noticed qualities in each other that we couldn't see in any of our mutual friends and it progressed from there. We have been together for such a long time, and that is why it was very difficult to go from being so close to completely broken up. We broke up for a week, and whenever I saw him I wanted to cry. The reason we broke up is complicated. I'd been feeling like breaking up with him for a while now, but there was always some big event that the two of us were looking forward to that stopped me. (For example: I couldn't break up with him before senior prom, etc.) Then he told me he loved me on our one-year, and I just didn't feel right saying it back. It's incredibly difficult for me to think about breaking up with him again, but I know that deep down I shouldn't be with someone that I don't feel like I 100% love. I don't want to hurt him, and I know that he was really hurt when we broke up before. I was too. When we broke up, I felt so alone, and I felt like it was the wrong decision. I feel better now that we are together; I feel content. Whenever we hang out, I have a pretty good time. But there's still a part of me that wants to be free, and wants to search for a guy who is an even better match for me, and be able to do whatever I want in the mean time. I have no idea what I should do. I'm torn between staying with him and breaking up with him. Just the thought of us breaking up makes me cringe. What do you think I should do? Thank you.

You obviously need to break up with him, of course it's gonna be hard, of course it's not gonna be okay, i mean it feels okay when you hang out with guy friends but that doesn't mean you should date them. I think you feel okay with him because you do get along with him. But this doesn't mean you two have to stop talking, i mean the fact that ya'll share a lot of things in common makes ya'll a good match to be really good friends.This feeling is not gonna go away the feeling to be "free" because you're not completely happy with him it will probably just begin to settle in. The more you wait the more it's gonna hurt him, because you are growing more and more attached and basically by staying with him getting him more in love with you and everything, but listen if he really cares about you let you be happy if you decide to break up, don't worry everyone feels alone right after, but with time it will heal, just don't do something you are not happy about. Hope i helped, SandyDandy:)

Q: My ex puts a status EVERY day, which are lyrics to love songs. (One in particular that I said reminded me of him) We only broke up 3 days ago. And when I asked him whether he wanted to give it another try he said "I just don't know" He says he still loves me, and he didn't want to break up, but he was fed up of arguing.

Are these lyrics aimed at me, or someone else do you think?

Are you the same person who asked "Is it over for us?" If not sorry.
I think they are meant for you definitly, and tell him you are willing to change and make it work because he obviously misses you and still loves you and hopefully you do too!:) Just give him some time and he'll come around!
Good luck- SandyDandy(:
Ask me more questions on my column if you need more help, please!

Q: 18/f

me & my boyfriend of 5 months had an argument a few days ago. it's our second since we have been together. i had been getting quite moody with him recently for no reason, so i brought it up. i said i wondered if it would be best if we ended our relationship because it wasnt fair on him. he begged me to stay with him. i said i would think on it and decide the next day. the day later he said he now thought that we should break up.

at first i thought he was testing me, because i had said it to him. but he went all the way and we broke up. i asked why and he said because he didnt want me to have doubts about our relationship. i explained i didnt have doubts about the way i felt, and that i loved him etc.

any way i asked to meet up, he agreed, and said he wont tell anyone about the break up until we have met up. but he said he doubts anything will change his mind. we spoke for hours, and i was really honest about everything and he said the only thing stopping us getting back together is he doesnt want to get more hurt if i decide in 2 months time to doubt the relationship again, i asked him to give it a try and if he had faith in me he would.

we left on a good-ish note. it got late, so we went home seperately. he said he is going to come and speak to me later in the week if i want. i agreed, but said it was pointless if it wasnt going to change anything. he still said he didnt think anything would change, but a lot of things i said make sense and he said "i could wake up tomorrow and feel differently about it all"

the next day, i log onto facebook and he is listed as single. it seems like hes already made up his mind?!?! i sent him a message saying i dont know if i want to wait until late this week for a decision, because i feel like i'm still going to get hurt from it, am i going to? and he said i told you i just dont know

sorry this is so long, but what can i do now?? i do really love him

Well your boyfriend is really confusing, but i think he is doing this because he thinks you are doubting the relationship, and he doesn't want you to have any doubts. He probably thinks the reason you said that was because you didn't really like him so now he doesn't want to be with you.
And the way you write is confusing too like i don't understand this part getting back together is he doesnt want to get more hurt if i decide in 2 months time to doubt the relationship again, i asked him to give it a try and if he had faith in me he would."

He seems like he has mixed feeling about the whole situation because one day he says he wants to be with you and the other day he said he doesn't want to and now he is saying that he is not sure?

Even if you do love him don't put up with beign pushed around like this, no one should. Just wait until the week he said he was going to meet and tell him "you are confusing me, the only reason i told you that maybe we shouldnt be together was for YOUR benefit, so ask him if he really still loves you and you still do and if he wants to make it work. If he keeps beign stupid saying " i don't know" Just let him have some time for himself, i'm sure he'll come around because he sounds like he really likes you!
Good Luck

Q:
20/f

okay so theres this guy at work,I just starting working there like a month ago we worked together alot and talked, and he asked for my number.Well about a week and a half ago we hung out 3 times. He met my parents the third time we hung out because my parents always want to be introduced to the guy.So during our third date he was driving me home and he talked about us (he went away to college the next day, so it was cute he spent his last night with me) and he was saying how this happened to him twice he was hanging out with this girl and he messed it up the first time and he said he thinks he knows how to do it this time. He said to not think hes ignoring me hes just really busy with school and he said that if we kept doing this that I could visit him at school during the week or he could visit me during the week or come home on the weekend and he said he didnt want me to think he was just messing around with me and I said good because i would kick his butt at work lol and he laughed and said yeah and things would get pretty awkward at work. And then we kissed for awhile kinda like he wasnt going to see me for a long time type of kiss.(by the way he only works one day a week because hes so busy with school) So all last week he never contacted me once. He used to text me only on the nights we were going to go out to say like if I was ready or something but he never texted me just to even talk. So I texted him on wednesday just to talk and we talked for like 2 hours I asked him if he was coming home and he said maybe sunday because he forgot some things so we could hang out i said oh okay then I didnt hear from him the rest of the week until saturday when he came in to get his check ( but he came in during the time I was working he knew my schedule) and he acted normal with me and he was flirting and he asked how school was and how his was and he said he didnt like it because he didnt have time for anything then we talked for a little but then he left and said ill talk to you later. Well last night I texted him hey (I was assuming he wasnt going to be home because we didnt hang out) and I told him I was visiting a friend at this college and he said I shouldve told him because his friend lives up there too and I said well will you be home tomorrow ? (since it was labor day) and he said he might but he could try to come down anyway and hang out for a little and I said sure let me know.Well today he never texted me. Its going on almost 2 weeks since we last hung out and he never texts me just to talk I had to do it twice. I might just be paranoid but I mean I know college can be busy and time consuming but if you really wanted to see someone that you liked wouldnt you make time to see them and text someone you liked just so they know you were thinking about them? Im just so confused by him. I mean not to sound conceited or anything because im far from it but other guys have been texting me and asking me to hang out with them and there doing everything i wish he was doing now..but I dont want those other guys you know? and I dont even know if the guy wanted us to talk to other people as well so were not "exclusive". But I mean the way he was talking about us in the car sounded like he didnt want me to talk to other guys you know cause we work together that would be awkward so I feel like he wouldnt play me but do you think thats how it sounded? What should I do and what does this all mean? lol Sorry this is so long Im just completely confused as you already know and I didnt want to leave anything important out but if you could help me I would appreciate it thanks!:)

I love long questions!:) I like Reading, haha. Wellll...This guy sounds cute and nice BUT
honestly he strikes me as a guy who does this a lot, but i could be wrong. i got to college full time and I still text allll day! College is time consuming but there is no way he goes everyday unless he has like six classes or something and i think the max is five!Even so he's not stuck there day and night! I think he is not only busy with college but with friends and parties or something. Yeah if he really cared he would make an effort to talk. I always think the most important thing in a relationship friend or boyfriend is COMMUNICATION. THERE IS NO BETTER PERSON THAT CAN TELL YOU WHAT IS GOING ON BUT HIM. We could all be wrong about what is really going on. You should talk to him about this the next time ya'll talk and ask him that you understand that he is busy BUT how can he possibly not text u not even once a day for two weeks,and ask him if this is just a fling or exclusive, because you don't want to be confused. He should be able to tell you if he doesn't want you to talk to other guys and if he says he doesn't mind you are obviously just a fling, and if you think you want more than that it's better not to keep talking to him and have your heart broken.But it's really important for you to pretend like you don't mind either way like say "it's cool with me, i just want to make sure that this is not boyfriend and girlfriend so i will be faithful" Because if not he might just say something that won't hurt your feelings(basically what he thinks you want to hear).But if afterwards he says he does wanna have a relationship tell him he should try and make more time, if not move on like i said don't risk having your heart broken because no guy is worth it. It just sounds like he could make an effort to talk to you more but he just doesn't. Hope i helped Good luck!

Q: I don't know what to do with him! I found out from my bff that my bf made a facebook group thing about our relationshp. I went and red a few things on it and it is personal and nothing anybody should know but us so I told him I knew he had a secret he was keeping from me but not what it was so he would tell me or something but he didn't. i kinda thought that he posted stuff and didn't think it was bad and I wanted to give him chances to say so but he just said he didnt have no secrets so i went back to read the rest and he had made it private only so now it is hidden from me.

I guess what I am asking is if he didn't think this was wrong why did he hide it when i found out? He still denies everything and now i got no proof because i cant see it anymore!!! i have been crying about this and i feel betrayed like he has a secret life on facebook or something! should i stay with him if he isn't going to be honest and still hides things?

Sorry if this is too long!

Okay first of all, the longer and more in depth the better it helps me to figure out the problem and how to help!:) So Thank you!

I've had this happen to me many times but in different ways i figured out my boyfriend was doing stuff behind my back, and i tried that confrontation too, but if it doesn't work you have to tell him what is really up.He probably just lied because he has no idea you know! And he doesn't want to come out and say it because he will be giving himself away. But you don't need proof! And even so Your best friend and other people that have seen it can be your proof! It's not like he can deny it because he knows it's true.
You need to confront him about it and say i know you did this group about us. And i want to know what is going on there, if not i don't want to be with you. Honestly, he is not worth it, if he's hiding this from you.I would definitely ask him to show me what was on there and why he did it, and if he doesn't have an a good explanation dump him. Guys like him are not worth stressing over, trust me I've been there done that, life is so much better without them. But just to have closure you have at least TRY to have him show you what is going on. Your friends will always be there for you anyway so you don't need him!:)-Good luck hope everything works out for the better, i'm here for you ask me anything anytime!

Q: Okay, so i have a loooot of thinking to do on a subject. I'd really appreciate some help with this!

Let's say I dated a guy for 2 months(this summer). But, we both knew he was moving. So as you can tell, we weren't really a "serious" relationship (more like good friends with benefits). He was absolutely positive he wanted to break up with me from the get-go. Now with that said, you'd probably wonder why I'd even be with him- and I can just say, it was a light,fun fling kind of thing. In my opinion, his way of relationships was not how I'd view one. So now that he's moved, we've broken up, agreed to stay friends, blah blah blah. As you can see we're both not hurt by it at all. Now here's the thing. For awhile now, I've liked his older brother. You might be thinking this is a red flag- and I'm scared it may be too. I KNOW, it's bad to like someone while dating someone else, but this was just really something that's never happend before. THE KINDA BAD THING: His brother and him are wicked close friends. But I feel so good around him, and we get along so well! I'm not saying any time soon- but do you personally think, IN TIME, that I could pursue this relationship further? Is it against guy-code, or whatever? We've already hung out with out my ex, and we still get along. I know I don't need a relationship RIGHT this moment, but it feels so right. And yet, the fact it's my ex's brother is what's stopping both of us.

I really hope someone's read this, and my main question is - What do you think of all of this? What should I do, and What would be the best way to go about it? Have you ever been in this situation? Should I just forget about it and move on? Any information is good- thanks!

I think this is a very complicated situation! Well i'm a girl, but the guy was obviously not in love with you or anything if the thing ya'll had going on was more about the benefits than anything else. First of all did his older brother stay? or move?
I'm almost sure that is against a guy-code or something, because a couple of guys i've met this has happened to them and they were against it. But i do know of people who have done this, just as long as the other brother was okay with it and they asked them about it before.
So you've already told him? I think it is possible for you to be with the brother just ask the older brother to ask his younger brother about it and say if it's cool.And no i have never been in this situation. And no if it feels right just ask him to do that and if he doesn't want to, then he does not want to be with you that bad, then he's not worth it!:] Hope i helped, Good luck!

Q: Hey.. I'm just wondering what girls would think about this. I have an odd but harmless fetish but I'm terrified to tell my gf or anyone else. The fetish is called WAM, I like to see girls who are dressed up wearing nice clothes with makeup/hair done nicely get messy, like with pies, cake batter, chocolate, nickelodeon-style green slime, etc. All fully clothed, I hate when it is mixed with nudity although some other people like it that way. What would you think if your bf told you that? Would you do it with him if he would pay for new clothes or for your clothes to be cleaned?

Thanks, hopefully you don't think I'm totally crazy. Believe me otherwise I'm a normal guy.

I don't think you're crazy at all! How could you think that? People have different fetish's yours is not bad at all. It's actually really normal, other people have actual weird one's but it's normal to have desires like that, i mean to each their own!
And i think you should definitely tell your girlfriend i mean don't go around and tell everyone your fetish! But i'm sure you're girlfriend would accept it if she's really a good person. And if she is not, Then look for someone who will love you and accept you for who you are:]!

Q: So I've had a lot happen in my life, and I have a big issue with trust. I've been cheated on and a lot of other things. I have a new boyfriend, and I've known him for a long time, he was cheated on too. He says he really likes me and is happy with me, and he tells me everything that goes on with him and tells me he doesn't lie and cheat because someone did that to him and it made him extremely sad. He's a really nice guy, and I like him a ton, except I still find myself doubting him. I can't trust anyone anymore even if I want to! I really want to trust him because I feel like he is honest, but I just can't. What should I do?

Trust me i am extremely jealous, and there is no easy way to just get past jealousy, i think doubting is normal because you have been cheated on, the main thing that helps stop the doubt is having CLEAR OPEN COMMUNICATION,i mean talking about everything not only doubt for family feelings thoughts ect., i hope you have talked to him about this too, i think the best thing to do is mention this to him and find a way where ya'll work this out, it's not just going to go away, i personally came across this website called nomorejealousy.com and i wasn't really that jealous enough to buy the program but once you are there you sign up for free emails that give you encouraging words and techniques to help you stop doubting and help get those awful thoughts away from your head! This has helped me a lot and i can honestly say i live like a normal person who trusts but knows where to cross the line. I think these everyday tips will help you get through, but never forget to talk to him about your feelings too, how you are doubting so he can be there to support you, and help you, talking about it will only strengthen the relationship, i really hope you check out the website i'm sure it would be great help for you, good luck:)

Q: i'm a girl, 16 years old going on 17, and i have been dateing my boyfriend sense March 27, 2010. The problem with dateing him is there's a age gap... we are 5 years apart, or 4 depends on how you look @ it, which means he's 21.

so in the first month of our dateing everything was cool and all we would do is hang out. in the 2nd month, or the middle of the 2nd month there was a prblem, he wanted to have sex. see i know that if we do have sex it would be counted as rape, and he would go to jail and i would be in trouble, BIG TROUBLE. so i told him we should wait. so during may he tells me he wants to change his life and start going to church with me.

one day after church i went with him to go meet his mom, we met and she is a wonderful lady. Then the week after he jumped back on the subject (which he's been jumping on alot even after i said no the 1st time) and he gives me the same lame excuses, "well, if your mine, why can't i have all of you?" or "baby, i love you, and i just wanna show you how much i do" and ect. And every time he gives me those lame excuses, as if i never heard those lines b4, i tell him the same thing "you can wait, and if you can't leve."

now he's never did anything to make me wanna leve him, except bring up the sex subject like 1,000 times and i'm getting tired of it. i've asked some of my friend and some said they would "have sex with him and leve him." some said "jus stop talking to him, he'll get the clue." and others said "screw him like bunnys do, and make the sex so good he wouldn't dare leve."

but i'm not worried about him leveing. if he does, he does. that's how i feel. i just don't know what to do. i realy do like him and we have fun together but i'm tired of telling him no and always talking about it.

what do i do? should i give IT up, or give HIM up?
please, some one give me some advice.

Hi, well first of all it hasn't even been that long. That brings up the question if thats what he got with you in the first place! Guys can be witty and it seems like you already know, some guys are willing to wait if it means that the girl is giving it up, but it seems like he is just so anxious! Might me more lust than love, in my opinion, you have already told him countless times that you are not ready, and he keeps on persisting i guess he's the type of guy that thinks persistence is key.But I've had my share of guys and believe me there is other guy's that will understand and wait if they truly care. I say you tell him to stop bringing it up for a while until you are closer to 18 and make it clear that if not you are not willing to stay and put it with him bringing it up so often,and if he does it so often DUMP HIM, but DO NOT give it up if you are not entirely sure especially if it's your first time, please have more respect in yourself.If he is not willing to respect your thoughts then dump him, simple as that, i know it's harder said then done, but tell him to be patient there is always other options;) like dry humping or fore-play but that's only if you think you can stop him from going on further.Hope he changes his mind but if not please don't give it up to him GOOOD LUCK:)

bio

howdy!:)
I currently i'm in college studying counseling.So you can't imagine how much i love giving advice and just being there to listen.It is basically what i want to do for the rest of my life.I never think a question is too much or too stupid to ask. I love just helping people out. SO please don't be afraid to ask. IM HERE:)