Queries4Carollani's

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Holler at your girl with your wack-ass problems and she'll get back at you with some stellar advice on how you should live your life and make decisions. She's that nice with advice.

Note: The identities of all those who email queries will remain anonymous.

Carollani is NOT a health professional or clinical psychologist; if you have serious medical, mental, or emotional problems then see a physician.

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advice

These is for all you girls :) How would you like to be aproched to,loke if a guy wants to hit on you on the street what would youlike him to say?

Introduce yourself, but be respectful and polite because girls are usually a little defensive to strangers coming at them out of nowhere.

Make eye contact and shake her hand, tell her that she caught your eye and that you'd like to get to know her, ask her what she likes to do... look for something you two have in common so that you can talk about that. Keep it short and sweet and leave before she does; tell her you're glad you met her and ask if you can call her sometime, and then split.

Don't stay if you're unwanted; if she keeps her arms folded in front of her or keeps her body facing away from you then she wants you to leave.

Be confident!

Carollani

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ok well im a 15/f and my bf is a 16/m. we have been together for over a year now and i know what people are going to say your 15 sex can wait and i know it can. i mean i want to wait until later on in life but yet i sometimes feel like im ready to do it with him.. i mean me and him have talked about it before and he says he thinks hes ready but it all depends on me. i mean i love him to death and never felt this way about a guy before..he tells me he loves me alot and wouldnt make me do anything i wouldnt want to..hes told me that hes never felt this way and wouldnt know what to do if he lost me. but i mean when i say i want to i know for a fact ill chicken out because im so self conscience and like because of pain and possible bleeding. we talked about it last night and like when he wants to and stuff but he told me its up to me. like how do i know if im ready? how bad does it hurt? and like would i bleed alot? like i dont want to screw up and stuff like im scared to do it how do i get over it?
sorry its so long
thanks
(i rate)

If you want to have sex with him then go for it! Just be prepared:

Go to your family doctor, or make an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get some birth control pills. The doctor you see will be a good person to tell you about STDs and what you can expect from your body if you have any questions about those things. No matter how safe you feel with your boyfriend ALWAYS have him WEAR A CONDOM.

Birth control pills will probably be enough to prevent pregnancy, but they're not 100% preventative, and they definitely don't protect you against STDs. Condoms prevent pregnancy 99% of the time and are very effectual in preventing the transference of STDs.

Not everyone loses their virginity with someone they love, so you'll have a much better experience with your boyfriend than the average sexually active teen. As long as you're really turned on and relaxed with your boyfriend it won't hurt much. Just make sure you have lots of foreplay so you get really wet and have him go nice and slow until you relax and are ready to really go for it!

There is no way to "screw up" as long as you're safe, so don't worry. There's no reason to feel self-conscious during sex, because sex is all about doing what feels gooooood. Sex is great, especially with someone you care a lot for. If you and your boyfriend are close you'll be able to experiment with each other and have a lot of fun. It's honestly not as big of a deal as you think, and most kids have a little bit of disappointment after the first time. Even if it's not great the first time it'll get better when you're more comfortable with it.

The bleeding is different for everyone. I didn't bleed at all, but I know people who did. If you're really worried about it just lay down a dark towel ahead of time, but it's very little bleeding on average.

Have fun and stay safe!

Carollani

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hi - ok so i really like this guy. he lives like down the road from me, and we have gone out before. we dont go to the same school, so when we went out it was hard to see each other b/c we are both involved in sports. when we went out we both cheated on eachother, and since we never saw eachother - we just thought it was best to break up. btw, i was his first gf, first kiss, first like everything. this was all in february. now its june, and i want a new chance at him. he says that he likes me, but not enough for us to go out. he told me hes scared that if we go out, he will sqrew things up for us. bc i like him more than he likes me. i really want a second chance with him. do i deserve it? what can i do to convince him to be with me? should i move on? how? please help. i rate high

It's not a question of "deserving" him, you're just asking for pain by wanting to be with him.

What's going on is this: he's moved on and you haven't. You were his first and now he's onto his second, third, fourth... He's not looking back, so why are you? It's cool if you keep him as a friend, but do yourself a favor and stop chasing this guy.

He doesn't like you like that and if you convinced him to go out with you again he'd be bored and probably cheat on you again, and the relationship would end again.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Don't you deserve to be wanted? It's humiliating and pathetic to chase after someone who has no interest in you. You're SO much better than that; you should be with someone who's crazy about you, girl. Don't sell yourself short!

How do you move on? Stop obsessing about him. Get a hobby, learn to paint, read, start bird-watching... whatever! Work on YOURSELF; you'll be a happier, more confident person and happy confident people don't have to chase after boys--the boys chase after them.

Carollani

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my boyfriend is gone for the summer to new mexico and he does not call me and i really miss him i talked to him for about 3 minutes and he said do not call my dad's cell or text cause his dad has to pay for the text messaging and minutes and he also said that he would call me yesterday and he never did and i really miss him. my sis said that he is fooling around over there but i don't think he will. what do you guys/grls think sorry it's so long.

Give the boy a break! His dad is probably pretty annoyed with you calling and texting so that'll make things tense for your boyfriend.

Give him some time... let him miss you! Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you don't give him some time and space to miss you he'll feel claustrophobic even so far away from you. He'll call you eventually, and when he does you'll know that he's calling because he wants to and not just because you want him to.

In the mean time enjoy your summer! Won't you feel stupid if you waste your whole summer pining away for this guy and it turns out he was creeping on you? You know he's going to be having a good time even if he's staying true to you, so you should have a good time too.

He's probably not fooling around, so don't get all weird and jealous on him or he won't want to call you.

Carollani

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5 yrs ago I dated a guy for 4 months and he dumped me out of the blue. Last year we started dating again and it's been absolutely perfect for 14 months! he's been a bachelor forever (he's 43) and i'm sure this is the longest he's ever been with someone. we got a puppy and have both fallen in love with him and are training and raising him together. I spend most nights at his place, but still own my own place too. Does anybody think this will work out for the long term? not necessarily marriage, but a committed relationship? and How do I get him to say it??? Thanks in advance.

It sounds like things are going great! All except for the fact that you apparently can't even ask him about his expectations regarding your relationship with him. I've said it before and I'll say it again: open and direct communication is paramount in any relationship.

Do you really think a stranger is going to be able to tell you if your relationship is going to last? Of course not! But then again, of course I'll try. Heh.

Let's face it: he's not getting any younger so settling down is probably in the back of his mind somewhere. It's also a good sign that you two got and are raising a puppy together; it shows that he's not afraid of commitment, and it also shows he's nurturing (but I'm sure you already knew that.)

If you're serious about this man then it's time to ask him if he's serious about you. He probably feels like he's already showing you that he's serious, and it does sound as if he has been, so just strike up a conversation about the future with him. It doesn't need to be a big "We need to talk" kind of event, you can keep it easy and casual in a number of ways:

You could start it off by poking fun at the fact that you're asking a typical "girl" question--this way his initial anxieties can be laughed off and he'll be able to answer you without feeling tense.

At a romantic dinner together you can ask the question by not asking anything, but by telling him your expectations and hopes for the future. Something like, "I've really enjoyed these last 14 months, I love raising our puppy together, and I love spending time with you. I just want you to know that I hope the next 14 months are just as amazing." He'll undoubtedly respond with his own expecations, and with this exchange you'll have opened up that line of communication with him that you'll need to sustain the relationship.

You could start up a game of the beloved "Truth or Dare." Start it out silly and fun, and just when he's been lulled into a false sense of security drop the bomb on him! Haha, just kidding. There's seriously no reason why asking him outright should be terrifying for either of you if you're both happy and having fun together.

Be brave and just do it!

Carollani

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This is kind of long and confusing, but bear with me.

Well, I like this guy Jerry. We've talked and flirted before but we usually never see eachother that much. There was a weekend at my friend Kia's church called Disciple Now, and Jerry was there. Usually he would talk to me or say SOMETHING but he he didn't say one word to me the entire time! My friend Kia talked to some people, that don't seem like the people that Jerry would tell his business to, but she that they said that he liked me. But the weird thing is that she finally said that AFTER I admited to like Jerry. She's not the most trustworthy person, but she can be. So then I hear that he gets a girlfriend the week after she told me that. That kinda made me feel down but I knew that I probably wouldn't have a chance with him.
A few weeks after that Kia said that Jerry told her to say hi to me, which made me smile. He acts like he likes me yet he has a girlfriend.

And another problem is that we are in two completely different cliques. He's preppy, and I'm classified as emo/punk. It's really weird too.

A lot of people found out I like him ((like the youth leader)) and I think he knows.

Now, that you've heard everything, do you think he likes me?

(13/f)

Thanks, I rate high

We all know that relationships aren't "until death do we part" at age 13, and even though he has a girlfriend right now the chances that he'll be single again soon are pretty high. Don't give up!

Even though you might think it's obvious to Jerry that you like him, he may be unsure. Girls tend to drop signals that boys hardly ever catch, so continue to talk and flirt with him.

He probably does like you, but he might not be bold enough to date outside his clique. Again, don't give up! As he gets older he'll hopefully grow some balls and do what he wants to do instead of what he thinks people want him to do.

Keep flirting, and go get him girl!

-Carollani

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My bf has an older brother (11 years older). He looks up to him like a father cz he helped bring my bf up. I like his brother a lot. Hes a nice guy.
Ive realised that whenever his bro is with us my bf doesnt treat me too gd (rude etc), for no reason. As soon as his brother has gone hes really nice to me.
He can't even be bothered to see me, or talk to me, if hes going out with his bro later on.
When we talk on the phone he doesnt make an effort. Its like Im talking to myself. When he talks to his bro they're laughing n hes telling his brother everything.
Before I didnt see it. Then I thought I was exagerating n I thought it was me who was acting diff. But now its jus obvious to me.
I have tried talking to him about it but he jus says Im being stupid and he wouldn't do that to me. If I say smething about his bro hes gonna get annoyed with me. He always does.
I dunno how to approach the situation.

It seems to me that your boyfriend idolizes his brother quite a bit, and it's my guess that his brother never taught him how to be respectful to women. I would bet you $10 that your boyfriend's brother doesn't treat his girlfriends very well either and probably makes jokes about them behind their backs to your boyfriend. If his brother saw your boyfriend treating you well he might call your boyfriend a pussy when you're not around, and so on.

The brother is a total douche bag, and if your boyfriend doesn't have the balls to stand up to his brother and be a real man who has respect for his girlfriend, then he's Douche Bag Jr.

If you want to know how a guy is going to treat you after the "honeymoon" is over then watch how he treats (and talks about) his sisters and mother. If he calls his mom a bitch and is always giving his sisters a hard time then the jackass is going to eventually start treating you that way... either to your face or otherwise. But if he's respectful of his mother and does his best to protect and look out for his sisters then he's a good guy, and he'll continue to treat you well.

I suggest you approach the situation by saying, "I'm dumping your sorry ass because you treat me like shit around your brother and when i try to talk to you about it you tell me I'm being stupid. I'm off to find a much better, much bigger man... BITCH!" Y'know, or something like that.

Good luck with your next boyfriend!

-Carollani

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Can too much attention freak a girl out and make her back off? Even though you're really close? I've heard people say this before, but I'm not too sure, and now I'm affraid that I've been bothering my girlfriend with too much attention.

You can totally freak a girl out and make her back off with too much attention, but it depends on the girl. She may bask in your attention and love every minute of it or she might be feeling like you've got her in vise grips. She will give you signals that she's getting an overdose of you if you'll just watch for them, but you should just ask. Open and direct conversation is the best way to avoid misunderstandings.

Just say something like, "I love giving you a lot of attention, but I know you might need some space once and a while and I just wanted you to know that you can tell me that any time and I won't be hurt." She'll be relieved that you understand and that you won't be hurt by her asking for that space. Just make sure that if/when she decides to take that space you're not passive-aggressively punishing her by pulling away emotionally or treating her differently.

Make sure you're not pulling her away from her friends, and that you're not neglecting your friends as well. When you're gushing over the new love interest in your life it's easy to alienate your friends, but it's unhealthy to rely on that new person in your life for every need you have. They shouldn't be your everything or they'll burn out under the pressure.

People get different things from the different people in their lives--you might have a friend you can be a total dork around, another who is great to study with, and another that you can tell all your secrets to for example. All of these people are important and shouldn't be traded in when you get a new girlfriend. All of your relationships need tending to now and again or they'll get weak and die like a plant without watering.

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