Siren_Cytherea's advice column

askSiren_Cytherea

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: hi my name is myalee im 27 yrs old and my boyfriend is 23yrs old hes from another country sri lanka and im african american. we had been together for 5yrs thats a long time when we first met he was the best. all that changed once we had moved together. about 2yrs ago he started to abuse me by hitting me slapping me and then he would aplogize and i would say your not going to hit me anymore and would say no i wont do that again. but the abuse kept happening again hitting and slapping and pushing me punching me like i was a man . still i stood then i got pregnant and he made me get an abortion so i did because i was afraid he was going to leave me if i didnt get the abortion . he didnt even go down to the clinic with me i went by myself and i that same day i had to work like that because he never worked. all he did was stay home and play video games. i paid the rent and paid for food. he was so lazy but always needed new clothes new games .he never bought me anything . he was the worse so mean i couldnt even ask a question with out him getting angery and violent towards me never let me see my family or let me go nowhere .so we moved again with his dad and brother everything was ok i thought until he started the abuse and violent behavior . i couldnt take it anymore so i planing a get away so one day he went to work with his brother that was the time i left the house. i ran so fast with all my bags and i was 12weeks pregnant at that time again .so i took the bus and then the ferry because i live in staten island when i got to manhattan i went straight to my moms house. that day i went out with my friend to church and i prayed and prayed he would change his ways. i promised myself i would not come back until he fix his self and got help.that day he went to my moms house looking for me i was not there i was at church . he called my friend over 100 times . looking for me i was with her he was begging me to come home but i did not . so when i got to my moms house she had told me what had happend i didnt belief it at first because i know my mother adds more to the story . so i was gone from him for 7 days and he was begging me so much and i think god heard my prayers for him to change i went back like a crazy he looked different he had cut his hair and looked well groomed . and i moved right back with him . my mom and family dont know that. i lied and told them i live with a roomate because my family dont like him. so now hes really different and nicer no violents has occurred. do you think he will stay the same or hes just putting on a show . i dont know im really lost . i just need some advise on what to do . thanks

Myalee, I am so sorry for what you've been through. No one should ever be treated the way he treats you.
Fair warning here: you may not like what I have to say. Read everything, though, please, and consider my response - I had a similar experience to yours... I left my ex and stayed at friends' apartment. He went looking for me, he called me repeatedly. Eventually I wound up talking to him, and he sobbed, and begged me to come home (we had been living together); we had a conversation, and I did. Things were wonderful for awhile until the cycle of abuse began again. I didn't leave him for good until his hand found its way around my throat.

I can absolutely imagine how lost you feel in all this. The awful part of an abusive relationship that it is almost always cyclical, and rarely a singular incident. He's already shown you that.
Leaving an abusive man is also a process of disentanglement, it's not so easy as simply walking out the door. Research shows that most women go through several "trial separations" and attempts to leave before they draw the line and leave for good. There's quite a bit of research on this, too.

You are not crazy.

You also do not deserve to be treated like this. Just because he hasn't been violent yet doesn't mean he won't be again. You went back to him - this shows him that he can pull that crap and in the end you'll come back. He thinks he can get away with an apology and a haircut and treat you however he wants.
There are specific programs and treatments involving lengthy cognitive behavioral therapy for batterers. It's not so easy for them to just snap their fingers and fix their behavior. They have to really WANT to change, not just "fix" a relationship, or to pacify their significant other. It doesn't sound to me like he's at that point.

Your family dislikes him for good reason. He's hurt you. He's FORCED you to get an abortion under the threat of leaving you. He's hurt you, hit you, scared you, and probably otherwise emotionally abused you. Not only that, but he has you lying to your family. Abusive partners bring out the worst in us... trust me. You need to be honest with your family and tell them where you are. You might need their help if you leave him again (and I think you should).

To further explain his hot-and-cold behavior a little, the man you're living with is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When you started dating, you met Dr. Jekyll, the charming, wonderful man you hope is still in there. That hope will keep you coming back to him as long as it's there. At the moment, he's Jekyll, but there's no saying when Hyde will come out. The difficult part to convince yourself of is that this guy really is BOTH Jekyll and Hyde. That sweet guy you love is in there, but so is the abusive asshole.

One thing I have to stress to you is that abuse escalates. Once he figures out he can push you and get away with it, he'll start to hit you. He gets away with that, he starts really beating you... you see where I'm going with this? It's unlikely to just stop where it is. There's no saying he won't go further. If you have a child, what's to stop him from hurting it?

You need to leave him, and keep yourself safe. This is not love; people in real love do not physically assault, emotionally abuse, or stalk one another. Yes, relationships can be difficult, but there comes a time where "difficult" crosses the line, and your well-being is at stake. Your safety should NEVER be a question in a relationship. If it is, you need to question the relationship instead.

Please feel free to send me another message if you have any questions or confusion about what I've said here; I know this is a lot of difficult to swallow information. Also, don't lose touch with your family. They love you, and they have your best interest at heart.

Be safe.

Siren

Rating: 5

Thank you for your advise

bio

I'm a laid-back 26 year old with a Psychology BA, starting my MA program, and working my way into the field as quickly as I can. It took me an extra Bachelor's degree (in vocal performance and creative writing) to figure it out, but I was put on this Earth to help, to heal, and to love.

I have made the decision to dedicate my life and career to helping others. I am here to do just that.

I've been a member since 2004, and since I signed up, I've gone through quite a lot and learned quite a lot from it. I'm here to give guidance where I had none; no one should have to go through the difficulties I went through alone.

Feel free to visit my website/blog, if you want to read my experience with domestic violence and my thoughts on it.

***While I do tend to answer mental health and other health-related or medicine-related questions, I am by NO MEANS a licensed physician or practitioner of any sort. Any and all advice I give for these questions is from my own experience or studies.***

If you need to get a hold of me quickly, my screen name on AIM is SirenCytherea. Just let me know you found me here.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that there are no stupid questions except the ones left unasked, so, please, keep an open mind, heart, and mouth.

Siren